STFU, Parents

Deathjacking Is Killing Me

Fri, 24 May 2013 17:20:31 -0400

This week on Mommyish, I preached on a subject that makes me want to grab my best hanky and cry: DEATHJACKING. There’s tragedyjacking, and then there’s bare bones deathjacking, which all began years back with a depressingly memorable post called Charlie’s Angels. As it turns out, some people habitually insert themselves in comment threads about sympathy and loss because they have no idea what kind of assholes they sound like, and today’s post is dedicated to those assholes. So throw on a black shawl (fellas, I know you’re not above this), and pour yourself a tall glass of whiskey, because you’ll soon be mourning the loss of dignity displayed throughout this post.

1. Shut Up, Reba

What is it about a terrible tragedy that inspires folks like Reba to share celebratory news couched as an uplifting counterpoint? You know, people like Rebecca, or Michelle, or Amber? They should all form a deathjacking sorority.

2. Grandson KeAvion

What’s more troubling: A crazy grandma ranting about her grandson’s flu-like virus on a thread about a funeral, OR the Fact that She capitalizes Odd Words, including her Own Grandson’s Name, which we’re led to believe is KeAvion? Also, is T. working on a book called “My Grandson KeAvion”? I would love to read it if it’s anything like her comment. Could be a good movie, too. It’s been far too long since a grandparent came onto the entertainment scene with exciting tales like ‘The Time KeAvion Got a Common Virus’ or ‘The Time I Missed a Funeral and Made 100 Excuses About it on Facebook’. We all owe it to future generations to write our stories down for safe keeping. Otherwise, what will become of them?

3. Birthday Buddies

OMG what a coincidence. Amber’s dead fetus might’ve shared a birthday with little Kenny! They could have had shared birthday parties, been best friends, and maybe even one day been college roommates. It’s a damn shame that Amber miscarried. Truly saddening. No one understands that more than Nysa.

4. Mediocre Helper

‘Just think if’ is one of those expressions that can be applied to many things for no productive reason. For example, just think if S. could spell compassionate correctly. Just think if she could use her fucking brain before commenting on Facebook. Just think if she spent her time and energy focusing on building people up rather than tearing them down for their selfless decisions. Wouldn’t that be a revelation? Why cause M.’s head to hurt as much as her heart? R.I.P. little kitty. I am officially bummed out now.

To read more egregious deathjacker examples, check out my column over on Mommyish. It’s a real laugh riot!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Acknowledge My Baby, Part II

Mon, 20 May 2013 18:58:27 -0400

I get a kick out of petty parent hysterics, especially when the ire is directed at people who don’t “acknowledge” children. We’ve seen a few examples of this before, but I thought it would be fun to read several submissions in a row just to really drive home the point.

It’s not that I don’t sympathize with parents for feeling pissed off that someone didn’t smile or wave back at their child; it’s just that I wonder why the sentiment must be shared online. Like I said in my Mommyish column this week, “One of the most important lessons parents will teach their kids is knowing when to choose their battles, so it strikes me as funny that some people choose to make “waving” a battle.” Oh, the hardships some overly sensitive parents must endure! Thank goodness there are outlets for them to communicate their woes. Let’s check out some (more) examples of this extreme injustice in our society:

1. Mommy Peeves

I don’t know what’s worse — taking the time to issue a formal statement on Facebook about smile/wave protocol, or talking in the third person and calling yourself “mommy.” It’s one thing to say, “mommy needs a vacation,” (I guess), but “mommy has a new pet peeve,” sounds like the complaint of a person who protests when there’s too much salt on her margarita glass. You can’t please a woman who says in all seriousness that her toddler “took the time out of her day” to smile at someone, as if her child paused an extremely busy afternoon of drooling, pooping, crying, and falling down to do someone else a massive favor. I didn’t realize smiling was such an undertaking.

2. Innocent Kindness

Man, does it burn me up when cranky assholes don’t take the time to say “hi” to a child whose enthusiasm and joy are like a solar panel, brightening everyone’s day wherever she goes. What kind of douchebag doesn’t recognize innocent kindness when it’s staring them in the face? It is TRAGIC that children have to grow up realizing that the world is crammed with rude monsters who deserve to be smacked upside the head with a shovel. Stupid ignorant bastards and their bad attitudes! At least those children can look to their sweet parents for guidance during trying times.

3. Grump-Faced People

This is like the time a grumpy cafe worker was accused of pure and simple ageism for “glowering” at a toddler (translation: “staring into space while bored at a low-paying job”). Maybe the “grump-faced people” in the industrial-carpeted business pictured above are just going about their day and don’t necessarily want to have a chat with a baby, no matter how cute her mother thinks she is. Where are they, anyway? The bank? The DMV? A place that sells industrial carpet? None of those places sound fun to me. I can manage to be cheerful when running errands, but not 100% of the time, particularly when there’s a baby crawling underfoot.

4. Stupid Bitches

Hey, you dumb bitch waitress, thanks for doing your job and all, but because you refused to acknowledge a child’s meaningful air kisses, you can forget about paying your power bill. You don’t even know an opportunity when it flutters out of a little boy’s hand and lands on the tip of your nose. Why would someone reward that kind of ignorance with money? Here’s a different kind of tip: Tell children they’re adorable or starve. Hope you enjoyed serving people who had every intention of tipping you, but more importantly, hope you learned a valuable lesson in etiquette. Next time you’ll find a note and a cute little boy’s drawing of the $5 bill you missed out on. He’s creative like that. Blam

To read more about crushing children’s spirits (and their parents’ spirits, too), check out my column on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Final Birthday Week Post: WTF?

Wed, 15 May 2013 18:36:40 -0400

Last week was Birthday Week, which was *pretty* good, but in all honesty I had like 14 more posts I wanted to run and couldn’t due to time constraints. I will possibly run a few of those posts in the coming weeks/months, but until then, I wanted to formally close out the celebration with a final WTF post featuring three of my favorite random birthday submissions. Each example holds a special place in my heart, and now I’m sharing them here with you. Let us soak up the last rays of Birthday Week sunshine before entering the abyss once again. (Did I mention that I got a submission the other day that’s just a picture of a giant human turd sitting on a PLATE??). The party was fun while it lasted!

Hey Kimmi, way to be a total buzzkill. So what if Stacy wants to get loaded and attend Cj’s birthday party? SO. WHAT. Sometimes people just need to take the edge off a little! It’s not like Stacy is going to cause drama or anything; she’s just going to smoke a little weed, take a few shots, and maybe bump some ketamine in the car before heading in to the party. I mean, hello, it’s a SATURDAY. Don’t be so uptight! It’s not like she’s gifting Cj a bong covered in Elmo stickers or something. Now THAT would be inappropriate, at least until Cj is a teenager.

Ahh, Larry and Vanessa. They’re like the 2013 Facebook version of Jack and Diane from that John Mellencamp song if you just substitute “suckin’ on a chili dog” with “17 years ago, I fucked you.” Poetry, these two! I’m glad I got Vanessa’s permission and blessing to call out her husband for being That Guy who publicly talks about previous sexual exploits that resulted in a baby. Of course, if I’d overheard my own father making this joke when I was 17 I would have vomited on the floor, but hey, that’s family for you! And a lady never knows WHAT to expect from her husband.

