STFU, Parents

Butter Chicken

Thu, 24 May 2012 16:29:11 -0400

The caption of this submission became blurry when I made the GIF, but it says: “Paula did u just fart”??? “no” “Was that one of the “??Any one for butter chicken??

Hmm, let me think. NO, Paula, WE’RE ALL GOOD ON BUTTER CHICKEN. But thanks for the aerial shot of your baby’s dirty diaper. You’re not the first person to have come up with that brilliant idea, and I’m sure you won’t be the last.

(submitted by Anonymous)

MommyJacking: Know-It-Alls Edition

Wed, 23 May 2012 19:15:00 -0400

This week on Mommyish, I talk about know-it-all parents on Facebook. This topic is a long time coming, because it’s a particular type of mommyjacking that annoys parents and non-parents alike. Unsolicited advice is irritating no matter what a person is being “advised” to do, but it’s especially annoying when it’s advice being doled out by “helpful” parents on Facebook.

What is it about some people that causes them to interject and act sanctimonious when there’s nothing to be sanctimonious about? It’s a daunting prospect. A person posts an innocent update and then suddenly she’s getting an earful from a member of the Parenting Hall Monitor Association. Like most mommyjacking sub-categories, it’s not always something that can be predicted. It can, however, give you a pretty good idea of who your friends are. Let’s check out some examples.

1. Lactivists

Kathy needs to pull the breast pump out of her ass and stop acting like a shrew. The onesie is a joke, and whether Izzie is breastfeeding and ‘pumping and dumping’ or isn’t breastfeeding at all is really none of Kathy’s business. Sugar-coating the condescension with “yummy Mama milky” takes this comment to baby talk heights of obnoxiousness. I’ve yet to see anything more annoying than an adult who talks like a toddler on the Internet.

2. One-Two Punch

I’m not sure why Caryn’s comment posted twice (four minutes apart), but it goes to show that you shouldn’t act like the SVP of Seatbelt Safety on Facebook. Once was kind of bitchy. Twice makes you sound like a lunatic. I understand why people get so concerned about seatbelt safety, but there are flight attendants whose job it is to pay attention to such things. Bringing it up makes you look like an asshole.

3. Rules and Exceptions

Ugh, Blue, take your attitude back to “Leave It to Beaver.”

4. P.O.B.

Doris sounds extra desperate in her comment, like she’s been bombarded into a shame corner by “friends” who don’t know how to politely message a person off the record. Yes, that baby looks like he’s about to have himself a little crib-climbing adventure, but I think that’s pretty plain to see. It certainly doesn’t need to be noted by multiple people in bitchy “Hear, Hear!!” fashion. Erin needs to take a step back for real. “Yep I agree with Mary.” translates to, “Yep, I’m as superior as Mary, so I agree with her.”

Thanks for the tips, gals! What would Doris do without you?! Oh, I know: Not question her taste in friends or her role as a parent. Right!

Check out my column on Mommyish to read more about mommyjacking know-it-alls. There’s a pretty awesome Dad’s Gold Star plus several other excellent examples!

(submitted by Anonymous)

::Click (twice) to enlarge:: Mom Sorority Hey sisters, let me...

Tue, 22 May 2012 16:43:00 -0400

::Click (twice) to enlarge::

Mom Sorority

Hey sisters, let me ask you something. Do you ever look into your baby’s eyes and think, “This is it. I used to care about so much frivolous bullshit, but now my life is dedicated to this little person who will love me unconditionally. She won’t be like my freshman year roommate who told all the girls on our hall that I made abstract art out of my toenail clippings. Or that girl Amber who slept with my ex-boyfriend after passing out in his lap on a road trip to see Dave Matthews. My baby just looks up at me, gurgles, and in so many words says, “Mommy, you are the most beautiful mommy in the universe, and you’re all mine!” Does that ever happen to anyone else?

