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The caption of this submission became blurry when I made the GIF, but it says: “Paula did u just fart”??? “no” “Was that one of the “??Any one for butter chicken??
Hmm, let me think. NO, Paula, WE’RE ALL GOOD ON BUTTER CHICKEN. But thanks for the aerial shot of your baby’s dirty diaper. You’re not the first person to have come up with that brilliant idea, and I’m sure you won’t be the last.
(submitted by Anonymous)
This week on Mommyish, I talk about know-it-all parents on Facebook. This topic is a long time coming, because it’s a particular type of mommyjacking that annoys parents and non-parents alike. Unsolicited advice is irritating no matter what a person is being “advised” to do, but it’s especially annoying when it’s advice being doled out by “helpful” parents on Facebook.
What is it about some people that causes them to interject and act sanctimonious when there’s nothing to be sanctimonious about? It’s a daunting prospect. A person posts an innocent update and then suddenly she’s getting an earful from a member of the Parenting Hall Monitor Association. Like most mommyjacking sub-categories, it’s not always something that can be predicted. It can, however, give you a pretty good idea of who your friends are. Let’s check out some examples.
1. Lactivists
Kathy needs to pull the breast pump out of her ass and stop acting like a shrew. The onesie is a joke, and whether Izzie is breastfeeding and ‘pumping and dumping’ or isn’t breastfeeding at all is really none of Kathy’s business. Sugar-coating the condescension with “yummy Mama milky” takes this comment to baby talk heights of obnoxiousness. I’ve yet to see anything more annoying than an adult who talks like a toddler on the Internet.
2. One-Two Punch
I’m not sure why Caryn’s comment posted twice (four minutes apart), but it goes to show that you shouldn’t act like the SVP of Seatbelt Safety on Facebook. Once was kind of bitchy. Twice makes you sound like a lunatic. I understand why people get so concerned about seatbelt safety, but there are flight attendants whose job it is to pay attention to such things. Bringing it up makes you look like an asshole.
::Click (twice) to enlarge::
Mom Sorority
Hey sisters, let me ask you something. Do you ever look into your baby’s eyes and think, “This is it. I used to care about so much frivolous bullshit, but now my life is dedicated to this little person who will love me unconditionally. She won’t be like my freshman year roommate who told all the girls on our hall that I made abstract art out of my toenail clippings. Or that girl Amber who slept with my ex-boyfriend after passing out in his lap on a road trip to see Dave Matthews. My baby just looks up at me, gurgles, and in so many words says, “Mommy, you are the most beautiful mommy in the universe, and you’re all mine!” Does that ever happen to anyone else?
Why mess around with friends and drama when you can mess around with Play-Doh? Why pretend it’s fun to have conversations with people your own age when it’s not? Friends? More like people who ditch you when you have a baby. There are never any true friends or real friends once you do that. And really, why get new ones, maybe friends who have children, too, if deep down you know that no one can possibly compete with your child? It’s a waste of time and energy. There’s the relationship between a mother and child, the relationship between the child’s parents, and then there’s Facebook for everything else! What more does a person need? “Skip the drama and focus on being a mama!” There’s a reason that expression is so popular.
Related: I’m fun. Deal with it. and Sanctimommy: Vacation Edition
(submitted by Anonymous)
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