A couple of years ago, I posted a picture of a couple standing in front of a “superimposed” sonogram of their baby, and I envisioned a whole new world of sonogram possibilities. “Sonogramabilities”? No. That doesn’t work. Anyway, my lesson in The Future continued as fetuses showed up in the funniest of places, like maternity pictures, creepy baby shower cakes, and on mountainsides.

Some people are so taken with their ultrasound photos, they blow them up really big to hang over their mantles as artwork. I’m fascinated by these trends, if only because I like weird stuff, and I think having an obsession with sonograms makes about as much sense as having a “first trimester photo shoot” or throwing yourself multiple baby showers. The self-congratulatory celebrations can only go so far, right? I mean yes, babies are miracles (that are created every second of every day), but sometimes parents become “womb worshippers” who don’t know when to stop. Take, for instance, this picture of Katie’s baby’s room so far:

I don’t mean to trash someone’s idea of good art as I’m no real authority, but this is a pretty literal “expression” for a baby’s room. While most nursery decor tends to include whimsical mobiles or cute little hand-drawn pictures of friendly animals, Katie’s baby’s room has a nod to fetus development on flat black mattes. Mmmkay. If only we could see what the comments say. I’m guessing they probably read like this, because people are liars:

“Beautiful! Those black frames really set them off.”

“What a wonderful gift that your child will cherish forever. Keepsake treasures!”

“Those frames fill the wall nicely.”

“Holy moly, these are awesome. Do you make commissioned pieces, too, or can you pass along the name of the artist?”

“Best. Nursery. Ever.”

If you’re going to do something wacky to commemorate your soon-to-be-child’s existence, do it right. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Your friends will appreciate it, especially if they don’t have to avoid staring at magic eye-looking fetus pictures every time they come to your house. An approach like this works well:

This is super weird — so weird that I think I might love it. When people intentionally try to creep out their friends in their online baby announcement, I’m sold. 

Thanks for the inspiration, Ian. This is the first time a totally bizarre Photoshopped fetus has made me smile, then feel scared, and then smile again. You and Julie are all right in my book — unless of course you get these pictures printed large scale and hang them over the baby’s crib. That would be a little much. 

Related: Dad’s Gold Star - Sonogram Edition

(submitted by Anonymous)

This week on Mommyish, I wrote about one of my all-time favorite subjects: Parents who behave badly in public and then write about it on Facebook. It takes a special kind of person to not only act like a douche rocket in a restaurant, retail store, or waiting room with her child, but to also take the time to write about it on social media. That extra step is what separates the moms from the mombies, so to speak, and doing so results in automatic entry onto the STFU, Parents Wall of Shame.

Whether your friend has considered letting her kid poop on the floor at Dollar General, encouraged her kid to take a dump behind a gas station in a state of manic revenge, or just wanted the entire world to know that ANY flat, horizontal surface qualifies as a changing table for her baby, I’m interested in reading about it. And today, I present to you a motherload of submissions about this societal “trend.” Read my examples below, and then read about even more assholery over on Mommyish!

1. Your Only Option Is Your Only Option

I feel like skywriting “THANK YOU, SARA” over the Burger King parking lot in Wickenburg, AZ, if only because Sara deserves the recognition. Her comment should be printed and distributed on every table at every restaurant across America. 

That said, if you look at the facts, there’s really not much else that Rebecca could have done. The supposedly family-friendly restaurant didn’t have changing tables, and well, that was Rebecca’s only real option. Sure, she has a car, but unfortunately her backseat is filled with car seats that have been set in cement and permanently anchored to the interior of her vehicle, the trunk is stuffed with luggage that’s been packed with heavy bricks, and her baby is too darn big for the front seat! What else was she supposed to do? Burger King is lucky she didn’t change her sweet gassy angel right there on the ordering counter!

Plus, hello people, don’t be so OCD. It’s just a little fecal residue. It’s probably healthier than what Burger King puts in its Whopper, if you think about it!

