If I had to pick one subject that’s emblematic of STFU, Parents, it would probably be mommyjacking. Nothing makes a person want to shatter a windshield more than a good mommyjacking round-up, especially when the examples surround people who are childfree. We’ve examined this phenomenon before with posts like "Have a Kid!" and "Wait ‘Til You Have Kids," yet parents continue to bully, patronize, and generally annoy the living shit out of their “friends” by making weird parenting-related comments at the dumbest and/or worst of times.
This much is clear not just in my inbox, but on newsstands, too. Take a look at the TIME magazine cover story "The Childfree Life," which inspired a lot of conversation online as well as my new Mommyish column and this post. The media will never stop comparing childfree/childless people and parents — something I can personally attest to — even though the subject is suuuper boring, and it’s still as irritating as ever (if not more so) when parents condescend to their friends just for not having kids. What’s the point? Can’t we all just get along?? Let’s check out some more examples of parents mommyjacking their selfish, clueless, and unimpressive non-parent friends:
1. Congratulations, You Don’t Know Shit
It’s taken a few years, but Zoey’s comment might trump this mommyjacking in its display of earnest assholishness, which is a real feat. Congratulations on being the yin to Kara’s yang, Zoey. The world stays balanced because of people like you.
Adrienne’s cryptic-sounding status update isn’t so cryptic to her Facebook friends, who know she’s been working toward becoming a nurse for some time now. That said, becoming a nurse can’t really compare to becoming a mom, PLUS nurses get paid! What kind of BS is that? Pay nurses for knowing how to treat a stab wound to the trachea, but don’t pay moms for doing almost the exact same thing? That’s called discrimination.
3. The Dog/Baby Void
Oh, dog people. When will they ever learn that you can never fill a baby void with dogs. German Shepherds, English Bulldogs, pitbull-Jack Russell-terrier mutts…the list goes on and on. You can try to fit as many as 100 beautiful rescue pups into that baby-shaped void, but NOTHING will fill it like a human baby. It’s like trying to fit a St. Bernard into a Baby Bjorn. Not gonna happen.
4. Sun-kiss That Tan Goodbye
Aww, you got engaged and your so tan! Really adorable considering you have no idea what will happen once kids enter the picture..LOL hope you had fun with THAT. Ask yourself one question: Have you ever met a mother whose tan is even? LOL that’s what I thought!! Sucker. Just wait. :)
5. “Enjoy those day’s”
I’m considering staging an Apostrophe Intervention because my eye’s are so tired of reading plural word’s with apostrophe’s. For the love of god, if you’re going to mommyjack, do it with some class. Or, here’s a thought: Don’t do it at all, because it leads to comment threads like this one. First, Red pops in with the old, “Holy shit, NOON???”, which I can actually understand from a (non-parent) parent’s perspective. From there, however, it goes from patronizing “doll day’s” to “Ugh. Ditto on the kids.” which is *kind of* another way of saying, “Bitch, please.”
Ultimately, sleep is a parent vs. non-parent battle that will never be won. As much as it sucks that
parent’s parents never get to sleep in, it’s also sucky to begrudge a friend who doesn’t have kids for doing so. Don’t hate the sleeper, hate the nap. Or the wailing child who’s keeping you up. You know what I mean.
Don’t forget to check out my new column 'How Not To Mommyjack Your Childfriend Friends' over on Mommyish!
(submitted by Anonymous)