Why mess around with friends and drama when you can mess around with Play-Doh? Why pretend it’s fun to have conversations with people your own age when it’s not? Friends? More like people who ditch you when you have a baby. There are never any true friends or real friends once you do that. And really, why get new ones, maybe friends who have children, too, if deep down you know that no one can possibly compete with your child? It’s a waste of time and energy. There’s the relationship between a mother and child, the relationship between the child’s parents, and then there’s Facebook for everything else! What more does a person need? “Skip the drama and focus on being a mama!” There’s a reason that expression is so popular.

(submitted by Anonymous)

::Click (twice) to enlarge:: Adult Store Dilemma Something about...

Mon, 21 May 2012 20:18:18 -0400

::Click (twice) to enlarge::

Adult Store Dilemma

Something about Tristen’s description of her lingerie shopping process reminded me of the scene in Boogie Nights when Dirk Diggler gives that awards ceremony speech about how the industry can make better films and how “they can help, they really can.” I understand where Tristen is coming from with her sincere desire to find some lingerie to wear during sexy times with her “hubby,” and I respect her openness to discussing it — to a point. Sure, some people use lingerie, or movies, or toys, to help stimulate arousal in the bedroom, but this thread (and adults shops) are about much more than that. Like Dirk Diggler, she’s simplifying something that’s actually not so simple.

First, why discuss this subject on Facebook? Tristen’s remarks have that casual, “So what? WE’RE MARRIED!” vibe to them, as if to say, “Listen, lingerie store proprietors, there are adults in this world who are trying to get busy and who, God forbid, also have children. I know that may come as a surprise, but sometimes when two consenting and married adults have sex they make babies. And there is nothing wrong with us taking them out shopping. They’re too young to understand what anything is! Stop harboring a hypocritical bias against families who use lingerie in the bedroom and need to try on items together in stores! This is a totally normal thing to do, and we don’t give a F if we have to leave our strollers outside. Just let us in and let us shop!”

There’s a subtle condescension to her comments, like she was made to feel “dirty” in an adult store when she can’t possibly be “dirty” because she’s married with children. She’s just a woman who enjoys pleasing her husband! She wants to wear lingerie that he likes and it is VERY IMPORTANT that she try things on with him present because *hello*, she’s wearing this stuff for him.

Aside from that feeling that I’m picking up, and aside from the fact that this was posted on Facebook (granted, in a measured, articulate way), I’m still kind of blown away (no pun intended) that parents think it’s normal to bring their kids into stores called “Lovers” or “Resurrection” or “Edible Panties Emporium” to do serious “try stuff on” shopping. I’m all for kids growing up with a mature understanding of sexual behavior, and I understand that these children are super young, but we all know that adult shops cater to more than just “married couples with very particular husbands who really like the color red and just the right amount of lace and skin showing.” People are a little freakier than that. They like anal beads. Dildos. Porn. Vibrators. Items that resemble household appliances that make no sense to people who don’t enjoy fucking farm animals. And unless you’re in a store that ONLY sells lingerie (otherwise known as Victoria’s Secret and stripper supply stores), then that stuff is going to be available and on display. And there might also be a creepy guy hanging out by the “Facials” DVD section. And another guy with a questionably ragged Fu Manchu mustache. And a girl who may or may not have a cutting fetish.

That said, there are plenty of “upscale adult boutiques” that absolutely love draining (no pun intended) hipster parents of cash, and they are not strict about bringing kids to the store. Here in Brooklyn, one shop actually has a kids play area set up so people can “selectively” shop in peace while their children play with stuffed animals shaped like butt plugs. (Just kidding. They’re shaped like octopi, and they’re just butt plug cozies.) It’s all about where you go. And I guess to conclude my insanely long thought on this subject, I just want to say that while I’m not judgmental of the idea of shopping for these things with kids in tow, some people don’t necessarily want to buy a Jaguar Harness + Purple Leo Combo or an Icicles Swirl Dildo while a baby looks on or a toddler has a meltdown over fruit snacks. And that makes sense to me. I’m not sure why it doesn’t make sense to Tristen, but there is a reason some adult shops don’t want kids in their store, and it’s all about what’s good for the business.