2. “Jobs” and “Other Customers”

Dear Teenage Light-haired Employee,

Taylor didn’t want to act like a cross between a mama bear and a ‘roided out pro-wrestler when she stopped in for lunch today. But unfortunately she was pushed to her limit after perceiving maaajor bimbocity when you told her that she could not change her son in the public dining area. What do you know, anyway? You’re a teenager. You don’t know what it’s like to be a mother with a stinky boy. You don’t know what it’s like to be told to drag a chair into the bathroom like some kind of shameful monster just for wanting to relieve a baby of his diaper dump.

Oh, and to cite a baby’s exposed penis as a reason not to change him in public? HA! Now THAT is funny! Sexualizing a baby??? That is incredibly messed up!! Go back to your “job” worrying about “health code violations” and “getting in trouble with your manager” and never speak to me or my child again!!

Ever since Unbaby.me exploded in popularity, I’ve been getting submissions about parents telling their friends to delete/unfriend/hide/unsubscribe from them if they don’t like seeing baby pics. Most of these updates are written by people who are put off by Unbaby.me, usually to the point of seeing no humor in it at all, and there’s a handful of analogies thrown in about not wanting to see pictures of their friends’ vacations/tasty dinners/bikini bods, or updates about their drinking binges/fancy brunches/shopping sprees. It’s a little depressing, I think, because it’s not like Unbaby.me was created out of malice. It’s not even a commentary on how smelly/loud/floppy babies can be, and it’s certainly not criticizing or speaking to any parents, pictures, or children in particular. Besides, since when did it become a contest between “parent pics” and “non-parent pics”? Can’t we all just Instagram the shit out of our lives and get along?

Based on the submissions I’ve received, I’m not so sure. So many parents consider the idea that their friends might not want to constantly see or hear about their kids as a searing insult. They’re probably the types who get mad when someone doesn’t smile or wave at their child, and they assume anyone who jokes about incessant baby photos on Facebook is a kid-hating, vacation-taking, brunch-eating, gym-going, well-rested assface. But in reality, most people just thought it was kind of funny to replace baby pics with pictures of bacon and puppies for a couple of weeks. No biggie. 

So with all that in mind, here are three examples of parents who have noooo problem with their friends deleting them. None whatsoever. Those baby picture-discriminating losers can just go right ahead and hit the old delete-a-rooni, because these moms aren’t changing what they post about for anyone. SO THERE!

Finally, someone speaks out on this painful subject. Parents ‘round the world are incapable of communication with their families outside of Facebook, and some people simply do not understand that. There’s also a real lack of sensitivity for struggling families who are faced with snarky status updates from their so-called “friends,” and it’s time parents lifted up their voices to say, “No more.”

Hear, hear, Blue! You made a BABY, and she just gets cuter every day. Anyone who’s not interested in seeing pictures of that daily growth should take a break from fixing their car or playing fantasy football and drop you as a friend asap. It’s the least they can do.

Apparently that little capitalization joke is between Kassandra and her former teacher (and Facebook friend), but I’m thinking Kathy is the one who needs the writing lesson. For the love of Vadgesty, can we please retire Mom’s and Dad’s as plural proper nouns words once and for all? That’s all that an enthusiastic teacher like Dave wants. 

Kassandra’s update is pretty smugly nicely phrased overall, but a few of the comments remind me of this recent Gold Star post. There’s got to be a happy medium between “constantly posting pics and talking about my kids” and “causing worry.” How many times does a person have to post about her child on Facebook before her friends start calling child services? 

Before a person has a bay, she can’t even imagine how many albums and status updates she’s going to devote to that bay once it’s born. But after the bay is here it’s like, “Um, people who think they can tell each other when to post about their bays should seriously get over themselves.” Especially considering Facebook photo memorabilia is way cheaper than buyin throw away cameras or film, as people tend to do these days, so it’s not like the PICTURES and UPDATES are going anywhere anytime soon. I hope one day the person (Cherish’s baby’s father?) who Cherish is having drama with learns his lesson about love, and realizes that Cherish and her bay are sexy, and there’s nothing he can do about that. Except hit delete.

Related: Facebook Drama: Annoying Behavior Edition and MY KIDS ARE ME NOW

(submitted by Anonymous)