This delightful tale is about a dog named Clover that Elisabeth ‘protected’ from an opossum not by bringing the dog inside but by beating the opossum to death with a baseball bat. You don’t want to mess with the mama bear, y’all! She’s so vicious, she’ll beat an animal to death *and* crack a water pipe in one swift motion. And yet she’s also so LOVING, she won’t forget to mention that her twin sons turn six months old the next day at the end of her tale. What a mom. :) They say a mom is a cleaner, a teacher, a maid, and a handyman, but did you know moms are also bat-wielding murderers who casually kill animals and mention half-birthdays in the same sentence? They really can do it all!

And yes, I did choose to post this submission to reiterate that half-birthdays are birthdays, too, people. More to come on that (and the “half-cake” trend) soon! But for now, au revoir, Birthday Week. You’ve been poop-free this year, and for that, I am most grateful.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Gold Star Moms Round-Up!

Tue, 14 May 2013 22:50:00 -0400

This year, as you may have noticed, I scaled back on Mother’s Day posts for a couple of reasons. One reason is that I never got anything even close to as crazy as this. Another reason is that I spend so much time talking trash about sanctimommies and mommyjackers and documoms (who are increasingly dominating my inbox, btw) that I almost feel like reserving Mother’s Day for primarily sincere sentiments. As much as I diss absurd parenting trends the rest of the year, I get a lot of funny submissions written by or about moms. I even get nice emails about the blog from my own mom sometimes, in-between suggestions about not using profanity. So to give props, I put together this round-up and another one on Mommyish. Here are some Gold Star moms whose comments and updates help make Facebook worth reading:

1. Dog Clothes = Baby Clothes

I like the way Katharine doesn’t even add a “Ha!” which would secretly mean, “Return it.” She’s just like, “Yeah, sure, drop it in the mailbox or join me for a happy hour cocktail and we’ll dress up my kid in your dog dress and watch her chase a Frisbie in the front yard.”

2. Momibalism

This is one of those casual thoughts that provides real insight into a person’s psyche. You don’t only discover that Lindsay equates eating placenta with a sadistic cannibal feeding a victim his own brains; you can also glean that even if Lindsay did eat her own placenta, she wouldn’t go bragging about it on Facebook with a picture of an empty glass bowl and a fork. That’s some ~~hippie~~ twisted serial killer shit.

3. Food Sharing

We have ourselves another Oprah Gold Star thread. Every single person in this thread has earned a virtual reward for being awesome. Screw those ravenous children who already snack all the livelong day. They can’t eat your treats if you don’t share them! These women are like the exact opposite of Candy Apple Mom, who wound up with no Gold Star and no candy apple. Sucks for her.

4. Cock Bock’s

I will never tire of mocking children’s spelling mishaps and confused expressions. Something tells me Swingy Dong and Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong could whip up some delicious Porny Gravy using Mommy’s Cock Bock’s. ZING.

5. Servitude

Is it just me or does “my very own slaves” sound like the adult version of “My Little Pony” or “Kid Sister”/”My Buddy” dolls? I guess I never thought of children like that before, but they’re basically just really expensive, yet human (so they can cook and clean), life-sized adult versions of my ratty old Kid Sister doll. Genius! This kid looks like he’s really going for it over the stove. Slaving away, as it were. Not that I think actual slavery is funny. It’s not. Unless it involves forcing your own children to do household chores in exchange for food and shelter. Then it’s fine! Heidi, I salute you. You teach those damn kids how to work for their dinner!

Don’t forget to check out my column about more Gold Star Moms over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Mother's Day "Gifts"

Mon, 13 May 2013 21:53:53 -0400

Every year, moms take “The Joys of Motherhood!” concept and apply it to Mother’s Day through a series of updates about bodily fluids. On an average day, a baby’s diaper explosion is just what babies ~~doo~~ do (“Oh, the joy!”), but on holidays like Mother’s Day, that shitty diaper becomes a “gift” and unfortunate momedy ensues.

Of course, a part of me understands the appeal of potty humor, but can’t we all agree that children’s asses and immune systems have no bearing on holidays or birthdays? Just because your kid took a dump in her pants and it happens to be Mother’s Day doesn’t mean she “made you a present.” That’s gross. Stop ruining perfectly good Mother’s Day lunches with “funny” updates about poop and barf. The jokes have all been made before, and they weren’t very funny the first time around.

1. Laundry

Well damn, Janet, way to call out and scold your toddler daughter on Facebook for shitting herself in the car. I’m sure she didn’t mean to poop all over her carseat so much as it just kind of happened. And considering it didn’t even happen on Mother’s Day, Casey’s accident truly has nothing to do with the holiday whatsoever. I think they call that “projecting.”

2. Extra Special Gifts

If you’re going to bring up your child’s diarrhea in a status update, consider using Meghan’s approach. It’s disgusting and unwarranted newsfeed nastiness, but at least she’s cheerful about it.

3. Woe Is Mom

The opener “Vomitting [sic] toddlers day 2” tells me that Fawn already posted about her vomiting toddlers on day 1, so I’m guessing her friends got a double dose of vomit updates this weekend, too. Lucky them! Thankfully for Fawn, both Julie and Sarah can relate. It’s always helpful when your friends understand what you’re going through, unless that understanding results in an even more disgusting example.

4. Being A Mom

Emily’s update is reasonable enough, minus the fact that ‘Hudson, Everett, and Sawyer’ sounds like a folk band (or maybe just a folksy legal firm) — but Jannell’s comment is what takes this over the edge. I can’t read it and not picture this. But aside from that, it’s important to remember that while Mother’s Day is a celebration of all things motherhood, certain details can be ignored online. Just because your kid’s poo smearing session coincided with Mother’s Day doesn’t mean it needs to be spelled out or remembered from year to year. There’s a reason Hallmark doesn’t sell cards that say “Happy Mother’s Day! Treasure the feces.”

(submitted by Anonymous)

Birthday Week: Accidents Happen

Fri, 10 May 2013 13:57:00 -0400

At some point or another, we forget things. The day of the week, an event date, whether we left the house with a bra on or not, etc. And 99% of the time, we catch ourselves from sounding really dumb and/or out of touch before accidentally exposing our momentary failures online. This comes in handy since there are certain things most of us might not want people to know, like thinking “supposably” is a valid word. Unfortunately, though, the moms in the following two submissions are in that other 1%. They didn’t check themselves before they wrecked themselves, and now their friends are aware of their ridiculous birthday blunders. Bless their hearts.

I wonder what it’s like to have your mom sing “Happy Birthday” to you when you wake up and adorn you with a shirt that says “I am 3,” only to have the title temporarily stripped due to human error. Sounds kinda sucky. But hey, at least Sasha is only turning three. He probably just saw a butterfly and forgot about it all within a matter of seconds. It’s when you get a little older that things tend to resonate more. After all, you can practically set a computer to program your whole life these days. In the Age Of Reminders, there’s no excuse for “Sixteen Candles-esque” scenarios or mistakes.

