I get a kick out of petty parent hysterics, especially when the ire is directed at people who don’t “acknowledge” children. We’ve seen a few examples of this before, but I thought it would be fun to read several submissions in a row just to really drive home the point. 

It’s not that I don’t sympathize with parents for feeling pissed off that someone didn’t smile or wave back at their child; it’s just that I wonder why the sentiment must be shared online. Like I said in my Mommyish column this week, “One of the most important lessons parents will teach their kids is knowing when to choose their battles, so it strikes me as funny that some people choose to make “waving” a battle.” Oh, the hardships some overly sensitive parents must endure! Thank goodness there are outlets for them to communicate their woes. Let’s check out some (more) examples of this extreme injustice in our society:

1. Mommy Peeves

I don’t know what’s worse — taking the time to issue a formal statement on Facebook about smile/wave protocol, or talking in the third person and calling yourself “mommy.” It’s one thing to say, “mommy needs a vacation,” (I guess), but “mommy has a new pet peeve,” sounds like the complaint of a person who protests when there’s too much salt on her margarita glass. You can’t please a woman who says in all seriousness that her toddler “took the time out of her day” to smile at someone, as if her child paused an extremely busy afternoon of drooling, pooping, crying, and falling down to do someone else a massive favor. I didn’t realize smiling was such an undertaking.

2. Innocent Kindness

Man, does it burn me up when cranky assholes don’t take the time to say “hi” to a child whose enthusiasm and joy are like a solar panel, brightening everyone’s day wherever she goes. What kind of douchebag doesn’t recognize innocent kindness when it’s staring them in the face? It is TRAGIC that children have to grow up realizing that the world is crammed with rude monsters who deserve to be smacked upside the head with a shovel. Stupid ignorant bastards and their bad attitudes! At least those children can look to their sweet parents for guidance during trying times. 

3. Grump-Faced People

This is like the time a grumpy cafe worker was accused of pure and simple ageism for “glowering” at a toddler (translation: “staring into space while bored at a low-paying job”). Maybe the “grump-faced people” in the industrial-carpeted business pictured above are just going about their day and don’t necessarily want to have a chat with a baby, no matter how cute her mother thinks she is. Where are they, anyway? The bank? The DMV? A place that sells industrial carpet? None of those places sound fun to me. I can manage to be cheerful when running errands, but not 100% of the time, particularly when there’s a baby crawling underfoot.

4. Stupid Bitches

Hey, you dumb bitch waitress, thanks for doing your job and all, but because you refused to acknowledge a child’s meaningful air kisses, you can forget about paying your power bill. You don’t even know an opportunity when it flutters out of a little boy’s hand and lands on the tip of your nose. Why would someone reward that kind of ignorance with money? Here’s a different kind of tip: Tell children they’re adorable or starve. Hope you enjoyed serving people who had every intention of tipping you, but more importantly, hope you learned a valuable lesson in etiquette. Next time you’ll find a note and a cute little boy’s drawing of the $5 bill you missed out on. He’s creative like that. Blam

To read more about crushing children’s spirits (and their parents’ spirits, too), check out my column on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Inspired by fond memories of this post, I dedicated last week’s Mommyish column to the ever-obnoxious yet ever-amusing sanctimommy. Well, to all the sanctimommies out there keepin’ it real and acting like the world owes them something (or like they’re the best parents that ever stepped foot inside a grocery store). In fact, for all the vitriol people feel toward sanctimommies, they’re extremely popular — on the blog, that is. “Sanctimommy” is not only the best portmanteau ever, it’s also in the top 3 most beloved categories on the site. I should really dedicate more posts to these self-absorbed (but often well-intentioned) status updates. 

So with that said, let’s see what’s happening over on Sanctimommy Lane, where knowing smiles, vigorous back-patting, and being number one reign supreme. 

1. 24/7 Sanctimommy

Every time I almost forget that some people get pissed off if you call them after 8PM, or expect to hang out in the evening, or aren’t quiet in rest stop bathrooms, I receive a submission like this one. FYI: Nobody contact Jessica for important or unimportant matters for the next 24 hours. Do not call to talk about last night’s episode of Grey’s, or to discuss an urgent stroller recall, or to make breezy lunch plans. Jessica is taking care of her family including her genius son and she doesn’t need her friends calling or coming by and screwing that up :)

2. Sanctimompetition

Everyone, I’d like to take a moment to recognize Angela’s excellence in the field of sanctimommyjackingbragging. Not everyone can accomplish this feat with such cheerful ignorance, and I wish to award her with a TROPHY that weighs exactly 95 pounds - one for every pound of weight she pushed into that 15mph headwind on this blustery winter’s day. It takes a strong woman to do that, but it takes an even stronger woman to do that and mommyjack to prove her athletic superiority.