In other words, just buy online if you truly can’t leave your kids with a sitter for an hour. Take a risk. And maybe tell your “hubby” to appreciate what you’re wearing regardless of whether it’s his “preferred style.” Is he a dude about to get laid or is he André Leon Talley?

(submitted by Anonymous)

Mom’s Gold Star It’d be impossible for me to post...

Fri, 18 May 2012 14:31:45 -0400

Mom’s Gold Star

It’d be impossible for me to post this without quoting the ‘The Karate Kid.’ “FINISH HIM, JOHNNY!!” Pro-Parenting Tip: If your baby is too young to assume the crane stance, he’s too young to suffer the sweep the leg move.

That said, I love Laura’s status update and think she’s hilarious. She’s like the Master of Bath Time Ceremonies. I do not have a fancy trophy to offer her, nor do I have any Miyagi-style suggestions regarding her tub-standing dilemma, but I do wish to award her with this week’s Gold Star. Something tells me she’ll figure out how to solve her problem without using any martial arts, but I’m amused by her thought process all the same.

(submitted by Anonymous)

::Click (twice) to enlarge:: It cracks me up when restaurant...

Thu, 17 May 2012 13:28:00 -0400

::Click (twice) to enlarge::

It cracks me up when restaurant patrons send PR contacts “long emails” bitching about something that happened at dinner that was their own fault. I’m all for complaining when something legitimately goes wrong that’s outside a person’s control - like, say, receiving food that made them sick, or having a poor experience with a server who was rude for no reason - but when an incident is actually the customer’s fault, and then the customer complains, why should the PR rep care? Because the person is a “paying customer”? Please.

We’re all so trained to think “the customer is always right,” we often forget that we are slovenly assholes who refuse to accept responsibility for our own actions. And while it’s a publicist’s job to review emails about conduct and “customer suffering,” it is hardly in the rep’s best interest to pay lip service to “long emails” written by conspicuously dramatic mothers who make baby spit threats on the internet. Especially when those threats are in response to something they could have prevented from happening.

I’m not suggesting that kids don’t run loose on occasion. Children are like the human equivalent of that scene in ‘Pretty Woman’ when a snail flies across the room. They’re nearly impossible to control sometimes. But I am saying that once a child sneaks through the rail to the ‘no minors’ area at the Sticky Wicket Pub, regardless of how “disrespectful” a server is, his mother’s response should be, “We’ll make sure he stays in the family dining area, thanks,” and not, “I will hunt you down the next time he is sick and have him sneeze in your mouth.” Assuming, of course, that the server didn’t force the kid to wash dishes or bus tables or sling drinks as punishment. I’m glad that Blondie seems to agree. Is it just me or is she treating Elizabeth like a princess who regularly whines on Facebook while shining her tiara? Sometimes you’ve just gotta choose your battles.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Why Spelling Mahtters

Wed, 16 May 2012 13:20:41 -0400

This week on Mommyish, I posted a series of submissions with spelling and grammar errors. I know it’s not technically “overshare,” and I realize that we are not all stellar spellers — nor are our cell phones — and also that some of us didn’t learn English as a first language. But for the longest time I’ve been receiving submissions with such egregious mistakes, I couldn’t help but group them all together for a laugh. After last week’s Tease & Reveal and Monday’s “nude study,” I’m ready to take a closer look at a subject that isn’t ~~grose~~ gross so much as it is ~~rediculous~~ ridiculous.

There’s nothing more cringe-worthy than a grammatical or spelling error that kills the sentiment of a status update (well, other than stuff like this, of course). I’m not just talking about language butchery here; I’m talking about flubs that take an update or comment from “whatever” status to “oh, for real?!” status. We all make these errors from time to time, so I’m not suggesting that anyone is “better” than anyone else ~~per say~~ per se. I’m just pointing out some typos I’ve noticed in submissions that gave me a chuckle and/or made me question the education system. Here are some examples:

1. Pluralization

What’s worse: babys or babbies? My biggest pet peeve is when people write “mom’s” as a plural word. I see it all the time on Twitter, and it just makes me sad. “Happy Friday, mommy’s!”

