The half-birthday has gotten so popular in recent years that it’s practically become a legitimate day of celebration. Now, when a kid announces, “It’s my half-birthday today!”, you’re supposed to say, “Well, happy birthday to you!!”, and when a friend sends you an invitation to attend a party for her one-and-a-half-year-old, you’re supposed to bring a gift and act as excited as you did at his other birthday party six months ago.

I don’t know why we first world folks have such a fascination with birthdays and half-birthdays (something about the ME, ME, ME-ness of it all, perhaps?!), but outlandish celebrations for kids on their actual birthdays have already proven to be bad enough. Please don’t try to make me take half-birthdays seriously, too. I’m not capable of it.

If giving a shout-out to your baby’s half-birthday on Facebook qualifies as great parenting, we (or at least Danielle) have set the barrier too low.

What’s even weirder is when parents put more emphasis on their kid’s half-birthday because their actual birthday falls during a “bad time,” like winter. I didn’t even know this was a common thing to do until I read this:

“That’s why I was so happy to have a summer baby.” I guess winter babies are the new gingers? Tara even “skipped March” (whatever that means!) this go-round so she could avoid the ever-unfortunate December/January baby. Oh, what tortured lives those winter babies lead! Celebrating their birthdays indoors like common winter folk, sacrificing pool parties and pony rides and bounce houses for arts and crafts or musical chairs.

Just think how it must feel for all the winter babies who get invited to summer babies’ birthday parties. It must be devastating, which is why parents have started teaching their kids to say, “Screw it, I was born in December, but I celebrate my birthday in June or July with a pool party in my backyard like a civilized human being, thank you very much!” 

I do understand wanting to utilize your pool in the summer and everything, but why not just have a pool party and invite some kids over to swim and eat popsicles? Why does there have to be a celebration with cake and gifts and Tara’s child as the center of attention? Can’t we just accept and embrace the days we were born, so we’re not all scheduling our birthday celebrations (or our kid’s birthday celebrations) for the same four months of summer? Is that too much to ask?

(submitted by Anonymous)

Fright Fest 2011: Stretch Marks Edition

It seems fitting (so to speak) that I’ve received this viral BIRTHMARKS submission from multiple people in the past few days. It IS almost Halloween, and while the sweet sentiment of this poetic dedication to stretch marks is not lost on me (or the thousands of moms sharing it on Facebook), I think we can all agree that the image chosen is, well, boldly going where no stretch marks dedication has gone before. 

Not that I think it’s OK for society to make mothers feel ugly for their post-baby bodies, but how exactly is this image going to change my mind about stretch marks? It sort of looks like an “edgy” advertisement for low cut jeans, with a belly ring and stretch marks thrown in to appeal to young moms. What’s next? An homage to cellulite? A series of photos depicting pre- and post-baby vaginas? As a woman who intends on having kids one day, I know what I’m getting myself into, much like my ass knows what it’s getting itself into when I eat a slice of cheesecake. Can’t we all resign ourselves to these things without exalting our tortured bodies or making a bunch of jokes about them on Facebook? Can’t we keep certain things private, just “because”??

Not if Rhiannon has anything to say about it!

HA HA HA extra skin. Awwwww and ewwwww. The saggy skin saga continues. How very circle of life. LOL!!

**UPDATE** The creator of the BIRTHMARKS image and poem, Cassie Fox, has written an explanatory public note on Facebook that can be found here.

(submitted by Anonymous)

This post is in celebration of the fact that, while other baby contests are still going strong (always!), the Gerber Baby Photo Search is officially over. Until next year, of course. Voting came to a close last night despite the audible tantrums thrown by Facebook moms across the country and, for now at least, everyone can rest easy. Aren’t you going to miss all of this? 

And this:

“Vote or die” has a nice ring to it. Plus, I can actually picture this woman tallying up the friends who haven’t voted so she can show up at their doorsteps with a giant chainsaw. Come to think of it this could be a major summer blockbuster movie! (Film execs, call me.)

Unfortunately, some parents will never let go of their, er, their baby’s dreams of being a famous face. Like a predator hunting its prey, if there’s a contest out there offering a prize package with a $10 gift certificate to T.G.I. Friday’s and a pedicure at a local baby spa (they have those now, right?), certain moms are bound to track ‘em down. 

Pppppllllleeeeaaassssseeee stop it with the contests, parents. Your friends and I are begging you. Just spend the full amount at T.G.I. Friday’s. I’ll even buy your babies pedicures if you stop this madness. (But for the record, if your baby girl doesn’t have the proper bangs, she’s probably not going to win.)

Related: Vote For My Baby! and NOBODY kicks my granddaughter’s ass!!!

PS: I have another post coming up in a bit, but I’m on vacation and have 16 glasses of sangria to drink before that post goes up. Soon, though!

(submitted by Anonymous)