Last week on Mommyish, I posted a column about non-sequiturjacking, which is a subject I’ve previously dedicated a round-up to on the blog. As mentioned, I can’t get enough of non-sequiturjackings because they make NO sense whatsoever or so little sense that it’s nearly impossible to resist their comedic charms — depending on your definition of “charms,” of course. If a submission comes my way and doesn’t include a picture of poop stuck to a child’s head, smeared on a child’s face, or sitting on a neon green stool, that automatically gives it appeal. But when a submission genuinely makes me laugh or say “What the ever-loving fuck?” out loud, then I can’t help but acknowledge its pizzazz. Especially when the non-sequiturjackers are so clueless or motivated by self-interest that they sound like squawking chickens. Here are some of my favorite recent examples of this most delightful form of mommyjacking:

1. Good Neighbors

Ummmm, Nicole? If you’re yelling at your kids to the point of neighbors calling the police, that probably means you have good neighbors. And if they don’t put a password on their wifi, that means that they’re exceptional neighbors, not that that has anything to do with your strange comment.

2. Vote Once a Day

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if Landen was really too cute to lose, he would win. Plus, everybody knows that the Gerber Generation Photo Search is THE baby contest of all baby contests, putting Landen’s chances at around 1 in 300,000. So, good luck I guess? I’m assuming Autumn didn’t drum up much support by hijacking Julie’s status update about spay and neutering animals. Not everyone can talk passionately about spay and neutering animals and still show an appreciation for vanity like Bob Barker.

3. Patience Cervix Is Thinning

Damn, Shelby, you’ve still got 13 days left and you’re already mommyjacking about your labor? Yeesh. Sorry girl, but no one cares about your thinning cervix right now. Danielle is sending out an SOS because she’s so busy, and you can’t even be bothered to spell “dilated” correctly? I hope by Day 13 you’ve at least figured that one out. It would also be helpful if you stopped talking about your thinning cervix on Facebook, but, you know…baby steps.

4. Big Talk

I’m sorry, what? Is K. related to Ann? And can a “heart attract” now officially be defined as what happens when you come home from a run and find a kid stabbing a snake with a knife? As in, “I’d love to join you for dinner, but unfortunately I’m still recovering from my earlier heart attract and scraping snake guts off my patio.”

5. Robojacker

I love everything about this submission, from “pac sun” (aka the most popular Stüssy mall retailer in the ’90s), to “firts job,” to Cory’s comment that could *technically* be in response to both Steph and Ana and perhaps was intended to be? Is there a reason Ana sounds like a bot? Is she human? I feel like this thread is one comment away from being about energy supplements. And that is definitely weird. 

Related: Classic Non-SequiturJackings

To read more random non-sequiturjackings, including an example about “a bowl of mac and cheese” and “a damn soup ladle,” head over to Mommyish to read my column!

(submitted by Anonymous)

This week on Mommyish, I preached on a subject that makes me want to grab my best hanky and cry: DEATHJACKING. There’s tragedyjacking, and then there’s bare bones deathjacking, which all began years back with a depressingly memorable post called Charlie’s Angels. As it turns out, some people habitually insert themselves in comment threads about sympathy and loss because they have no idea what kind of assholes they sound like, and today’s post is dedicated to those assholes. So throw on a black shawl (fellas, I know you’re not above this), and pour yourself a tall glass of whiskey, because you’ll soon be mourning the loss of dignity displayed throughout this post. 

1. Shut Up, Reba

What is it about a terrible tragedy that inspires folks like Reba to share  celebratory news couched as an uplifting counterpoint? You know, people like Rebecca, or Michelle, or Amber? They should all form a deathjacking sorority.