“To” early, is it, Kellie? Methinks the lady doth Facebook too much. It’s one thing to accidentally wish your child a happy birthday and cite the wrong age, but to then write “to” instead of “too”? No. That is where I and many others before me draw the line. You have to take a stand for something in this life, and I’m taking one on “to” and “too.” I feel we may have lost the “your/you’re” fight, and “they’re/their/there” was a pipe dream, but “to/too” still has a chance to be understood by all. I hope after Kellie adds another candle to Bryceten’s (?!) birthday cake, she takes a few minutes out to read his English textbook. Kids tend to learn these grammar lessons right around his age group. His real age group, that is. ZING. Better luck next year!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Birthday Week 2013: Misty Fluid-Covered Memories...Part II

Thu, 09 May 2013 01:47:00 -0400

Last year I posted a round-up of updates about childbirth ”memories,” and today I’m proudly rolling out the sequel. These parents would much rather reflect on the “birth” part of a child’s birthday than reminisce about first smiles or first steps like most people do. Actually, most people just say something like, “Happy birthday to my [son/daughter] who’s turning [age here]! They grow up so fast!” But nooooo, not these parents. They want to share a little more detail than that!

I mean, duh, your child is turning six, whoop-dee-freakin’-doo. What everyone really wants to know is, when did the water break, was the birth vaginal, and did you make a placenta-truffle casserole or just eat it raw??? Here are seven parents who heard their friends’ silent cries for more, and boy, did they deliver. (Pun intended. Sorry.)

1. Sanctimommy BIRTH Day

Whoaaa Jeannine’s getting SASSY with the name drama! I can practically hear her emphasizing each syllable in that first line. She may as well have said, “I’m pretty sure his birth certificate says LOGAN, Tiff. You stupid nickname-doling bitch.” Also, what does “I did everything I could to try to pick a name people couldn’t put a nickname on” mean? Did Jeannine hold focus groups to test her favorite names? Did she write down every single nickname possibility for every single preferred name and use process of elimination? It must be tough having done all that research and still wound up with Logie. Do her friends not recognize that she fucking HATES the nickname Logie and will publicly berate them until they stop using it? Giving Logan’s Day a shout out on Jeannine’s wall is a given, so the least Tiffany could’ve done is used some goddamn common sense when addressing him by name.

And speaking of hard work, way to be humble in your birthday update, Jeannine. You go girl. I’m sure as the years go by, you will continue to be amazed by your amazing homebirth in status updates on Facebook.

2. Kayds

Yay, Kayds! (short for the ever-popular Kadence?!?) And yay, Natasha, for working in a mention of your water breaking for what may be five years in a row on Facebook. ♥ Not that the day your water broke should be forgotten, but it can easily pass without being mentioned five years after it happened.

3. Love Is a Battlefield

I don’t know who this woman is, but I want to be her friend. I want her to write long updates like this about our Thelma & Louise-style adventures and describe them as “a hell of a time.” I want her to call me “chunky butt” and “boobaby” and convince me to change my name to something like Kahrtridge. Is that too much to ask??

4. Placenta Smoothie < Birthday Cake

Aww, who could forget the day Red sucked down a temporary organ in smoothie form? Who could forget the taste of heaven? I’ll tell you: No one! Two things I know in life: 1. You don’t know love until you have a baby, and 2. You don’t know FLAVOR until you gulp down a viscous, bloody beverage made of liquified human meat.

5. Pushing & Squeezing

How sweet is this message? I only wish I could see the previous messages written on Pink’s other birthdays. :( I guess now I see why people use social media as a digital scrapbook. When Pink is older, she’ll be able to look back on her mother’s messages with a love and respect that she hadn’t previously understood. And yes, I’m talking about her mother’s vagina.

Here’s the thing: If her vagina has fully recovered, why is she still talking about it online????

6. Va Jay Jay

First we read about people hopping on Jannielle’s va jay jay, and now we’re reading about 6-year-old Lucien popping out of Carolyn’s va jay jay. I’m starting to feel like I’m reading Vagina Dr. Seuss. Why am I calling this Birthday Week when it’s so obviously Va Jay Jay Week? And why am *I* the first person to come up with Va Jay Jay Week? Women several generations before me should’ve thought of this. We should be celebrating the 100th Anniversary of Va Jay Jay Week, not commemorating va jay jays as if they only now started to matter! BTW if you offended by Va Jay Jay Week… UP YOUR ASS!

7. VaGiNa Tears

Did anyone else picture this when reading “…came weeping out of my VaGiNa”? Just checking. I’m also kind of picturing a vagina weeping on the steps of the Capitol like the mopey bill in the Schoolhouse Rock song, even though I realize that Jaclyn is referring to her baby (who is now eight years old). Yay for vaginas, indeed. Viva Va Jay Jay Week!

Related: Delivery Reenactment

(submitted by Anonymous)

Birthday Week: Mama Drama Edition

Tue, 07 May 2013 16:13:01 -0400

There are two types of people in this world: those who thrive on drama, and those who enjoy watching drama play out like the plane crash scene in “Con Air.” You can say you don’t like drama, but what you mean is, “I don’t like being involved in drama. I don’t want to get arrested.” It doesn’t mean you don’t get a thrill out of watching other people lose their minds over something like flavored water or getting a call from a crackhead in Detroit. That’s just human nature!

And does it come as any surprise that today’s example of crazy drama is about a woman who calls herself “Makais’Mommie” as part of her Facebook username? What’s up with vanity names, anyway? Why do 94% of people use just their first and last names in their Facebook username, while the other 6% list theirs as “Mikey ~Ca$$$h m0nEyy~” or “Shawna ♥♥LovesBeingBraedynsMommy♥♥”? Is it just an ode to MySpace?

Let’s check out what Kristina “Makais’Mommie” had to say about her son’s first birthday party and collectively wonder why she had a public Facebook Breakdown (because we may never really know what transpired):

1. The Announcement

I don’t know when this screenshot was taken in relation to when it was posted, but zero ‘Likes’ is a bad sign. I do know that Kristina started posting a minimum of 53 days before the party:

At least watching Scared Straight got some ‘Likes.’

2. RSVP Info

RULES: Don’t say you’re coming if you’re not sure, but also don’t NOT saying you’re coming and then still show up because that will send Kristina Makais’Mommie into a spiral of crazy so PLEASE PEOPLE just RSVP or this is only going to GET SO MUCH WORSE and you will REGRET it.

3. Notifications

I ~~love~~ hate to point out the obvious, but Kai is turning ONE year old so no, the lack of attendance will not phase him, but it’s because his brain is still developing and he hardly knows how to walk. The only person who cares about this party is Kristina, and her foundation is cracking.

4. Still Pre-RSVP Deadline

THIS PARTY IS A COSTUME PARTY AND FOOD IS EXTREMELY CRUCIAL. BUT ALSO YOU CAN BRING FOOD, NBD BUT YOU CAN. YELLING GETS KRISTINA MAKAIS’MOMMIE’S POINTS ACROSS OR AT LEAST THAT’S THE IDEA SINCE NO ONE SEEMS INTERESTED IN RSVP’ING TO SHARE IN THE DELIGHT OF A LITTLE BOY’S BIRTHDAY. FOR THOSE OF YOU STILL READING DON’T FORGET TO DRESS UP OR PURCHASE A GIFT FROM THE INFANT’S REGISTRY. =)=)

5. No Ass-Bending

Even though we don’t know all of the details that led to this rant, it’s safe to assume that Kristina Makais’Mommie is PISSED that her son’s relatives won’t travel out of their way in Bugs Bunny costumes with professionally-wrapped gifts from Kai’s registry and MAYBE some snacks and potato salad, for ONE FREAKING DAY for her son. Not ONE.DAY.FOR.MAKAI. That’s a steaming pile of horse shit considering every single person has known about the party for MONTHS IN ADVANCE since Kristina’s been talking about it for MONTHS AND MONTHS. I guess now she knows who to avoid at the next reunion. And hey, three people ‘Liked’ this update. Progress!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Birthday Week: Party Hat Meltdown

Mon, 06 May 2013 18:25:47 -0400

As you guys know, this week is birthday-themed, and that means I’m posting about ANY AND ALL things birthday-related. For instance, did you know that it’s possible to freak out over something as minor as a party hat? I mean, sure, if the party was for a wizard or something I could understand the hat being the pièce de résistance, but what about for a one-year-old?