3. Pre-Schedule Sanctimommy

Hmm, so, judging by this laundry list of birthday DON’Ts, I think it’s safe to say Holly shouldn’t even consider having her baby until the next Leap Year. Or, if I may make another suggestion, INVENT A NEW CALENDAR DAY. Think about it: No one else will have that birthday first, or maybe ever again if the day manages to be that exclusive. Like in Being John Malkovich, when LesterCorp is based on the 7 1/2th floor. Why settle for a birthday on September 19th or October 1st when you could celebrate your baby’s arrive on September 19 1/2 or October 1.5? I can’t believe no one else has thought of this. I mean, as if Holly’s baby is going to share a birthday with Alicia’s dog Roxy. I don’t think so.

4. Woe Is Sanctimommy 

Ugh, stupid freaking students and their whining! Seriously, when are full-time students who work part-time not talking about exhausted they are? It’s such BS that people think they have the right to complain when they have NO IDEA what it’s like to go home after a long day and then play with the kids and then make them supper and then take pictures of their poop in the bath. Now THAT is exhausting, aka something that selfish, joyless, childless people will never ever realize or care about. Ugh, people without kids are unbearable.

Cut the crap, Melissa. We all know you just answered your own question, which is obviously a two-letter word that begins with an “N” and ends with an “O.” No, it is not okay to feel exhausted, or to think you feel exhausted, or to announce that you feel exhausted, especially if you are any of the below:

A) Not pregnant

B) Not a parent

C) Age 21, 22, or whatever bitchy ages are under 25

D) A full-time student

Go back to bed, rookie. Call Lindsey and her P.O.B. when you finally know WTF you’re talking about.

5. Pep Talks

The sentiment here is really lovely, and Lindsey reminds me of a less endearing J. (World’s Best Dad). She’s not only determined to be the best mom she can be, she’s determined for ALL parents to be the best they can be, too. How selfless is that? She’s like one of those feel-good adage apps that clogs your feed with famous quotes and makes you feel both wiser and more jaded. Did you know that your children are your best friends and yours forever? You do now. And Lindsey will always be there to remind you.

6. Mom’s Gold Star > Shushing Sanctimommies

Everyone in this thread deserves a Gold Star, but as far as I’m concerned, the true awesomeness lies with Melony and her friend. Melony posted this message on a moms forum on Facebook, and boy, am I glad that she did. I couldn’t love her story or her attitude more. She’s like the opposite of rest stop sanctimommy. She and Dawn could be BFFs! More than anything, I just want to say to Melony if she happens to be reading: Please start a parenting blog. Facebook Moms™ like you don’t come along every day.

For more sanctimonious sanctimommy sancti’ good times, head over to Mommyish to read my column! 

(submitted by Anonymous)

This week on Mommyish, I wrote about car seat fanatics. Like I said over there, “Niche Parents” seem to be cropping up everywhere these days. How many of us know someone who can’t stop talking about that one baby-related thing that she knows everything about (and damn proud of it!)? Between the hardcore breastfeeding advocates, cloth diaper gurus, and vaccine/allergy/organic-obsessed know-it-alls, it seems a lot of modern parents are determined to have a “niche” of expertise. Some are trained and certified in a particular area, but others sort of adopt their own definition of “expert,” even though what they really are can be described more as a hobbyist, fetishist, control freak, helicopter parent, or other fun terms that basically amount to “crazy person.” 

The thing is, I understand that everyone has weird obsessions. What I find interesting about Niche Parents, though, is their interest in proselytizing. It’s one thing to be a closeted car seat fanatic who researches all the best car seats and keeps up with ever-changing NHTSA regulations privately, but it’s another thing to engage in forum boards and consistently post about car seats on Facebook or bring them up in conversation over dinner. That actually makes a person sound looney, and some loonies are also arrogant, condescending, and annoying. Who goes on Facebook to get lectured about how to strap a kid into a car? It’s one of those things a person can easily find the answer to on his or her own without the constant newsfeed reminders. 

On Mommyish, I posted six submissions all written by the same mom who I’ll call The Obsessive. Kaye freaking loves car seats, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she had one custom-built for herself for her birthday. Here on the blog, we’re taking a look at The Lecturer, who can usually be summed up like this:

The Lecturer cannot stop talking about car seats to the point of practically declaring herself the Safety Queen, and she aspires to blink on her friends’ Facebook radar as frequently as possible. Today’s Lecturer example is a woman named Stacey who drove one of her friends so crazy with updates, I received over a dozen submissions over the course of a few weeks. I can only imagine Stacey is still posting about car seats now, but it’s been a few months since I got these, so maybe she’s moved on to childproofing or something. In any case, here are several examples of her intense and somewhat morbid obsession with car seats.