Woe Is Mom: Stuff Parents Can’t Do

This week on Mommyish, I wrote about some things you can’t do once you’re a parent, be it because you’re a woe is mom, or because your friends are know-it-all assholes, or just because society tells you so. I’m kind of fascinated with this subject, because we see it a lot on the blog. Parents (and especially moms) can’t go on vacation, or read a book, or take a day off simply because they’re parents. There’s a combination of forces at play, some of which are self-imposed and some of which stem from outside forces telling parents they should tend to their children 24/7, because anything else is subpar.

This has had an almost comedic effect on status updates, as parents try to "impress" their friends with tales of their no-fun, risk-free lives being moms and dads. Many parents exaggerate how devoted they are to their children to the point of casting judgment on people whose lives don’t revolve around their kids, or they openly wallow in the misery that is their daily life (until they remind everybody that they’ve never been happier). The see-saw of emotions parents feel is normal, but some people really take it to the extreme. And that’s what today’s post is all about. Here are five things you should forget about doing once you’re a parent, according to Facebook: 

1. Go On Dates

Date night??? HA HA, WHAT’S THAT? Don’t make these moms punch you in the face laugh! The only "date night" any married couple should be taking is to the Fairfield Inn Marriott suites to make a baby! Besides, who wants to take “me” time or “us” time when the whole point of having a baby is to SPEND TIME WITH IT?!? Like, hello, enjoy your family! All the time! Isn’t that when you’re most relaxed? Isn’t that when you feel the most content with your life choices? If the answer is no, then you’ve got maaaaaajor problems. 

2. Make An Orange Julius

:( :( :( :( No Orange Julius for Nikki. :( The wee ones need their sleep more than Nikki needs a delicious beverage, so she’ll have to go without. Just like all those times she refrained from blow drying her hair, using the microwave, or cutting her toenails as the perfect angels slept. It’s a sacrifice, but it’s what moms have to do…

3. Shop At Your Convenience

Oh darn it all straight to heck. Those stupid Old Navy motherfuckers are so freaking annoying. Opening at 9:30AM when there are overeager moms with 20-month-olds trying to shop on the hour? Uh! Bastards. It’s like they’re trying to screw over parents or something, further proven by the fact that Vita can’t relate.

4. Watch The News

Now listen up, WPSD-TV, Eric knows that news folks tend to err on the side of sensationalism, but what he’s suggesting is that the producers think of the children. Some people happen to enjoy watching the news on television multiple times a day. Parents, for instance, might watch the news once around 5PM and then again around 10 or 11PM. And why should they - or rather, their children - be forced to endure reports about things like murder at an hour when many people are unwinding with their loved ones? Couldn’t the news report on things like the world’s largest pumpkin patch or the local bake sale during the 5 o’ clock news, and then hold the stories about rape, murder, poverty, and other “nitty-gritties” until after the kiddos are in bed? If not, all Eric is saying is that WPSD-TV may lose a 5 o’clock viewer, and that will really disappoint him. 

5. Watch The Sunset

Boooo. Babies always need comforting at the worst times. Like during sunsets, or in the middle of the night, or at the driving range. Once you become a parent, enjoying something like a sunset becomes a thing of the past. Sure, you can close your eyes and picture what a sunset looks like, or you can Google images of sunsets when you get a spare moment, but don’t plan on actually seeing one again anytime soon. It sort of comes with the territory of being a mom or a dad. Just ask Amy!

Don’t forget to check out my column on Mommyish, which includes six more examples of things you can’t do once you’re a parent, like celebrate your birthday, listen to Top 40 music, or nap in your car. 

(submitted by Anonymous)

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