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Angry Parents: Ding Dong Ditch Edition
Here’s what I love about this submission: Before you even read about Brittany wanting to tear some kid a new asshole, you read a note that appears to be written by a young child. The contrast of these things makes me want to do cartwheels, because angry parents submissions cause me to both weep for humanity as well as jump for joy. Just look at that handwriting, spelling, and storytelling technique. How old could the kid who wrote this possibly be? 8? We still don’t know if there was a cup of pee!
There’s something so comically wrong with talking shit about a Girl Scout or threatening to punch neighborhood children in the face for “ding dong ditching on a Monday night.” Are mama bears really in the business of protecting their young from danger, or are they more like bloodthirsty wolves that kill for sport? The more angry parents submissions I come across (and my folder is pretty packed with laced-up lunatics), the more I think some people just want to beat up small children (or write about beating up small children on Facebook). It’s like they’re angrily fantasizing in a “safe place,” except that safe place is the internet, so they mostly look unhinged.
I mean, “Once upon a time. There was a cup of pee. The End” ? That might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Who knew bullies could be so adorable? Did the child pee into a heart-shaped bowl, too? And leave little rose petals floating on top with a votive candle? It’s practically a love letter. And then Brittany has to get all rabid on the situation and act like the kids who did this are terrorists who left burning doll heads on her front steps. It’s a damn shame. These kids were keeping it old school, and Brittany is the one who entered the digital space to bully them, sort of. Surely they’re too young to have Facebook accounts, but still, is this what we’ve come to in 2012? Kids can’t ding dong ditch their neighbors without an ornery mother exacting revenge or threatening to punch them in the face on Facebook? Maybe it’s the parents who should take lessons from the kids, and not the other way around. We’re talking about a short fairy tale about pee written on Pizza Hut stationery*. Get over it, Brittany.
*note to self: must own Pizza Hut stationery
(submitted by Anonymous)