"Parent-splaining" is the latest craze to sweep
the nation the internet, and if you’re reading this post right now, I’m guessing you’ve come across at least one example online. Broken down to its most basic elements, parent-splaining is defined as “parents explaining parenting to their childless friends.” Whether they’re outlining precisely why they can’t hang out with their friends anymore in excruciating detail (“Like sorry dudes MY KIDS ARE ME NOW”) or providing unsolicited lessons in what it’s like to have the most important job in the world, parent-splainers get an enormous amount of attention when their tips and rants go viral. For every enlightened mom or dad who rises to the occasion to “educate” the childless public on the sacrifices and drudgery of having kids, there are thousands of eager parents at the ready to share the parenting real talk with their expansive social networks.
Inexplicably, and yet also predictably, more than 300,000 people on Facebook have ‘Liked’ this week’s essential Huffington Post parent-splaining item, 'Once We Become Parents We Don't Want to Hang Out With You Anymore (But Not for the Reasons You Think),' which is in a similar vein as Jason Good’s 2011 post 'To all my friends without children.', and just on the heels of the latest YouTube sensation, 'Friends Without Kids.' But those are just a few generic parenting-splaining examples; there’s also the popular “What Stay-At-Home Moms Do All Day (It’s Way More Than You Think!)” angle, famously sermonized last year by Matt Walsh and more recently by Daddy Fishkins in faddish blog posts that get shared by parents all the time. Basically, if it reads like a fun-loving open letter about parenting that’s tinged with self-satisfaction, a large number of parents will go apeshit for it.
I wrote about this in detail over on Mommyish, where you can also find several examples of parents parent-splainin’ themselves (‘cause non-parents just don’t understand). But before you read that rambling novel, below I’ve “curated” a delightful range of pointers, ponderings, and preoccupations parents have about parenthood that absolutely needed to be communicated via Facebook. These things are important!
1. Parents Can’t Do Lunch So Stop Asking
Haha, FREE? For LUNCH? The FUCK is that?! Lololol okay yeah, let’s get “lunch” during my “free time” away from my living, breathing CHILD who is my responsibility at all times, that sounds awesomesauce! I’ll get the chicken sandwich and tomato soup, and you can get whatever it is that stupid, childless bitches eat. What is that, like, lettuce wraps with a side of total ignorance? Yum! HELLO. I’m a MOM NOW.
2. God’s Gifts
Poor friends-of-Terri. They don’t get to hang out with her anymore. :((( They must be feeling such a roller coaster of emotions right now. Both happy for Terri because she has those three incredibly precious girls who are all sweet little angel-gifts from the Lord, but also kind of unhappy because it’s like ever since Terri gave birth, she’s morphed into a preachy Explainer who talks shit on Facebook and doles out passive-aggressive smiley faces like it’s her job. You know what, Terri? You’re the one igniting the drama, so by ALL means keep doing what YOU’RE doing, because it’s actually very amusing and your friends are highly entertained. :)