Ahh, another Sunday, another Parent Appreciation Holiday. This time around it’s Father’s Day, which gets celebrated on social media with an entirely different range of reactions than on Mother’s Day. On Mother’s Day, you’re a complete jerk if you don’t thank all the mamas (and all the mama’s mamas) for being selfless heroes, but on Father’s Day, anything goes! Newsfeeds become a smattering of “Love you!”s and “Fuck you!”s, and it’s perfectly acceptable to voice whichever “side” you’re on.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there are shitty dads out there. If there’s one thing daytime television has taught me, it’s that there are some dirty dog daddies in this world who would rather risk going to prison than pay child support or emotionally invest in their children. That said, it’s always a bit of a bummer when Father’s Day rolls around and social media turns into an “I hate my child’s father”-fest. And yet conversely, it’s equally annoying when people pile praise on their kid’s dad on Facebook, because it’s like, “Um, aren’t you guys sitting across the kitchen table from each other?” All in all, Father’s Day on social media is anything but one-note — if a little predictable. Let’s check out some dad-driven examples:

1. Cold Stone Love ♥

These two have a marriage filled with love, support, and sundaes. The good stuff. Scott’s comment may go down in history as my favorite sincere statement ever written on Facebook. It also made me kinda hungry.

2. The Thick Of It

If you post that something or someone is “covered in POOP!” (all caps), you shouldn’t follow it up with the expression “in the thick of it.” Also, I’m not really seeing what’s been so hectic about F.’s day? It’s just because she spilled tea all on her new carpet? Who buys brand new light-colored carpet with a young child at home who’s capable of exploding diarrhea everywhere and then gets concerned with a tea stain? 

3. Acknowledgement Peeves

SNOT! Everyone knows kids are a part of our community and are not “half-people,” and yet they still get treated like second class citizens by restaurant servers. It’s outrageous! How many times do parents have to shout from the rafters Facebook, “Acknowledge our children or BE SHAMED!” before the general public wises up? And then for a server to not say “Happy Father’s Day” like some kind of MORON on top of ignoring a precious baby…well, that’s just unacceptable. There are certain things in a server’s job description that are non-negotiable — keeping water glasses full, bringing out food when it’s hot, smiling/waving/blowing kisses at adorable children — and it’s really sad that it’s the parents, not the restaurant managers, who have to point this stuff out.

Last week on Mommyish, I posted a column about non-sequiturjacking, which is a subject I’ve previously dedicated a round-up to on the blog. As mentioned, I can’t get enough of non-sequiturjackings because they make NO sense whatsoever or so little sense that it’s nearly impossible to resist their comedic charms — depending on your definition of “charms,” of course. If a submission comes my way and doesn’t include a picture of poop stuck to a child’s head, smeared on a child’s face, or sitting on a neon green stool, that automatically gives it appeal. But when a submission genuinely makes me laugh or say “What the ever-loving fuck?” out loud, then I can’t help but acknowledge its pizzazz. Especially when the non-sequiturjackers are so clueless or motivated by self-interest that they sound like squawking chickens. Here are some of my favorite recent examples of this most delightful form of mommyjacking:

1. Good Neighbors

Ummmm, Nicole? If you’re yelling at your kids to the point of neighbors calling the police, that probably means you have good neighbors. And if they don’t put a password on their wifi, that means that they’re exceptional neighbors, not that that has anything to do with your strange comment.

2. Vote Once a Day

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if Landen was really too cute to lose, he would win. Plus, everybody knows that the Gerber Generation Photo Search is THE baby contest of all baby contests, putting Landen’s chances at around 1 in 300,000. So, good luck I guess? I’m assuming Autumn didn’t drum up much support by hijacking Julie’s status update about spay and neutering animals. Not everyone can talk passionately about spay and neutering animals and still show an appreciation for vanity like Bob Barker.

3. Patience Cervix Is Thinning

Damn, Shelby, you’ve still got 13 days left and you’re already mommyjacking about your labor? Yeesh. Sorry girl, but no one cares about your thinning cervix right now. Danielle is sending out an SOS because she’s so busy, and you can’t even be bothered to spell “dilated” correctly? I hope by Day 13 you’ve at least figured that one out. It would also be helpful if you stopped talking about your thinning cervix on Facebook, but, you know…baby steps.

4. Big Talk

I’m sorry, what? Is K. related to Ann? And can a “heart attract” now officially be defined as what happens when you come home from a run and find a kid stabbing a snake with a knife? As in, “I’d love to join you for dinner, but unfortunately I’m still recovering from my earlier heart attract and scraping snake guts off my patio.”

5. Robojacker

I love everything about this submission, from “pac sun” (aka the most popular Stüssy mall retailer in the ’90s), to “firts job,” to Cory’s comment that could *technically* be in response to both Steph and Ana and perhaps was intended to be? Is there a reason Ana sounds like a bot? Is she human? I feel like this thread is one comment away from being about energy supplements. And that is definitely weird. 

Related: Classic Non-SequiturJackings

To read more random non-sequiturjackings, including an example about “a bowl of mac and cheese” and “a damn soup ladle,” head over to Mommyish to read my column!

(submitted by Anonymous)

A couple of years ago, I posted a picture of a couple standing in front of a “superimposed” sonogram of their baby, and I envisioned a whole new world of sonogram possibilities. “Sonogramabilities”? No. That doesn’t work. Anyway, my lesson in The Future continued as fetuses showed up in the funniest of places, like maternity pictures, creepy baby shower cakes, and on mountainsides.

Some people are so taken with their ultrasound photos, they blow them up really big to hang over their mantles as artwork. I’m fascinated by these trends, if only because I like weird stuff, and I think having an obsession with sonograms makes about as much sense as having a “first trimester photo shoot” or throwing yourself multiple baby showers. The self-congratulatory celebrations can only go so far, right? I mean yes, babies are miracles (that are created every second of every day), but sometimes parents become “womb worshippers” who don’t know when to stop. Take, for instance, this picture of Katie’s baby’s room so far:

I don’t mean to trash someone’s idea of good art as I’m no real authority, but this is a pretty literal “expression” for a baby’s room. While most nursery decor tends to include whimsical mobiles or cute little hand-drawn pictures of friendly animals, Katie’s baby’s room has a nod to fetus development on flat black mattes. Mmmkay. If only we could see what the comments say. I’m guessing they probably read like this, because people are liars:

“Beautiful! Those black frames really set them off.”

“What a wonderful gift that your child will cherish forever. Keepsake treasures!”

“Those frames fill the wall nicely.”

“Holy moly, these are awesome. Do you make commissioned pieces, too, or can you pass along the name of the artist?”

“Best. Nursery. Ever.”

If you’re going to do something wacky to commemorate your soon-to-be-child’s existence, do it right. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Your friends will appreciate it, especially if they don’t have to avoid staring at magic eye-looking fetus pictures every time they come to your house. An approach like this works well:

This is super weird — so weird that I think I might love it. When people intentionally try to creep out their friends in their online baby announcement, I’m sold. 

Thanks for the inspiration, Ian. This is the first time a totally bizarre Photoshopped fetus has made me smile, then feel scared, and then smile again. You and Julie are all right in my book — unless of course you get these pictures printed large scale and hang them over the baby’s crib. That would be a little much. 

Related: Dad’s Gold Star - Sonogram Edition

(submitted by Anonymous)