A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a column for Mommyish about polite ways to get your friends off your back about having a baby. This is a subject I’m often emailed about, and one popular question is, “Do you ever get submissions where someone tells off a mommyjacker?” I kind of sense that people ask with a gleam in their eye, and they want me to write back, “You bet your sweet ass I do!” Since most people don’t feel comfortable telling friends and family to STFU when they get mommyjacked, there’s always the hope that somewhere out there, someone else has. 

So today, on the eve of the STFU, Parents Book coming out, let’s take a look at some examples of people standing up to their mommyjackers. If there was such a thing as Facebook self-defense classes, this is the stuff the instructors might teach. To anyone out there who’s considered asking a friend, sister, co-worker, or Farmville farmer about the state of her uterus: Don’t. And to anyone who been hammered with baby questions (whether you plan on having kids or not), this round-up is for you. Here are 5 ways to talk to a mommyjacker:

1. New Adventures

Blue slays me with her enthusiasm. “Haha! I would probably develop a debilitating addiction to painkillers, ”forget” to pick up the kids after school in the hopes that someone else might raise them, and then run away from it all and change my name!” Nice try, Purple.

2. Try It With Kids 

Oh SNAP, Holly. It’s like April shot you with a few pellets, and you casually threw back a grenade. It’s the comment equivalent of nipping something in the bud. “No thanks, I’ll just keep going to the DMV, grocery store, and dentist without any kids in tow.” Can’t really argue with that.

3. Logical Conclusions

I hope Jori let out a long, throaty chortle before she responded to Karen’s comment. “Hahahaha oh HAIL no.” I can think of at least 4000 instances in which I’ve had the same thought. Amirite, ladies???

4. Don’t Complain About Being Tired (Unless You Have Kids)

OH TRIPLE SNAP. Joan and Ryan are both teachers, and Jennie done messed with the wrong education department. Don’t start complaining about a sick baby around a teacher, especially a drama or music teacher, because you will get shut down. “Try 40 kids, muffin,” I can practically hear them sneering back. Yawn. When are we going to stop turning “tired” into a competition?

5. The Opposite Of Mommyjacking

Finally, for good measure, let’s bask in the glory that is the anti-mommyjacker, i.e. someone who seeks out opportunities to remind her friends that she doesn’t have kids. What do call that? A childfreejacker? Pretty perfect for April Fool’s Day. Tough blow, Rose. Vida got you good.

Related: Mommyjacking Marathon - Wait Til You Have Kids and Have a Kid!

Don’t forget to read my column on Mommyish about the various ways to get your friends off your back on Facebook!

(submitted by Anonymous)

This week on Mommyish, I wrote about a realization I had that of all the different types of people out there, very few are eager to one-up their friends by saying that their shit is worse than their friends’. Sure, there are instances when you say, “My day was crappy,” and friends will chime in to “top” you with their crappy day stories, but in terms of population segments, mommyjackers are some of the most predictable “types” of people to do this. They really seem to enjoy the game of one-upmanship, whether it has to do with parenthood being super amazing or parenthood being a total drag. Usually, we hear about the parents who participate in marathon-bragging “mompetitions,” but what about the ones who do the opposite and make constant complaint comparisons? (aka “complarisons”)

What strikes me about this one-up pattern is that most people already agree that being a parent isn’t easy. No one ever said giving birth and wiping a kid’s ass every day would be all Cheerios and rainbows. And yet, mommyjackers still compulsively remind their friends of this fact as if they haven’t got a clue. It’s funny in that it’s kind of offensive, but also incredibly naive. Did you know that parenting takes a lot of work and isn’t always a walk in a cane field? It’s true! Some mommyjackers even act like other parents don’t know, either because their kids are different ages or they have different allergies or whaaatever, and I can only imagine those people squinting confusedly at their screens and thinking, “She does know that I have a kid, too, right?”

Here are some examples I pulled together from my mommyjacking “My Shit Is Worse” folder — including an example with an excellent reply!

1. Exhaustion Comparisons

Well, MartinandNatalie (if that is your real double identity), I guess you win this round! Except, all that Rebecca was saying is that five hours of sleep isn’t enough — a bland, yet relatable status update in which friends can commiserate without getting into too much detail. It’d be like saying, “One square of toilet paper is so not enough.” No one needs to know why; it just is.

2. Bladder Comparisons

Somehow in Purple’s world, “winning” a bladder contest between friends means determining who can hold their pee for the least amount of time. “You think you can’t hold 4.5 glasses of water without pissing yourself? Try doing that while pregnant! :) I almost peed myself on the way to the doctor so many times, I actually bought an old spaghetti pot at a yard sale that I kept on the floorboard just in case. It was CRAZY :)”

DeathJacking: Aweful Edition

We’ve seen some absurd deathjacking submissions on the blog, but this one really makes me want to break out the tissues and have a good cry. After all, the only thing sadder than a mother killing her children and then herself is a status update about “praying for the family” posted by a stranger who only partially gives a shit. 

We’ve all seen these types of updates before. “Very very sad day. Please keep this person/family/dog/run-down Buick in your prayers.” And sometimes, I do think the posters are well-intentioned. Actually, most of the time they probably are. I even think Rebecca had good intentions, before she took a dump on her “Facebook memorial” by segueing into an unrelated update about Ethan’s nap. Once she did that, my bullshit-o-meter exploded and I went from picturing her like this to picturing her like this. Or, was she just done praying by the time Chelsea commented?

I’m not saying that Rebecca needed to devote her entire afternoon to praying for the victims’ family, but I figured she’d at least devote her status update to it. Isn’t talking about your kid’s nap time considered rude in the middle of prayer? I guess that rule doesn’t apply to Facebook, especially if you’re the one leading the prayer. One minute you’re praying for a bunch of strangers’ relatives, and the next you’re boasting about your baby Ethan, bless his little heart. Babies are awefully fabulous. :)

Related: Non-Sequitur MommyJacking Round-Up

(submitted by Anonymous)