Not-So-Breaking News: Some Moms Aren’t Good At April Fool’s Day

Hayyyy, remember how I said I was working on an “investigative” piece of hard-hitting “journalism” for the blog? Well, I still am. Among other things. Last week kind of flew by? In the meantime, let’s talk briefly about April Fool’s Day — a day that proves some people are really, really bad at coming up with pranks. This year, I’m featuring two of those people. These are their stories. Dun dun. 

In the past, I’ve used April Fool’s Day as an excuse to post disgusting  pictures, as well as other weird things, but for the most part I’d say it’s a pretty “quiet” holiday around these parts. I tend to obsess over holiday posts, and April Fool’s Day content always kind of lets me down. Which is why it’s so apropos that this year’s content is especially, tragically lame. 

First, I should say that in addition to the following submissions, I did actually spend a significant amount of time — WAY too much time, in fact — considering the nature of April Fool’s Day jokes in a column I wrote for Mommyish. The column centered around a poster that made the rounds on Facebook and basically indicts women who joke about being (fake) pregnant on April 1st, which, some might say, is the oldest joke in the book and therefore: 1. dated/boring, 2. traditional/harmless, or, if you’re a fan of this poster, 3. insensitive/hurtful/the opposite of “brilliantly hilarious.”

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I couldn’t believe so many people responded to my query about this poster on the STFUP Facebook page, but the conversation there is worth checking out, especially if you have a large bottle of absinthe in hand.

Because of that goddamn poster, I spent this April Fool’s Day contemplating some serious shit, and for that reason alone, I can’t endorse the campaign. April 1st is the one day a year that people — even news organizations — are supposed to take it light ‘n easy, and this year, it got hijacked by some justifiably emotional women who turned the holiday into a rather damning occasion. At the end of the day (literally), my feelings on the subject were kinda…

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Anyway, if you want to read that column, which is interesting in that “where we are as an internet society” way, check it out right here!

Now, onto this year’s winners for Weakest April Fool’s Day Jokes, which is sort of a Darwin Awards-esque honor that is being shared by two women named Rachel. I’m not proud of mocking the Rachels, partly because this post is a week late and partly because it’s a bit like picking on people who are smaller (i.e. nicer) than I am. Granted, I’m undoubtedly the smaller-minded person here, but in terms of joke-telling, these ladies are truly the gold standard of boring humor on April Fool’s Day. The takeaway is this: Don’t pull a “prank” on April 1st if the topic is so mundane and the outcome so irrelevant that no one in your social network gives a shit. 

Let’s start with Rachel. 

Rachel’s twin babies aren’t sleeping through the night yet — something she’s mentioned once or twice (or 50 times) on Facebook — so she ingeniously hatched this wacky status update prank on April Fool’s Day:

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Ahhhhhckkkghhhfff. That sound you hear is my insides cringing. Rachel’s woe-is-mom version of an April Fool’s Day prank is worse than a corny dad joke about the weather. I’m kind of glad the submitter cut the submission after Rachel’s ridiculous “confession” (ohhh, how difficult it must’ve been to keep the truth a secret for three whole hours!!!), although I have a feeling Erica’s next comment was probably something classic like, “Haha, u actually were joking? Worst joke I’ve seen 2day.”

When your world has gotten so small that you’re “pranking” your Facebook friends about your children’s sleep intervals, it’s time to do something drastic to re-instill your sense of humor. Unless, of course, you didn’t have the greatest sense of humor to begin with. Some people don’t need to lose days of sleep for months on end to confuse a joke that’s genuinely funny with one that’s totally lame.

Meet Rachel:

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On April Fool’s Day, Rachel posted this picture to let her friends know that she and her husband are having a baby boy. But little did her friends know, she was actually playing a super sneaky trick that would turn the average April Fool’s Day pregnancy joke flat on its predictable ass!!!!

On April 2nd, Rachel posted this:

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Derr… what? In the words of the submitter: ”So I saw this on April Fool’s Day and wasn’t sure if I should take it too seriously, but she re-updated today, and most of the first announcement was legit, except they are having a girl instead of a boy. See that’s the funny part, instead of pink sunglasses, they had a mustache on the hunk of bread meant to symbolize their future child! Isn’t that silly?” Yeahhhhhhh.