Does anyone remember the freakout from a couple years back involving baby Saylor’s toile bedding fabric, and how that shit got fucking ruined? Well, I know it’s probably hard for people who never deal with real catastrophes to understand, but when things like that get messed up, the aftereffects crawl into your psyche and burn a hole in your brain for days, if not YEARS, because of all the preparation that went into that simple, beautiful, but now fucked up, dream. Think about it: Does anything on this earth matter as much as a parent’s dream for her child? Especially if that dream is to procure an amazing ladybug hat to top off a special event? Try putting yourself in a mother’s shoes before you’re quick to judge. It’s all about priorities, you know?

1. Claws

Something we should clear up is that bears — mama bears or otherwise — have non-retractable claws, so the claws don’t “come out,” because they’re ALWAYS out. I really wish they taught this in Mama Bear 101, but since they apparently don’t, I wanted to mention it.

Speaking of classes, people who play the “my husband is an attorney and will sue the shit out of you” card should read up on alternative methods of conflict resolution. That card is about as effective as the fake credit cards you receive in the mail. I know “my spouse will sue you” is typically uttered in jest, but jest and cliches make an awfully boring pair. We’re not even talking about someone who didn’t smile at a baby, which is a crime that can be aggressively prosecuted, but rather an undelivered HAT.

2. Mild Irritations

Haha! “Legal” letters, lol. Granted, Pink isn’t totally losing her mind over the hat, but she DOES take issue with the fact that it’s not yet arrived. I mean, when you pay for a service, you should get what you pay for, right? When I tell my dry cleaning guy, “I need these shirts cleaned by tonight,” I expect the shirts to be ready! When I tell a bartender, “I want you to make me a strong margarita,” don’t hand me a weak drink! A customer — nay, a lady — deserves to be treated with respect.

3. All Smiles

When in doubt, DIY. And that’s just what this can-do mom did! Her daughter’s colors are red and black, and none of that pink and white shit was going to work, so she got crafty! Everybody knows mothers are preeetttyyyyy much the craftiest of all crafters anyway, because, duh! They made a baby!

4. Feeling Much Better

A new business venture? This saga keeps turning out for the best! Unless of course Yellow is doing that thing that SO MANY WOMEN DO where they leave comments like, “OMG that scarf is beautiful! You should start an Etsy shop!” or, “OMG that vomit story you told is hilarious. You have GOT to write a book!” Because something tells me whatever talent Pink exuded in her hat-making skills is something you can “pick up” pretty quickly after reading Martha Stewart’s Kids’ Accessories page. Technically that would mean the hat-making was based more on following basic steps than on sheer talent, but that doesn’t mean I’m questioning Pink’s devotion to making the perfect ladybug hat. I would never doubt her commitment to sparkle motion.

5. Luck

AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND LOUD HAND CLAPPING WILL NOW ENSUE!

Let’s remember that this “hat journey” began on May 31st, continued into June 1st, and it’s STILL June 1st in this status update. Whew! Talk about a roller coaster of a day, you guys. This poor mother has been put through the wringer over something as silly — and yet as crucial — as a hat. Never forget the Ladybug Party Hat Meltdown of 2012. These 36 hours will go down in Hat History, y’all. You can trust me on that.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Birthday Week '13: Birthday Parties

Mon, 06 May 2013 00:59:00 -0400

One of the most important aspects of any birthday — but especially a child’s birthday — is the party. No matter how old a kid is turning, a party is an opportunity for parents (and everyone they know) to shower the kid with ~~love and affection~~ gifts for being born.

Of course, there are rules that accompany such events. As we’ve learned in the past, it’s important to keep the drama at home, cus if anyone fucks up a little kid’s birthday his or her parent(s) will happily kick your ass. It’s also important to buy exactly what is requested for a child, whether for a birthday or another holiday, because otherwise you could wind up with two Pillow Pets or DVD duplicates or some other horrendous gift situation. As a party guest, you’ll want to err on the side of caution while spending as much money as humanly possible. Whatever pleases the parents will likely please the child, because then the parent(s) won’t have a huge tantrum in front of dozens of friends and relatives. Honestly, birthday parties are fun and all, but they’re A LOT of work for the thousands of parents who insist on making them a bigger deal than is necessary. You guys have no idea how stressful it can be obsessing over tiny details that no one but you cares about or will remember. It’s HARD.

So with that rundown in mind, let’s check out some examples of how parents have chosen to publicize their child’s birthday on social media. Everyone get your kazoos ready, because these parties are going to totally ROCK!

1. Aubreypalooza

Are you guys ready for the most cacophonous music festival this side of Coachella? Break out your psychedelic glasses, Birkenstocks, and Dora the Explorer-stickered drum kits, because Aubreypalooza’s about to take a local ~~ampitheatre~~ amphitheater by storm! You thought seeing The Wiggles live in concert was fun? Try watching a bunch of adults sustain two hours of alcohol-free Aubreypalooza! Bring your didgeridoos and a box of goldfish crackers for an afternoon of smiles, songs, and cash hand-offs. The smiles and songs are free; the cash comes from your bank account. (PS: Don’t forget to RSVP! Strollers are welcome.)

2. Advantages

Okay, duderinos and dudettes! Who’s coming to Mason’s second birthday party in 8 months??? Who’s taking The Mason Challenge? All you have to do is commit to attending an event for a toddler eight months in advance and send along your FULL address (no halfsies!). Anything less than 100% dedication will not be approved for this bash.

Not to get anyone too excited or anything, but rumor has it there will be both cake and ice cream AND at least 13 shrieking children drooling everywhere AND blue and orange streamers for decoration. So whatever you were planning to do eight months from now — cancel it. And if you think you’re going to have to work that day, request off! Now is your chance!

3. People are annoying.

At first when I read Jolynn’s update I was like, “Girl, don’t be telling people what to buy for your kid’s birthday!”, but then I read Amanda’s comment, and now I’m just sickened by all of society. Can’t we go back to the olden days, when a child’s obsession with New Kids On the Block didn’t result in being TOLD what to buy her for her birthday, and when people like Amanda didn’t broadcast their worship schedules with cheerful exclamation points that make me want to break several Commandments? Oh, the humanity.

4. DUMMIES

HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, HOW MANY TIMES DOES JANNIELLE HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT UR THOUGHTS R GARBAGE? U DON’T GET 2 HAVE A SAY IN WTF SHE WANTS FOR HER SON ON HIS BDAY, SO IF U DON’T MIND, PLEASE DO JANNIELLE THE GREAT SERVICE OF HOPPING OFF HER VA JAY JAY!!! SCOOT RIGHT ALONG COS SHE HAS A PARTY TO PLAN…DUMMIES

5. Mama Bear In Your Face

Anne doesn’t formally win a Gold Star here, but her “try to get a nap ok?” comment may be the best comment in all of Facebook history. She’s like a therapist talking down a suicidal patient. Tenderly, but firmly, she tries to get across the very simple point that Amy is acting like a psychotic asshole who needs to relax. Well done, Anne.