2. *facepalm*

This submission has been cracking me up for months. Congradulations is a pretty common typo (some people even write it intentionally, although I have no idea why), but “clothes” is just THE BEST. The best, Jerry!

3. Language Butchery

We’ve seen a lot of language butchery on the blog, but “gawjus” might be my favorite phonetic (mis)spelling of an otherwise ~~luvly~~ lovely word meant to convey ~~beeutee~~ beauty. I’ve neva seen it written that way b4, but I’m oddly drahn to it.

4. Edumacation

Amy’s kid is gonna get edumacated, you guys. Her ~~husbands~~ husband’s not to too thrilled about it, but Amy has reassured him that their daughter will finish kindergarden first cause it’s already been paid for. :) Thank God for small miracles.

(Seriously, how frightening is this?)

5. Misspelled Hostility

I feel for Kristy the way Rosie O’Donnell felt about Britney Spears when she had her emotional breakdown in 2007. “Come live with me! Let me teach you the difference between a “stare” and a flight of “stairs.” You deserve better than this!” When your ~~bass line~~ base line of self-criticism is, “I don’t live off welfare and my kids all have the same father!” you might be craving a more positive influence in your life. Maybe take up yoga? And utilize internet access to dictionary.com? H8ers gonna h8. At least Kristy’s not throwing any paternity test parties, amirite?

Don’t forget to head over to Mommyish to read more awesome/depressing spelling errors! I maybe biassed, but they shure are funny. Click hear to chekk it out!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Maybe I wouldn’t be as disgusted by Jamey’s status update if Stephen hadn’t...

Tue, 15 May 2012 13:47:45 -0400

Maybe I wouldn’t be as disgusted by Jamey’s status update if Stephen hadn’t chimed in with his sweeeet and warrrrrrrm comment, but now I feel grossed out. Can’t parents just stop talking about what their baby’s breath and poop and farts and skin smell like? I’m getting sensory overload over here.

I mean I get it — your baby was born and smelled like a newborn baby. Then your baby pooped and it smelled like microwavable popcorn and made you hungry. Then the baby farted and it smelled like your own shit because you breast-feed and it’s just so WACKY that your bodily emissions smell similar, and then your baby breathed on you and it was like a symphony of sweetness that you’d like to bottle and spray on your pillow before bed. All of that blew your ~~nostrils~~ mind, and I get that, but why does everyone else need to know? And what kind of person says stuff like, “I’ve known some kids with crazy breath.”? That’s like saying, “I’ve known some grandmas with irregular bowel syndrome,” or, “I’ve known some convicts with crazy tattoos.” It’s all relative. Just keep it to yourself, especially if the observation causes you to make comparisons to the child’s father. Does anybody remember this post? Yeah. Me too.

(submitted by Anonymous)

It’s unfortunate when a trend that’s already kind of messed up turns into an even...

Mon, 14 May 2012 19:35:35 -0400

It’s unfortunate when a trend that’s already kind of messed up turns into an even weirder trend that I never saw coming. This isn’t a potty picture a la The Potty Factor, but the ~~young boy~~ pre-pubescent featured may as well be taking a dump as far as I’m concerned. He’s buck naked, eating what appears to be one of those flat Jolly Rancher stix, his “package” is covered by some other kind of package, and, God bless him, he’s giving his swollen ankle a good soak in a foot bath. All the makings for an incredibly awkward photo that I will never be able to scrub from my memory.

Aside from the obvious and perhaps Puritanical questions like, “Why is this kid hanging out around the house naked while his mom takes his picture?”, there is the even more obvious fact that this picture should not be posted on the internet, ever. But clearly none of that matters to Kellie, who I’d like to fling underwear at for sport, because really, what’s more important, getting a laugh online or protecting your son’s innocence? Cody looovvvves being naked LOL! It’s HILARIOUS! Everyone must see it to believe it! Just look at him, not giving a flying fuck that he’s naked as a jaybird and spending quality time with his mom and a foot bath. Why should Kellie keep such a funny day to herself when she could share it with the whole world? This is what Facebook is FOR, remember? Keeping friends and family up-to-date on the latest haps! Today, nudity, tomorrow, who knows? He’s a growing boy; he’s full of surprises!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Mother’s Day ‘12 - Fetus Edition This is the final post of the day. As always, I try to...