2. Grandson KeAvion

What’s more troubling: A crazy grandma ranting about her grandson’s flu-like virus on a thread about a funeral, OR the Fact that She capitalizes Odd Words, including her Own Grandson’s Name, which we’re led to believe is KeAvion? Also, is T. working on a book called “My Grandson KeAvion”? I would love to read it if it’s anything like her comment. Could be a good movie, too. It’s been far too long since a grandparent came onto the entertainment scene with exciting tales like ‘The Time KeAvion Got a Common Virus’ or ‘The Time I Missed a Funeral and Made 100 Excuses About it on Facebook’. We all owe it to future generations to write our stories down for safe keeping. Otherwise, what will become of them?

3. Birthday Buddies

OMG what a coincidence. Amber’s dead fetus might’ve shared a birthday with little Kenny! They could have had shared birthday parties, been best friends, and maybe even one day been college roommates. It’s a damn shame that Amber miscarried. Truly saddening. No one understands that more than Nysa.

4. Mediocre Helper

‘Just think if’ is one of those expressions that can be applied to many things for no productive reason. For example, just think if S. could spell compassionate correctly. Just think if she could use her fucking brain before commenting on Facebook. Just think if she spent her time and energy focusing on building people up rather than tearing them down for their selfless decisions. Wouldn’t that be a revelation? Why cause M.’s head to hurt as much as her heart? R.I.P. little kitty. I am officially bummed out now.

To read more egregious deathjacker examples, check out my column over on Mommyish. It’s a real laugh riot!

(submitted by Anonymous)

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a column for Mommyish about polite ways to get your friends off your back about having a baby. This is a subject I’m often emailed about, and one popular question is, “Do you ever get submissions where someone tells off a mommyjacker?” I kind of sense that people ask with a gleam in their eye, and they want me to write back, “You bet your sweet ass I do!” Since most people don’t feel comfortable telling friends and family to STFU when they get mommyjacked, there’s always the hope that somewhere out there, someone else has. 

So today, on the eve of the STFU, Parents Book coming out, let’s take a look at some examples of people standing up to their mommyjackers. If there was such a thing as Facebook self-defense classes, this is the stuff the instructors might teach. To anyone out there who’s considered asking a friend, sister, co-worker, or Farmville farmer about the state of her uterus: Don’t. And to anyone who been hammered with baby questions (whether you plan on having kids or not), this round-up is for you. Here are 5 ways to talk to a mommyjacker:

1. New Adventures

Blue slays me with her enthusiasm. “Haha! I would probably develop a debilitating addiction to painkillers, ”forget” to pick up the kids after school in the hopes that someone else might raise them, and then run away from it all and change my name!” Nice try, Purple.

2. Try It With Kids 

Oh SNAP, Holly. It’s like April shot you with a few pellets, and you casually threw back a grenade. It’s the comment equivalent of nipping something in the bud. “No thanks, I’ll just keep going to the DMV, grocery store, and dentist without any kids in tow.” Can’t really argue with that.

3. Logical Conclusions

I hope Jori let out a long, throaty chortle before she responded to Karen’s comment. “Hahahaha oh HAIL no.” I can think of at least 4000 instances in which I’ve had the same thought. Amirite, ladies???

4. Don’t Complain About Being Tired (Unless You Have Kids)

OH TRIPLE SNAP. Joan and Ryan are both teachers, and Jennie done messed with the wrong education department. Don’t start complaining about a sick baby around a teacher, especially a drama or music teacher, because you will get shut down. “Try 40 kids, muffin,” I can practically hear them sneering back. Yawn. When are we going to stop turning “tired” into a competition?

5. The Opposite Of Mommyjacking

Finally, for good measure, let’s bask in the glory that is the anti-mommyjacker, i.e. someone who seeks out opportunities to remind her friends that she doesn’t have kids. What do call that? A childfreejacker? Pretty perfect for April Fool’s Day. Tough blow, Rose. Vida got you good.

Related: Mommyjacking Marathon - Wait Til You Have Kids and Have a Kid!

Don’t forget to read my column on Mommyish about the various ways to get your friends off your back on Facebook!

(submitted by Anonymous)