As for Amy, she’s probably right about two things: 1. Drama doesn’t belong at a child’s birthday party, and 2. No one wants Amy’s mama bear claws scratching up their face. I’m guessing she’s more terrifying than a pageant mom when it comes to “defending” her daughter against “drama,” and she’s just a few candy bars away from letting that angry energy take over in full force. You thought TNT knows drama? Try Amy after overhearing one of her party guests talking shit. If you’ve never seen a grown woman’s clothes get shred by a mama bear’s teeth in under five seconds, well, you’re in for a show.

6. Golden Birthday Celebrationsssss

The funny thing about golden birthdays is that so many of us have our golden birthday at a young age. I didn’t have mine until I turned 30, but as statistics would have it, thousands and thousands of people experience theirs as early as age 1. This fun fact lends itself well to the above doublejacking of Lily’s Birthday Celebration, which I can only hope devolved into a series of comments like, “And Xyann’s golden birthday on the 8th of March 2015!” and, “Don’t forget about Eighden’s double golden birthday on the 6th! He was born on the 3rd but he’s turning 6! 3 x 2 is 6! Double golden birthday!!”

7. No Worries At All

Usually, if someone buys a gift “with interest,” it means “with an interest in purchasing a gift that someone will enjoy.” But in this case it means “with a penalty.” Ha ha ha, Jessie’s so funny. :)

In case anyone was wondering, baby Jemma turned one year old, and I’m guesstimating .001% of Jessi’s friends who couldn’t make the party bought double the gifts. That’s a generous guesstimate, though, considering 0% of people really cared. I’m sure Jessi knew that when she wrote her sarcastic update, but these days, does anyone really “joke” about their baby’s birthday party on Facebook?

(submitted by Anonymous)

Birthday Week '13: May The Fourth Be With You Edition

Sat, 04 May 2013 18:28:31 -0400

Not good enough, Joseph. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Brandon’s friends should know there’s not enough room on Facebook for both Lia’s birthday and the Star Wars franchise to get celebrated on the same day. Today is May 4th, the day little Lia was born, and everyone had better put down their light sabers, take off their childish Darth Vader masks, and take a few moments out to pay tribute to the TRUE princess of the day: Princess Lia. Not Leia. LIA.

May LIA’S BIRTHDAY Be With You All!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Birthday Week 2013: BirthdayJacking Edition

Fri, 03 May 2013 22:37:32 -0400

This week on Mommyish, I paid tribute to Birthday Week with a column about birthdayjacking. Last year, I had so many birthdayjacking submissions that I had to split them into two posts, and this year proved no different. Parents can’t help themselves on Facebook when their child’s birthday is involved. Nothing beats the feeling of announcing your baby’s birthday to the world. NOTHING. Not even scaling K2, racing on the Nürburgring, and parasailing in the Caribbean combined. Telling the internet “It’s my baby’s birthday today!!!” has become as compulsory as it has ubiquitous. After all, if your child has a birthday and you don’t announce it on Facebook, did it ever really get celebrated?

It’s this attitude that inspires birthdayjacking, which is something parents do when they’re either extremely excited about their child’s birthday or extremely disappointed that no one “liked” the ‘birthday letter’ they wrote on their own wall (addressed to a toddler). Let’s check out some new examples:

1. Almost-Birthday Buddies

Based on Carol’s logic, I’m to assume that another one of her friends will receive a message on Tuesday morning that says, “Zoe turned 4 yesterday, born 8 hours too early to share your birthday!!” Carol is a high-functioning birthdayjacker who spreads her skillz across multiple days and status updates in honor of little Zoe.

2. The More You Know

When Ellyn wrote, “(good to know about JS Bach),” she meant, “(I’ll be sure to mention that whenever I tell people it’s my son’s birthday, considering it sounds way more cultured than ‘Jessica Szohr’.)” Johann Sebastian Bach FTW. Thanks for chiming in, Ellyn.

3. Coincidences

Nicolette and Tim used to date, and Tim has no idea why Nicolette would write something so weird on his wall, given that they used to go out and have sex. I don’t know either, but I think his comment is funny.

4. WTF?

Melody reminds me of Melaina, just talking and talking like some batty old granny who mutters to herself in a rocking chair on a front porch. “Summer-Sunshine what a sweet girl she loves her bike loves strawberries takes a bath every day knows her numbers and wants to be in the pictures someday!”

5. Can’t Believe It Either

I can’t believe that both of these people are being serious, but I’m pretty sure they are. Otherwise, D., I owe you a Gold Star. But assuming they’re both serious, this is the future of birthdayjacking, where parents one-up each other based on their kids’ ages. An average status update in the future like, “Can’t believe my son turned 11 hours old! Feels like just an hour ago he was born!!”, will be met with, “Can’t believe my daughter turns 65 in four months and is applying for Medicare.” Yep, the future looks bright and heavily-documented, indeed.

To read several more birthdayjacking examples, including one of the most annoying examples EVER, head over to Mommyish to read my column!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Tease & Reveal: 2nd Annual Birthday Week Edition

Thu, 02 May 2013 17:50:00 -0400

As mentioned a couple of days ago, we’re entering Birthday Week, which is a whole week dedicated to the ridiculous birthday-related submissions I receive throughout the year. Last year’s inaugural celebration coincided with my 30th birthday, but this year, since I turned 31 and am getting decrepit, I’m starting the party a little late. Kinda setting a precedent for my reaction toward birthdays from here on out. BUT, that doesn’t diminish from my enthusiasm toward Birthday Week on the blog. I am excited — very excited — to share this year’s many gifts. First up, the official 2nd Annual Birthday Week cake!

This cake is delicious, which you can probably tell just by looking at it, but there’s a special reason that it’s so tasty:

OK, OK — maybe Desiree should’ve used fresh breast milk rather than frozen milk, but hey, the boobie milk birthday cake was still absolutely delicious! Well, the icing anyway. And all that matters is that little Lily loved it as much as Desiree enjoyed baking and gloating about it. Yummy!

Stay tuned for a whole week’s worth of birthday-themed merriment. The party bus has left the station, so be sure to strap yourself in for an ~~unforgettable~~ amusing ride!

Also related: Placenta Cake, Selfish Bitch Cake, and Very Clever Jam Cake

Links Round-Up + Birthday Week!

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 11:55:01 -0400

Hello, there! Man, has it been depressing around here lately, amirite? The crying kids post, and then the Boston post, and then all the days on either side of those posts (minus the radio interview about period parties)? Yikes. Let’s try to put that time behind us and forge ahead into a new ~~frontier~~ week. But before I get into what the rest of this week will entail (BIRTHDAY WEEK!), here are a bunch of links I’ve acquired in the last fortnight. STFU, Parents is all about education and nurturing PlayPens of Little Genius’s. Cheers to being gifted, ya’ll.