Sun, 13 May 2012 20:32:56 -0400

Mother’s Day ‘12 - Fetus Edition

This is the final post of the day. As always, I try to save the best for last, and I consider a fetus’s Mother’s Day card to be a real gem of a submission, not to mention a telling sign of the times. The status update itself was written by the fetus’s grandmother, who is thrilled that her daughter received such a sweet note from her unborn baby still cookin’ in the womb. I mean, sure, Wendy wrote the card herself, but how thoughtful is that little “baby girl”? Pretty much the most thoughtful not-yet-fully-developed baby ever if you ask me!!

This card symbolizes so much of what is right and wrong in this world. The pros are that Krista has a mom who loves her, a baby on the way who will be equally as loved, and a card that defies science and reason, which is impressive. The cons, however, are everything else. Facebook-ing fetuses, handwritten cards from cellular blobs…what are we even talking about at this point? I can only imagine what next year’s submissions will include. Will JibJab create “talking fetus” cards? Just upload your sonogram and your fetus will talk to you like a dog in a commercial or an elf around Christmas! Share it on Facebook! Make it dance to the Bee Gees!

Whatever happens, I’ll be here to document it. Thanks for spending this Mother’s Day with me, everyone!

(submitted by Anonymous)

::Click (twice) to enlarge:: Shitty Mother’s Day...

Sun, 13 May 2012 18:18:38 -0400

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Shitty Mother’s Day ‘12

I’m fairly certain the last comment in Blue was written by one of Pink’s adult friends, but I didn’t edit the names myself, and after reading submissions like this and this, I can’t really be sure. Either way, it’s an adult pretending to be a toddler, which I find just as odd - though not nearly as disgusting - as posting a picture of a kid sitting in a bed full of crap.

I sort of understand the compulsion women have to make the “Look at the shitty gift my baby made me for Mother’s Day!” joke, but I’ll never understand the rationale behind posting the picture, too. There’s just no way to justify that. I don’t care if your kid writes “I Love You, Mommy” in shit on the wall next to her crib complete with a drawing of a bouquet of flowers. It’s not worth posting on Facebook. Yes, you’ll appeal to the lowest common denominator - other oversharing parents - but just because it’s a day of parental celebration doesn’t mean it’s also a day to rain down crap upon your friends. Most people, including parents, don’t care to see their friends’ babies sitting in their own excrement, even on holidays. Crazy but true.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Mother’s Day ‘12 Stacey kind of saves Andrew’s...

Sun, 13 May 2012 16:36:00 -0400

Mother’s Day ‘12

Stacey kind of saves Andrew’s update, considering she could have come back with some schmoopy type comment and made me vomit all over my computer, but that still doesn’t excuse him from ridicule. I know he’s just trying to be funny and cute as a public display of affection for his wife on Mother’s Day, but seriously, stop it already with this stuff, people. I see so many couples, and specifically parents, having “romantic banter” in my newsfeed and I just want to tell them all to give it a rest.

You’re married! Your friends believe that you love each other! You don’t need to share that love, or any intimate memories, on Facebook. You have nothing to prove. I think I speak for everyone else when I say, “We’re GOOD.” Whisper sweet nothings in your partner’s ear all you want; just don’t whisper them in ours, too. And please don’t use Facebook as a platform for your “cafeteria declarations,” either. That stuff only works in movies.

Related: Making a Baby! ;)

(submitted by Anonymous)

Mother’s Day ‘12 This was seen on the Stamp Out Hunger Facebook page regarding the 20th...

