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Mom Sorority 

Hey sisters, let me ask you something. Do you ever look into your baby’s eyes and think, “This is it. I used to care about so much frivolous bullshit, but now my life is dedicated to this little person who will love me unconditionally. She won’t be like my freshman year roommate who told all the girls on our hall that I made abstract art out of my toenail clippings. Or that girl Amber who slept with my ex-boyfriend after passing out in his lap on a road trip to see Dave Matthews. My baby just looks up at me, gurgles, and in so many words says, “Mommy, you are the most beautiful mommy in the universe, and you’re all mine!” Does that ever happen to anyone else?

Why mess around with friends and drama when you can mess around with Play-Doh? Why pretend it’s fun to have conversations with people your own age when it’s not? Friends? More like people who ditch you when you have a baby. There are never any true friends or real friends once you do that. And really, why get new ones, maybe friends who have children, too, if deep down you know that no one can possibly compete with your child? It’s a waste of time and energy. There’s the relationship between a mother and child, the relationship between the child’s parents, and then there’s Facebook for everything else! What more does a person need? “Skip the drama and focus on being a mama!” There’s a reason that expression is so popular.

Related: I’m fun. Deal with it. and Sanctimommy: Vacation Edition

(submitted by Anonymous)

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It cracks me up when restaurant patrons send PR contacts “long emails” bitching about something that happened at dinner that was their own fault. I’m all for complaining when something legitimately goes wrong that’s outside a person’s control - like, say, receiving food that made them sick, or having a poor experience with a server who was rude for no reason - but when an incident is actually the customer’s fault, and then the customer complains, why should the PR rep care? Because the person is a “paying customer”? Please. 

We’re all so trained to think “the customer is always right,” we often forget that we are slovenly assholes who refuse to accept responsibility for our own actions. And while it’s a publicist’s job to review emails about conduct and “customer suffering,” it is hardly in the rep’s best interest to pay lip service to “long emails” written by conspicuously dramatic mothers who make baby spit threats on the internet. Especially when those threats are in response to something they could have prevented from happening.

I’m not suggesting that kids don’t run loose on occasion. Children are like the human equivalent of that scene in ‘Pretty Woman’ when a snail flies across the room. They’re nearly impossible to control sometimes. But I am saying that once a child sneaks through the rail to the ‘no minors’ area at the Sticky Wicket Pub, regardless of how “disrespectful” a server is, his mother’s response should be, “We’ll make sure he stays in the family dining area, thanks,” and not, “I will hunt you down the next time he is sick and have him sneeze in your mouth.” Assuming, of course, that the server didn’t force the kid to wash dishes or bus tables or sling drinks as punishment. I’m glad that Blondie seems to agree. Is it just me or is she treating Elizabeth like a princess who regularly whines on Facebook while shining her tiara? Sometimes you’ve just gotta choose your battles.

Related: How (Not) To Act In a Restaurant, Screaming Babies In Restaurants, and Restaurant Etiquette Redux

(submitted by Anonymous)