First up: Breast milk jewelry is all the rage. But would you want your own mother-in-law to wear it? (My answer here.) [Daily Mail]
A junior high school in Petaluma, CA has banned girls from wearing “pants that were ‘too tight’ because it distracts the boys.” Hmm, really? Why don’t they just gouge out the boys’ eyes to blind them? Ever think of that? [KTVU]
Lotus births had a glistening moment in the media, kicked off by a horrifying article in the Post. [New York Post]
Speaking of trends, do you practice EC’ing? That’s “elimination communication” for all of you FOOLS who aren’t in the know. Read all about it (and check out the “EC lite” submission in the book!). [DNA Info / New York Times / Bonus old article from SF Gate that features the passage, “Relatives were holding and watching Paise and they weren’t accustomed to his cues. And then he got diarrhea.”]
Don’t poop outside at restaurants or someone on Poop Patrol is going to berate you for it on the internet. Usually me. [Gothamist]
“Back in the day? They asked 100 people this question last week!” I know burying the placenta has many cultural origins, but this Family Feud clip is funny. PS: Steve Harvey has so much to learn. :( [YouTube]
This kid really wanted Chinese food for breakfast. He didn’t mean to take a detour. [Daily Mail]
In one of the most depressing — but necessary — articles I’ve read this year, you’ll learn The Hell of American Day Care. [New Republic]
Also depressing, but predictable, is a study that shows that social networks play a significant role in parents’ decision to vaccinate. [Salon]
“A Townsville mother who photographed her son with a python’s head in his mouth and uploaded it to the internet has been fined for unlawfully possessing the reptile.” Sounds reasonable. [News AU]
There are some AMAZING doozies in this Awkward Pregnancy Photos round-up. The scissors? The sheepskin vest? So many quality ideas. [World Wide Interweb]
Jen Kirkman is a professional comedienne and now a professional non-parent. She writes about being childfree for TIME in support of her new book, which is wonderfully titled ‘I Can Barely Take Care of Myself.’ [TIME]
“It was a rope,” he described Monday. “It wasn’t twine. It wasn’t fishing line. It was a rope.” Rope Dad goes down in history. [Wood TV]
On March 29th, twins Biggles and Posie, “a brother and sister for Tuppence,” were born. [The Times UK]
Enjoy a round-up of nightmarish baby cakes (including one pulled from this tasty post), as well as some creepy baby shower cupcakes. Mmmm. Babies. [BuzzFeed and Happy Place]
Parents around the world describe their children. [Quartz]
“Bella draws a line between her media personality and who she really is.” Yeah, of course she does. ‘The Pampered Life of a “Toddlers & Tiaras” Star’ [Yahoo! Shine]
Another depressing, but honest, article that maybe shouldn’t have been written, but also serves a helpful purpose. I think? [Guardian]
BuzzFeed teaches you ‘How To Survive Your Friends’ Impending Babyapocalypse’, referencing (what else?!) a STFUP classic. [BuzzFeed]
Food allergies and kids create quite a stir, as did this article about kids’ snacks on playgrounds. The 3000+ comments are insane. [Slate]
Finally, this kid got a mouthful of mail and it’s just funny. Watch it twice! [Gawker]

Whew! Holy shit, that was a lot of links. But there are some good ones in there, trust. A few additional links that discuss the “STFU, Parents” book include:

The Globe and Mail in Canada labeled me a “whistle blower,” which meant I got to cross “Get called a whistle-blower in a national newspaper” off my Bucket List. [Globe and Mail]
The Huffington Post recommends that you pick up the book, among many other excellent options, as a Mother’s Day gift. Remember, everyone: The “STFU, Parents” book is the gift that keeps on giving. [HuffPost]
Listen to my interview with Paul Harris on the radio show America Weekend. Paul was unfamiliar with placenta smoothies and probably wished he hadn’t asked me on his show. [Paul Harris]
Last but not least, Slate reviewed the book, which was very exciting, and then The Sydney Morning Herald picked it up, and then it wound up being the cover story of the Tampa Bay Times Weekend edition. Who else wants to buy this guy a beer?? [Slate / SMH / TBT below]

And now for the final news: Today is my birthday, and you know what that means: BIRTHDAY WEEK RETURNS. Remember Elijah’s Birthday? And all the Misty Fluid-Covered Memories? Well, we’re gonna do that again. Birthdayjackings, countdowns, and even a Birthday Hat Meltdown are all lined up to help celebrate the ridiculousness that is children’s birthdays on Facebook. I hope you’ll stop by for doses of hilarity and mild disgust (though, thankfully not too much disgust). It’ll be a real party!

Talkin' Shop With Mike & Judy!

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:31:16 -0400

A couple of weeks ago, I crashed my favorite podcast again at Heritage Radio Network behind Roberta’s in Bushwick. Like the last time I appeared on The Mike & Judy Show, I dragged my boyfriend Brian with me to chime in whenever the spirit called him, which was probably not a very smart idea. And like the other shows we’ve recorded, the discussion was all over the place. Listen in for a chat about waterballs, placenta jerky, a woman discovering her mucus plug status update on the blog, and some extremely questionable jokes that I will casually distance myself from in an effort to seem like a respectable young lady. You can also catch Brian calling me a whore at one point, because that’s just the kind of loving relationship we have. What can I say? Radio brings out the best in us.

Thanks very much to the always-funny Judy McGuire and Mike Edison for having me back, and I hope you guys will enjoy listening to the show!

PS: Listen to my first show appearance right here, and my second appearance here.

Current Events: How (Not) To Talk About The Boston Bombings

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 13:56:00 -0400

Last week, like most people, I was glued to my laptop and TV as reports came in about what had happened in Boston. And, like most people, I watched as news organizations clamored to report information, even if it was false information, and noticed how quickly some people jumped at the chance to put their voices “out there” in response to the tragedy.

Back in the day, newspapers and news anchors were the only voices you heard when something awful happened, but now, as we’ve seen here on the blog, including after Sandy Hook which was pretty much the worst thing ever, everyone has a chance to make their thoughts and feelings known to the public via social media. Usually I’m all for people ‘having a voice’, and I think social media provides an excellent outlet for news to be distributed and for people to come together in times of sorrow. But the question I have is, WHY do people always have to make this shit about them?

Whenever there’s a mass attack in the U.S., I receive an onslaught of submissions about people who “use” the event as a way to seem sympathetic, or to appear like they want to be part of the larger conversation, when really all they want to do is talk about themselves or their kids. After going through dozens of submissions, I’ve narrowed down the most egregious examples in this mega round-up as a plea to parents (and to everyone, really) to stop talking during crises. If you want to say you’re upset, or concerned or angry, go for it. But don’t do it in the same breath that you talk about your kid’s soccer game. It’s a bad look. Trust me. I wrote about this subject in my column on Mommyish, and now here are several more examples of how NOT to talk about the Boston bombings (or any awful incident) on social media:

1. Lighter Notes

Aw, shucks, Fawn. Ain’t life grand? I mean except when it’s not, when you have to worry about the state of the world and whatnot, but other than that? When you can just sit back and enjoy being a baseball mom, making cookies with Ms. Pat and talking about how to get out grass stains? That is the best. LOVE it.

2. Thoughts and Prayers

WOO HOO Olivia! 5 big girl steps! How amazing is it that on the exact same day that several people had to get their limbs amputated, Olivia took her first official steps! This blogger is perplexed by Leslie’s unintentional ignorance. :)

3. Heartbreaking Happenings

Now THIS is just precious. Even with the city of Boston reeling in the hours after the bombs went off, Aiden found a way to make his mom Lauren smile. He’s a little charmer, that one. It’s important to remember that even as some people are experiencing the worst day of their lives, others are having a really good day. Thank you, Lauren, for sharing, and for reminding everyone to find a bit of joy in the sweetest little boy in the world. ♥

4. Surreal and Sad < Happiest Moments Ever

We all know what happens next in this story! Dana’s gonna take that apple on down to Tattoo Mike’s, lift up her shirt, and say, “Mike, in honor of the victims of the Boston bombings and in honor of my little Amelia, I want you to etch this apple on my side. Motherhood is the best thing ever, and I never want to forget how such a simple thing brought me so much happiness during such a surreal and sad week.” After that, we’ll have The Apple That Turned Into a Tattoo Part II.