Sun, 13 May 2012 14:43:07 -0400

Mother’s Day ‘12

This was seen on the Stamp Out Hunger Facebook page regarding the 20th annual Food Drive that happened yesterday through a partnership between Campbell Soup and the National Association of Letter Carriers. The initiative is pretty simple: Americans put canned food in a bag and leave it for a mail carrier to pick up, and then BOOM, someone who’s in need of food has a better chance of getting a meal.

But apparently the timing of this program really ticks Deborah off. It burns her right up! Why of all weekends is the program this weekend? Why are the selfish people behind Stamp Out Hunger determined to hijack Mother’s Day? Who are these monsters?!

Er…….wait. Turns out the Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive has been held on the second Saturday of May every year since it started, which, according to the Wikipedia page, was actually 19 years ago rather than 20. But hey, who’s counting by years? I’m counting by mouths fed, and by Wikipedia’s count, the drives have collected a total of over one billion pounds of food over the course of (nearly) two decades, which is pretty amazing. So EAT IT, Deborah. This is a freakin’ tradition. It is what it is, and one thing’s for sure: It takes just as long to leave a rude comment on a company’s Facebook page as it takes to collect a few cans of food to leave by the mailbox.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Mother’s Day ‘12 - Real Mothers Edition Hey, LADIES - and when I say...

Sun, 13 May 2012 12:55:08 -0400

Mother’s Day ‘12 - Real Mothers Edition

Hey, LADIES - and when I say “ladies” I mean “mothers” aka “women doing as God and Man intended” - Happy Mother’s Day! And when I say “Happy Mother’s Day!” I mean “real mothers” aka “the ones who raise and take care of their own children,” and not some low-rent mom who doesn’t do shit or some uppity mom who thinks she can put her babies in daycare, because those mothers aren’t doing nearly enough to have earned the title of mother! I and a douchebag named Richard agree that not all mothers should be honored on Mother’s Day; rather, it’s a select group of women who meet a certain criteria based on a curated list of requirements created by Richard. He’s a dude so he knows about these things. If anyone out there is qualified to judge mothers on Mother’s Day via Facebook, trust me, it’s Richard! Two people “liked” his status update, so you know he’s legit.

Related: “MOM,MOMMY,MOTHER,MAMA”

(submitted by Anonymous)

::Click (twice) to enlarge — you know you want to read...

Sun, 13 May 2012 11:26:46 -0400

::Click (twice) to enlarge — you know you want to read that description::

Mother’s Day 2012

Happy Mother’s Day, everyone! To kick off the celebration, here’s some bloody breast milk from a cracked nipple. It’s just a small token of my appreciation for moms, and I mean that sincerely as well as in jest. I honestly can’t imagine my own mother pumping bloody breast milk from her pained, cracked nipples and then photographing it and posting it online for everyone to see in an act of martyrdom, but shockingly I admire her sacrifices all the same.

Today’s posts will be all about Mother’s Day, and if the above submission is any indication, it’s going to be a day full of blood and/or fun. What’s not to like about those odds?! Join me!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Mom's Gold Star: Games Edition

Fri, 11 May 2012 15:21:08 -0400

I know some people grew up with parents who were maybe a little *too* competitive with them - like parents who try to win at everything from I Spy and Hungry, Hungry Hippos to father-son basketball games - but most of the time, I think it’s awesome when parents don’t let their kids win at everything. Connect Four is some serious business, and the sooner kids wise up, the better. That rule should apply to most games, actually.

Wendy don’t play. I mean, she does play, but she doesn’t play around. Her preschool-aged son thinks he can cheat at Candy Land and beat his own mom?! Yeah. Right. Good thinking, kid. Wendy’s onto you, and she’s not afraid to knock your ass back to Lollipop Woods. You know the old saying: Mom’s gotta do what a Mom’s gotta do.

Congratulations, Wendy and Kendra! You both win Gold Stars this week for being witty, uncompromising, and, most importantly, for taking games seriously. I’m an avid game lover and defender, and no one gets my support more than a parent who’s willing to cheat and shed blood to teach her child a healthy lesson in competitiveness.