Other notably “wild” things Rachel 2 has done:

— Eaten peanut butter out of the jar at 3am

— Rapped the words to "Tootsie Roll" at a karaoke bar while completely sober

— Held hands with a ghost (okay, okay, it was on Halloween!)

— Went up the down escalator in the mall…twice

She’s fucking crazy, y’all.

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Ugh. Seriously, I had no idea April Fool’s Day could let me down so much. Next year, maybe we’ll all just go back to rickrolling each other. Ahh…the halcyon days of 2007.

For more thoughts on April Fool’s Day, check out my column on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

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A Sanctimommy Review Of “STFU, Parents” + Book Contest Winners!

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There are many nice reviews of the “STFU, Parents” book on Amazon, but this sanctimommy review might be my favorite. It almost sounds like something I’d write myself after a few glasses of wine for my own amusement. Much like reading the 'Kids In the Community' submissions (which came from a reliable source), it’s kind of hard to believe that people like this really do exist. But we know they do, and now I guess we also know they can’t be coaxed out of their mental parent parking spaces and into the real world where the rest of us live and mock of pretentious parents

That said, what could be better than getting mommyjacked on my very own Amazon page? Whenever I’m feeling blue, I can always tell myself that right now I’m just in my spoiled, ranting teenager stage, and one day my eyes — which I already thought I knew how to open — will be VERY OPENED if I ever become a mother. This review is brilliant, and what I especially like is that it was sent in by a reader who knew how much I’d appreciate it. It even comes close to the time my former restaurant manager told me that I was the rudest person she’d ever met in her entire life (in an Australian accent!). That was ten years ago, and it appears not much has changed. 

So! Who’s ready to find out the book contest winners?! Aside from getting to read the rantings of a spoiled teenager, you’ll also receive some temporary tattoos, and I’ll be sure to sign each copy so you can make big $$$ one day when you sell it (if you haven’t previously thrown it in an incinerator or forsaken it in a ritual book sacrifice). Because there were so many comments on a somewhat ambiguously-worded post about the book giveaway on Facebook, I’m giving away (5) copies to you guys on the blog, and (3) copies to commenters on the Facebook page.

The randomly chosen blog winners (by commenter handle) are:

Karen Milton, KatieBoBatie, Nancy, neighbor57, and squib*! I’ve emailed you guys with the addresses linked to your commenter profiles. If you don’t check those email accounts, email me!

And the randomly chosen Facebook winners, whom I’ve “replied” to, are:

Debby House, Holly Smith Mills, and Joe Schussler, who thoughtfully remarked, “This blog has changed my life. I now know that I am neither the worst nor the most insane parent out there. Feeling mediocre and loving it.” 

To mediocrity! 

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Thanks again to everyone who reads this ridiculous website, and I’ll be back on Monday with a new and exciting “investigative report.” It’s no Moose and Zee, but it’s pretty damn close.

Related: My Childless Blog Manifesto

*Update: When Squib replied to my email with her mailing address, she added, “Also, I have kids, so please make sure you instruct the post office that the driver should turn off the engine and coast down my street before depositing the book carefully wrapped in a pillow so as not to disturb my angels. : )” Touché.

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Blog Birthday: STFU, Parents Turns 5 + Baby Cake, Best Posts, & More!

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Balloons, a party hat, sunglasses, and a half-born baby?? Y’ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!! This witty bitty baby blog will be heading off to KINDERGARTEN soon. According to most preschools in 2014, that means the blog is also about to “graduate” for the first time! It’s almost too much for this fierce mama bear to handle. Then again, it could be the baby that’s covered in blood and being lovingly yanked from his surgically sliced mother that’s causing me to have heart palpitations. It is a pretty gory scene. And yet, it’s worth noting that despite the dramatics of birth, this baby still looks super chill. He’s basically like, “Okay guys, I was catching a little shut-eye, but I guess if you must pull me from the depths of my mother’s womb, I could go for some nachos and chili fries after getting weighed and stuff.” 

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Holly comes in with the only practical response to a “surprise” close-up of a friend’s C-section on Facebook. “wow that certainly is something” might actually be THE most subdued way of saying, “What the fuck were you thinking?!?” that I’ve ever heard. Maybe Holly’s just the type of person who knows exactly what to say in every situation, sensibly trading outright insults for matter-of-fact observations. Instead of “ew,” Holly says “ah.”

I sure wonder what she had to say when she got to this picture:

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