5. Finding the Bad Guy

Ohhh, this mommy means business! She knows that America (Fuck Yeah!) should totes send in a pack of rabid mama bears to resolve any terrorist crimes AND prepare some delicious home-cooked meals for the first responders after drawing them some nice warm baths. Just fly those mamas up to Boston, give them a few bottles of chardonnay and a portable GPS unit, and watch them get to work! Moms are the real heroes in this country (if not the world), and everyone knows that. Team Missing Sock FTW.

6. Birthday Guests

Hey, Darren, you’re a dick. You know who wants to come to Callum’s first birthday? No one. You know who secretly thinks Callum’s name is stupid? Everyone.

7. BombingsJacking

Lolololol K. is so funny. Of course Madison would want to name the baby Edwin lol. Such a funny name, for a baby or a barista! Haha. So funny that C. would bring up a person named Edwin considering that random coincidence.

8. Some Good News

YAY DEAD GERBIL ALERT!! Break out the vino, ‘cause even though it’s sad to toast when so many are effected by the Boston attack, there’s reason to celebrate, too! Yes, let the joyous news be spread, because Skyler’s gerbil at last is dead! No more cleaning out a stinky cage or caring for a live rodent anymore because that mofo scampered past the gates of pet heaven! FINALLY. Just a little good news to lift everyone’s spirits. :)

9. #BombardedWithBrownies

Okay. This example is straight-up offensive. Either the person who runs this baby company is a total fucking moron, OR she was trying to correlate the Boston bombings with her latest blog post to increase SEO/traffic/something. The day of the bombings, the Company admin posted this on the Facebook page:

Decent response, right? #anothersadday is stupid, but hey, we can’t all be Maya Angelou when discussing the state of the world. It would have been fine, just fine, except then she posted this the very next day:

It appears this post has since been deleted from the company’s page, but um, WTF? Pressure Cooker Spaghetti Sauce because the day before everyone was bombarded with brownies? Smooth move. What’s next? An explosively delicious dessert called The Grenade? Mmm, I hear that’s SO good with blood-orange gelee.

10. A Lighter Note

DAMN, Kristi put a hurtin’ on Ralph for being an idiot. What possesses people to say that their thoughts are in Boston a mere ellipses before circling back to themselves in a single status update? If Ralph had just posted the first part of his update minus the lame-ass hashtag (seriously people, #enoughwiththehashtags), this submission wouldn’t have made it to the blog. But now he just #lookslikeanasshole because one of his Facebook friends has a relative whose job it is to save lives…in Boston.

Question: Would you rather be at home with a wailing, healthy baby who won’t let you sleep, OR in a hospital tending to injured victims who were pummeled with bomb shrapnel? “On a lighter note,” indeed.

11. Diaper Explosions

Well, guys, you knew this was coming. Pressure cookers and diarrhea go hand-in-hand in Myranda’s world, and no, she will not avoid making that joke publicly just because it’s insensitive. I mean, did you SEE how much poop exploded out of that baby’s butt??

To read more ridiculous examples of how NOT to talk about the Boston bombings (or any tragedy/disaster/terrorist attack), head over to Mommyish to read my column!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Questionable Parenting: Crying It Out On Facebook

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 21:50:00 -0400

This week on Mommyish, I wrote about when it’s not cool to post pictures of your crying kids online. After the internet warmly embraced Reasons My Son Is Crying last week, I started going through my “Crying Kids” folder to compare those submissions with the concept of the blog. What is it about Reasons My Son Is Crying that seems so funny and relatable, while other pictures of crying kids on Facebook seem so cruel and depressing? The dad who started the blog said that the concept originated on Facebook, and I was trying to imagine if I would feel differently about the pictures if they weren’t compiled on a funny blog.

I’ve received a fair number of awkward crying submissions, and most of the time the submitter says something like, “This seems mean,” or, “I’m sooo glad my parents didn’t do this to me.” Because crying is a vulnerable state for adults, but a natural state for kids, there’s a weird disparity between funny crying pictures and shitty crying pictures. Is the person crying for a stupid reason, or a real reason? Did he lose his sock in the dryer, or did his dog just get hit by a car? These things matter, people.

Here are a few examples of pictures parents shouldn’t post on Facebook (especially now that Reasons My Son Is Crying is a hit; don’t be that asshole who rides coattails by posting sad pictures of your children sobbing, THANKS!!).

1. Trapped ~~In the Closet~~ Underneath the Couch

Whew! I’m glad Dawn managed to locate her son underneath her couch, but um, couldn’t she have gotten him out from under there before grabbing her phone to take a quick picture? This kid doesn’t seem like he’s in the mood to get his photo taken:

I mean, if it were ME, I’d rather my mom just drag me out from under there than capture the moment and post about it online, but who knows what Trevor is thinking? I don’t want to jump to conclusions. Maybe he’s thrilled about it?

2. Mean Mama

Ha ha ha, “mean mama.” What a goof. Just look at the expression on that adorable wittle baby’s face. One day, Mr. Crybaby is going to grow up and appreciate this hysterical picture. Assuming he didn’t topple out of the refrigerator and get a concussion or something. :) Fortunately, it appears as though he had a pretty firm grip on the refrigerator shelf. :P

The next time mean mama’s bored she can just shove him in the freezer to see how he likes it in there! Ha ha, whatever gets people’s attention on Instagram. ;D Not everyone has time to doll up their child in a string bean costume and prop him on the vegetable rack at the grocery store, okay? Some people have to make do with what they have. =^)

3. Teaching Lessons

Awww, how sweet is this? A horrible crazyperson named Traci decided to shave her daughter’s head as punishment and then posted a picture of her crying for the whole world to see. Now THAT’S what I call hands-on parenting. You guys can’t see it, but Traci’s daughter’s eyes are totally filled with tears and regret in this picture, fully expressing with one look what an excellent disciplinarian Traci is and what an utter moron she feels like for trimming her own bangs. Now she has to walk around looking like a cancer patient or one of those shivering hairless dogs! Serves her little punk ass right for not following Mother’s Orders!

Great job, Traci. You not only cut off all of your child’s hair against her wishes, but you also showed off your photography skills by taking such an emotional picture. Talk about “Mom of the Year” material. Operant conditioning like this certainly puts a person in the running for such awards. Fingers crossed!

To check out more examples of Facebook parents who posted pictures of their kids crying just to be heartless bastards, check out my column over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Links Round-Up: Press Edition + Sanctimommy Fever

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 20:31:24 -0400

So, the last time this site got a brief wave of press was back in October, and a lot of the coverage focused on my “lack” of children, which sucked. Knowing that the book response could have been more of the same, I decided to take some proactive measures so as to not go crazy like the last time (which prompted posts like this and this). Those things included practicing deep breathing, getting plenty of rest, and maintaining a steady diet of carnitas tacos and guacamole, which has been delicious.