(submitted by Anonymous)

**Reminder! I’ll be posting Mother’s Day content this Sunday, so come on by!**

Tease & Reveal: Snake Edition

Thu, 10 May 2012 14:08:54 -0400

It’s been a couple months since the last tease & reveal, so I figured why not share another horrific gem with you fine readers? As you can imagine based on the above thread, there is poop involved. And yes, it closely resembles an “elongate, legless, carnivorous reptile of the suborder Serpentes.” But what especially amuses me is the way Randi confirms that - well, this is TMI, but yes, it is in fact poop - because what the hell else would this picture be of?

I made this green cobra gif to try to offset the possibly-fanged turd sitting in the toilet, but something tells me you guys might not appreciate my artistic merits. I mean, it’s still shit, resembling a long snake, sitting in the basin of a porcelain bowl. Why anyone would post this on the internet is beyond me, but even more beyond me is Randi’s use of the word “TMI.” Oh really, Randi, is it TMI to admit that this is a picture of your kid’s foot-long poop? Or, is it just TMI to post a picture of it - much less discuss it - in the first place?!?

Sara sounds genuinely frightened — as am I. Frightened of people like Randi.

Related: More Tease & Reveal

(submitted by Anonymous)

Moms Who Keep It Real

Wed, 09 May 2012 17:55:35 -0400

This week on Mommyish, in honor of Mother’s Day coming up this weekend, I put together a collection of submissions about moms who are keeping it real. Ultimately, a lot of what’s featured on the blog is a parent’s attempt at honesty and/or humor, and most of the time that honesty is best categorized as TMI. Just because your kid had a monstrous poopy diaper and exploded all over Ruby Tuesday doesn’t mean it’s worth writing about on Facebook- especially if you didn’t clean it up. But sometimes honesty is appreciated, and I receive a lot of Mom’s Gold Star submissions from people who want to reward their friends for their candor, even if it isn’t the kind of humor that typically makes the cut.

I believe in being true to oneself, and the parents featured in today’s post and in the Mommyish column fit that description for me. Whether they do for you will remain an issue of personal preference, but speaking as a person who receives dozens of submissions each week, I can say that not everyone deserves to be told to STFU or receive a Gold Star. Some parents exist in-between those extremes. Like these:

1. Mom Porn

Grocery shopping with kids sucks ass, but not everyone can figure out a way to get their shopping done without their kids in tow. I’m also relieved to hear that Christina pretends to read as she has these shopping fantasies, because it gives me hope that all the women reading Fifty Shades Of Grey are actually fantasizing about grocery shopping rather than reading sub-par fan fiction.

2. The Anti-Mompetition

I’ve never heard “peace said” before, but I’m feeling Kaytee here. Cloth diapers are great! For some people. Breastfeeding fucking ROCKS! For some people. Attachment parenting is awesome! But not for everyone. Women should try to help each other out, not give each other the side-eye every time another mom does things differently.

3. Real Talk

Normally I wouldn’t be down AT ALL with Danielle for posting this story on Facebook. It’s gross, it puts me off the McDonald’s Playland even more than usual (which is hard to believe), and it’s preachy, too. All elements that make for a typical post on this blog. But something about her sincerity actually puts me more in the “pity” camp than in the “good god, woman, shut your filthy mouth!” camp. I don’t know why, exactly, but I think it has something to do with picturing a dozen or so children chasing a grown woman around an enclosed play area as she attempts to dispose of a human turd. Very ‘Lord Of The Flies.’

4. Story Hour: “Lesson Learned”

When Oprah and her BFF slash life partner Gayle talk about teachable moments, this is what they mean. Sure, Kimberly exhausts herself in this update by giving a Story Hour rundown of her children’s antics, but I like where that incredibly boring story leads. I like her version of “punishment” and her commitment to figuring out a better approach to teaching her kids lessons without yelling. She’s long-winded, but she’s got a good point. Don’t waste food, and remember to handle delicious Ritz crackers with care. Same thing goes for Pringles. These are today’s Life Lessons™.

