Hits From The Total Dumbasses File

Last week on Mommyish, I shed some light on a few of the finer examples of idiocy that were lurking in my submissions folder, and now I’m posting the complementary post in honor of Darwin Day yesterday. It takes a special kind of submission to make it to my “Total Dumbasses” file, and while I can’t put my finger on exactly what the qualifiers are, the submissions do all leave me feeling dumber. In many ways, I rely on receiving them, because they’re a nice break from all the poop and throw-up that I typically see. Reading them is like watching reality TV. I can’t explain why it feels good to numb my brain with shows about Housewives; it just does.


Plus, we all say stupid stuff on social media sometimes. We’re not always pulling out the big guns and struttin’ our A game. Some of us are bored, or tired, or drunk. But there’s a line in which a cheesy joke or a bad pun goes from “silly” to “imbecilic,” and once it’s crossed, you will be on my Dumbass Docket. Here are some more of my favorite examples: 

1. “October Fools”

Ahh. Right. October Fools. Well-played Karen. Not only did you “pull off” a 10-minute long Facebook prank surrounding a made-up holiday, but you subsequently inspired RiaRose to leave a comment that battles the woman from "I Preg." Impressive!

2. Intellectual Banter

To me, this sounds like a conversation between extremely advanced, yet emotionally average fifth graders. Fifth graders who talk about erections and labor. Anybody remember "Stupid is stupid dose"? I do.

3. Tweegram App WTF?

M. has a serious question about weaning her child off her boob obsession, so she created a Tweegram to make that shit legit. Now that it’s written in blood red type and her thoughts are properly expressed, people will take notice of her cause. If I may make a suggestion, M., if you’re reading this: Stop giving your child your boobs to fondle. Otherwise, no, she will never grow out of it, and you’ll have to provide her with your boob every night through high school. It’s probably going to get pretty awkward, especially when she has sleepovers.

count sheep smiley

4. Sanctimommy Sneak Attack

The best thing about this submission - aside from everything about Jessica’s comment - is that you’d probably think that Jessica is Marvin’s ex, and he hasn’t made the time to see their son which would be a shitty thing to do. Maybe not “rape dungeon” shitty, but still pretty terrible. However, that isn’t the case at all. Here’s what the submitter said about Marvin and Jessica’s relationship:

Marvin is friends with her husband. He doesn’t have a close relationship with the mother (and he moved to the other side of the state a few years ago), so I was kinda surprised at the vehemence she showed. It’s not every day you see a comment about a rape dungeon.”

So Jessica’s just a mommyjacking, passive-aggressive rape dungeon joke-slinging sanctimommy. I wonder if her comment inspired Marvin to make a trip to see her?

cuckoo smiley

5. Literally Unbelievable

Here’s what the submitter wrote about this “extremely confusing” submission: 

I logged on to Facebook this morning and found this delightful conversation between a bunch of casual high school leftovers. The original poster, blue, has had two kids since then, and has devoted her life to posting stuff about her kids (and anti-abortion articles) on Facebook. 

Nothing entertains me more than a comment thread full of puzzled, skeptical, or outraged people who are unfamiliar with The Onion. (Hey, it’s only been around since the ’80s.) They don’t mean to sound stupid, of course, but I have to wonder about the types of people who even remotely buy a headline about an “‘anti-abortion’ pill that kills the mother and leaves the fetus alive.” That’s crazy.

6. Evolution Gold Star

Last but not least, a fitting tribute to Darwin Day and everyone whose comments make it to the “Total Dumbasses” folder. What would we do without them? Take Amber, for instance. Her gentle reminder that evolution doesn’t exist perfectly sets up Joe’s comment, which I very much agree with. In 100,000 years, moms will be using one hand for Facebook, one hand for Pinterest, one hand to play Scrabble, one hand to change a diaper, one hand to make a peanut butter sandwich…and all while performing about a million other tasks. Thank goodness we all have something to look forward to.

 earth smiley     

To check out more submissions that were filed in the “Total Dumbass” folder (it’s totally subjective! most of the time), head over to Mommyish to read my column!

(submitted by Anonymous)

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