It’s all worked out pretty well the past couple of weeks, but there was one comment, written on the STFU, Parents Facebook page, that I simply couldn’t keep confined to that page. It’s just too good. This is the stuff the blog is made of (and the type of person the blog was made for):

ZING. Tricia wins Sanctimommy of the Day fo sho. I do hope she felt better after venting. I’m totally picturing her yelling “BOOYAKASHAH!!” at the computer and then texting all of her girlfriends: “Ummm I just told a total stranger that she’s wasting her life on her own Facebook page. #mommyneedswine #makeitadouble LOL.” Oh, Tricia.

Then, a few days ago, I went on Huffington Post Live and said the thing that I usually say about how the blog doesn’t get that much hate mail and most people tend to like okay it if they read a few pages (which is true). Within a few hours, I received this sweet love note:

Daaaaaaaamn, that’s cold!

Here’s what bothers me about this email: In the subject, Emma says I deserve the title of Cunt with a capital C, but in the body, she just reduces me to a stale old typical cunt, lowercase c. Thanks a lot, Emma. I’ll be staring at my computer screen pondering this embarrassing discrepancy for the rest of my life.

And now, a round-up of interviews about the book as well as several discussions about “childlessness” and overshare for those of you who are interested in checking them out:

CNN posted an awesome Q&A with a funny gallery, and then the next day talk show host Don Lemon and his guest panelists had a chat about the book and parent overshare. It was amazing. Go here to read the article and here to watch the clip (starts at 7:20). [CNN]
As mentioned, I went on Huffington Post Live with my “Internet friends” Nancy Redd, Jessica Gottlieb, and Kim from One Classy Motha aka the inventor of Beaver Babies. [HuffPost]
My homies at Mommyish posted about the GMA appearance. [Mommyish]
Jeanne Sager over at The Stir posted a popular article titled ‘17 Most Annoying Things About Parents (According to People Without Kids’. [The Stir]
Mary Beth Williams interviewed me for Salon and chose an excellent closing line. [Salon]
Mom’s Gold Star winner Claire Zulkey interviewed me for WBEZ. [WBEZ]
Jen Doll did a Q&A with me for The Atlantic Wire (and asked me what my mom thinks of the blog). [The Atlantic Wire]
Kristen Kemp at Parents.com featured a fun ‘n short interview about the book. [Parents]
Bitch Magazine ran an interview and asked about “insufferable parent shenanigans” in Brooklyn. [Bitch]
Judy McGuire from the Mike & Judy Show (which I’ve been on twice and am going on again this weekend!) wrote an article for Tumblr’s Storyboard. [Storyboard]
Nicole Cliffe included the book in a great books round-up on The Hairpin. [The Hairpin]
The Pudding posted a Q&A and sprinkled submissions from the blog throughout the post. I enjoyed that. [The Pudding]
Babble featured a gallery of 20 overshares from the blog in conjunction with the book. [Babble]
Policy Mic wrote the article with arguably the best lede, AND they included a picture of the baby cake from the Book Shower. [Policy Mic]
Brooklyn Based, which is my favorite events mailer in my adopted hometown, ran an interview about the book. [Brooklyn Based]
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, which is the newspaper that I used to sell door-to-door in my original hometown, ran an interview about me and the book. [AJC]
A blogger at the AJC took issue with the blog/book and essentially compared pictures of poopy diapers to pictures of toes on the beach. [AJC Momania]
Dustin Rowles over at Pajiba shook things up with his post ‘STFU, Childless People.’ [Pajiba]
The Wall Street Journal wrote an article (and referenced this post) about the book and the Book Shower. (If you hit a paywall, you can Google the title.) [WSJ]
Last but not least, I got “realer than real” in a personal interview about blogging with Alice Wright from Get Off My Internets. [GOMI]

Thanks to everyone who’s taken the time to talk with me and/or check out the book! And thank you to the great blogs that have hosted book giveaways so far: Fucked In Park Slope, One Classy Motha, The Mouthy Housewives, and Motherhood In NYC.

Also, for anyone who’s reading in L.A., I’ll be on a panel next weekend called The Politics of Parenting* at the L.A. Times Festival of Books on Sunday, April 21st at 12:30pm. If you’re in the area, I hope you’ll come by and get a book signed!

*your guess is as good as mine regarding my qualifications for this

Mom's Gold Star: Reading Round-Up!

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 19:14:00 -0400

Since I’ve been focusing so much time on the “STFU, Parents” book lately, I’ve had reading on the brain. It got me thinking about the great Mom’s Gold Star submissions that I’ve received about reading and writing, and how I don’t really do enough to promote those things on the blog. I spend plenty of time talking about poor spelling and making fun of language butchery and yoonique names, but what about the good submissions I receive?

This picture couldn’t be funnier if it was staged. And frankly, I wouldn’t care if it was. Something about watching kids “play” with books before they can even read them warms my heart. Whether they’re chewing on them, shitting on them, or sleeping with them, you get the impression that those are the kids who are going to appreciate reading and writing when they’re older.

Considering my mother taught English for close to 30 years, “rough giraffe” may be the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. Move over, “Porn Gravy.” There’s some new made-up terminology in town, and it sounds like this.

Last but not least, let’s take the blog full-circle, shall we? A little over four years ago, my real life friend Leigh helped to inspire this blog and wound up being the first screenshot I ever posted (and without commentary! Clearly I had no blogging direction whatsoever.) Leigh’s is the only post from my personal friends list on the blog that’s not in the Gold Star category, and while it would never make the cut today, I’ll always think of it fondly. Anyway, a few months ago, she posted this on Facebook:

I’m not just saying this because she’s my friend, but that was a brave stunt that Leigh pulled. She swooped in like some kind of Reading Superhero that appears when the “bad guys” stand in the way of children reading. When I read her status update I was like, “Oh, damn,” because I’m not sure I’d have had the balls to do the same thing.

So kudos, Leigh! Thanks for being a “reading activist” and showing that mother what an asshole she was being (even though she probably didn’t realize it at all and just thinks you’re an elitist bookworm). Congrats to Gretchen and Leah on their Gold Stars, too! Funny jokes about books are always welcome around these parts.

Related: The Giving Tree

(submitted by Anonymous)

Mama Drama: Sneak Attack Edition

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 19:50:59 -0400

You guys know me — I love a good sneak attack. Whether it’s an unexpected warning on a toddler’s birthday party invitation, or a particularly vitriolic response to some friendly “suggestions and advise,” it’s always nice to see mama bears taking matters into their own paws on Facebook.

Clearly in this case, there’s some back beef* between Lisa and Nicole, and Nicole was asking for it by baiting Lisa with her comment. It was her small way of saying, “Try me, mama,” and Lisa was all, “BITCH, I WILL TRY YOU SO DO NOT STEP TO ME.” When you disown someone’s ass, you’re basically saying that you will not tell them when they get food in their teeth, nor will you tell them when their skirt is accidentally tucked into their underwear or when they misuse the word “climatic.” You might not even tell them that they’re about to get hit by a bus. It’s over. You’re just a legal document away from a restraining order. Blood is thicker than water, and Facebook fights are forever (also known as FFF). I hope when Nicole said, “but there’s slot me to everything and idc anymore,” she knew what she was getting herself into. She put her own ass on blast, and now that ass has been disowned.

*Note: back beef is a lot like beef back, except instead of coming with a special sauce it comes with tension and drama.

(submitted by Anonymous)