5. ~~Ball~~ MythBusters

I like this submission because not only does D. explain how she handled a situation - rather than use Facebook to crowdsource for an answer - but she also paints a visual that makes me think of baseball hand signals, like a secret language shared between mother and daughter. Subtle understanding goes a long way when balls are concerned. Sometimes as a parent, you just have to wing it.

Head over to Mommyish to read more examples of moms keeping it real, including one mother who accuses people of “spouting bullshit from their ass.” Yikes. Happy early Mother’s Day! I’ll be back with more Mother’s Day posts on Sunday. The kind that read more like this.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Woe Is Mom

Tue, 08 May 2012 15:14:36 -0400

What’s the point in saying “unameit” (aka ‘you name it’) when you’ve already told the lawn maintenance dude to fuck himself after posting a photograph of his work truck on Facebook? What else is there to say? The guy is simply trying to do his job without being yelled at by a neighbor in the middle of the day. Why should that be so hard?

Yes, it sucks that this is the first shared nap time the boys have had in weeks and it’s been thwarted by outside noise - OF COURSE it sucks. But is it really worth screaming at the guy whose job it is to mow and trim grass for a living? He isn’t exactly in a position to “set his schedule,” if you will, so bitching isn’t going to change anything. Not to mention, it’s the middle of the day. How are people supposed to know how to adjust their work schedules to accommodate a mother’s preferences?

Jeez, people, you’re supposed to be working during the hours that Chastity is shopping! What is everyone doing right now anyway, other than shadowing Chastity’s every move like weird freaks who also enjoy parking close to store entrances and shopping in the afternoon? Chastity shouldn’t have to put up with that, OR stand in long lines with a crying baby, because she has specifically designed her life to move efficiently without others’ intrusion! Whose fault is it that her timing for this particular shopping trip backfired? Hers? I don’t think so. I swear, ppl suk so hard.

Related: Woe Is Mom Complain-O-Rama!

(submitted by Anonymous)

P.O.B. - Culture Wars Edition

Mon, 07 May 2012 15:30:00 -0400

Here’s what bothers me about Pink’s update: While I completely understand why some people don’t like their children being touched - from women who have like five teeth to “drunk ladies” to random people at the mall - expressing some kind of cultural bias while simultaneously demonstrating cultural ignorance is not a very good idea. In fact, I’d say it’s a pretty terrible idea, and also a stupid one. If you want to keep your child wrapped in plastic, by all means, go for it. If you want to adorn her with a bright pink sign that says, “Don’t Touch Me Or My Mom Flips Out,” that would probably prevent it from happening as often. But ultimately, parents need to get over this shit and move on. It’s not worth the stress, headache, and Facebook drama (particularly when a person begins to sound like a prejudiced snob). Plus, believe it or not, “Chinese restaurant worker germs” are no worse than all the other germs and baceteria a child is exposed to and/or consumes on a daily basis.

But what gets me the most is the way parents joke about their kids eating their own poop, or eating dog food, or whatever, and yet “Chinese restaurant workers” are going to transmit some kind of virus? Give me a break. If you have a problem with people touching your child, fine, but there’s no need to bring the “type” of person into the equation, unless of course it’s because you’re acknowledging a cultural difference.

What-what-whaaaatttt??? A NOSE RING? No freaking way. And Amy - the chicken butt joke, for reals? On MICKEY MOUSE CLUBHOUSE? You’ve gotta be shitting me. This is an outrage!! What is our world coming to? First some kind of Indian-American type woman character is allowed on children’s television with a nose ring, and then you’re telling me the chicken butt joke was endorsed by Goofy of all people?! Ugh. Abominable. And couldn’t the producers of the prolific cartoon Sesame Street have at least ensured that this woman’s character didn’t wear a pig nose ring? It’s one thing to wear a tiny plain diamond or a sapphire or a rare geode or something, but an ugly, protruding, and highly attention-seeking style like a pig ring? GUH-ROSS. Children shouldn’t be exposed to cultural diversity so young - that is a proven FACT. Sesame Street and America have royally screwed this one up.

(submitted by Anonymous)