MommyJacking: Have a Kid! Edition

After the intense reaction to yesterday’s post, I decided this week’s Mommyish column should be about “What Not To Say To Your Childfree Friend.” Interestingly, since posting that column I’ve received an email from a pregnant reader who also hears the same annoying shit all day long, so perhaps my title was off. But regardless, the purpose of the column is to call attention to something we see a lot on the blog: mommyjackers talking as though everyone in the WHOLE WORLD wants to have a baby someday (or today!) simply because the mommyjackers themselves think having kids is awesome. OR, they think it’s awesome, but they also think it sucks ass so they figure out ways to sneak in bitter parenting “jokes” alongside claims of parenthood being the best thing EVER which kind of pisses off their friends.

It’s no secret that I want kids someday myself, but these are the types of comments that would annoy anyone regardless of wanting kids or not. They’re mommyjacking at its purest, full of stupid smilies and parenthood prosthelytizing, and they serve no real purpose. So in honor of yesterday’s “babyhaters” post, I present to you five (more) examples of things parents should stop saying to their friends - childfree or not! 

1. The Meaning Of Life

If you’re looking for the meaning of it all - and I don’t mean “the meaning of PowerPoint” or “the meaning of LOST”; I mean like “life” - try not to think so hard about it. It’s actually quite simple to discover the answers that you seek. Easier than one might expect, actually! All it requires is having a baby. No “clicking your heels” or “looking deep within your soul” or “peyote” necessary. Just have a baby and you will get it :)

2. Lack of Sleep

Heh, silly Moira. You want to talk about what, now? Something called “sleep”? Am I spelling it correctly? If you’re a parent, you don’t know what sleep is! Forget about experiencing what sleep feels like. No, instead of actually sleeping you’re resigned to a life of complaining about never sleeping, which - believe me - makes a person deliriously tired. Who the heck would keep a sleep journal to track how much sleep he or she gets? Parents should keep sleep journals to track the amount of sleep they’re loosing! Amirite, parents??!!

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Posted on Wednesday, April 11, 2012 in MommyJacking

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WTFJacking

According to the submitter, Melinda is pregnant, which sort of explains Nicole’s comment. Or at least, it tangentially explains it. The rest of her comment, though, is the stuff pamphlets are made of. She’s like the Jehovah’s Witness of baby heart defects. I especially enjoy the “Hugs.” she added at the end, as if to say, “I’m here for you if your baby is born with a fucked up heart.” What better way to congratulate a friend on her brother’s engagement than by scaring the shit out of her with a rant about hypothetical health problems her baby could have? Way to go, Nicole! Approximately 0 in 1,000,000 people appreciate being WTFjacked on their Facebook wall!

The submitter and I exchanged multiple emails about this submission, but in the end, no questions were really answered. Here’s what that person had to say: “As far as I know, Nicole doesn’t live next to a sex offender, and I haven’t seen any other Facebook posts that are related at all. I did go back to check if the conversation had continued and noticed Nicole had unfriended Maya and deleted her comments. I just found the whole interaction so strange!”

Indeed, so do I! Especially since Maya isn’t exactly giving clinical social workers a good name here, which is a bummer since most social workers deserve a medal for what they deal with on a daily basis. The only medal Maya is worthy of is the kind presented to Outstanding MommyJackers Recognized for Excellence in Assholery. If Nicole needs a reality check, what does that mean Maya needs? A mom jeans wedgie? A T-shirt that says, “Proud to be a Level 3 offender mommyjacker”? BEWARE, people who don’t have kids and enjoy posting positivity adages on Facebook. You just might have a Maya living in your friends list.

*Side note* Yes, there are three different Nicoles in this post. Deal with it.

Related: MommyJacking - Dead Squiral Edition and Real Women

(submitted by Anonymous)

Posted on Thursday, April 05, 2012 in MommyJacking

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MommyJacking: The Hunger Games Edition As we learned yesterday, it is utterly absurd to think that once you become a mother, you can take a vacation away from your family. But here’s something else you might not realize: You can’t go to the movies, either. Well, you can but there are certain restrictions and rules that apply, and the price of breaking those rules is getting publicly chewed out by your mom friends. That’s just how the whole motherhood thing works! It might not be “fair,” but whoever said that becoming a mom would be fair?  So here’s the deal. You can go to the movies, but you must wait at least 3-6 months after having a baby before even considering such a thing. When you do, make sure it’s a movie you really want to see, because once those allotted 120 minutes are up, you must go right back to your cage! Er, I mean your home. Do NOT ask your husband if it’s okay to attend more than one movie per quarter after that initial 3-6 month period, because the chances of him saying no are high, and you don’t want to start some kind of conflict or negatively impact your relationship. It’s not worth it! And just because you might have an obsession with a cultural phenomenon like ‘The Hunger Games’ doesn’t mean you can take in multiple showings of the film even if you’ve been waiting for it to come out for what feels like FOREVER. You can’t be all, “Well, technically I can see three showings of ‘The Hunger Games’ because I’m willing to forfeit the next several months of movie-going in exchange for one week of Hunger Games geek-out bliss!”, because guess what? As a mother you don’t get to make those rules. Society already made them for you. Your job is to dedicate your life to your baby, not some stupid franchise. Sarah knows what I’m talking about. She has an “appetite,” too — for being a MOM! Related: My Baby > Harry Potter (submitted by Anonymous)

MommyJacking: The Hunger Games Edition

As we learned yesterday, it is utterly absurd to think that once you become a mother, you can take a vacation away from your family. But here’s something else you might not realize: You can’t go to the movies, either. Well, you can but there are certain restrictions and rules that apply, and the price of breaking those rules is getting publicly chewed out by your mom friends. That’s just how the whole motherhood thing works! It might not be “fair,” but whoever said that becoming a mom would be fair? 

So here’s the deal. You can go to the movies, but you must wait at least 3-6 months after having a baby before even considering such a thing. When you do, make sure it’s a movie you really want to see, because once those allotted 120 minutes are up, you must go right back to your cage! Er, I mean your home. Do NOT ask your husband if it’s okay to attend more than one movie per quarter after that initial 3-6 month period, because the chances of him saying no are high, and you don’t want to start some kind of conflict or negatively impact your relationship. It’s not worth it!

And just because you might have an obsession with a cultural phenomenon like ‘The Hunger Games’ doesn’t mean you can take in multiple showings of the film even if you’ve been waiting for it to come out for what feels like FOREVER. You can’t be all, “Well, technically I can see three showings of ‘The Hunger Games’ because I’m willing to forfeit the next several months of movie-going in exchange for one week of Hunger Games geek-out bliss!”, because guess what? As a mother you don’t get to make those rules. Society already made them for you. Your job is to dedicate your life to your baby, not some stupid franchise. Sarah knows what I’m talking about. She has an “appetite,” too — for being a MOM!

Related: My Baby > Harry Potter

(submitted by Anonymous)

Posted on Friday, March 30, 2012 in MommyJacking

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