This week on Mommyish, I talk about moms who reveal way too much about their bodies on social media. This topic has been covered extensively on the blog with pregnancy and labor round-ups, photos, and stuff like this, but the thing that sets the submissions in today’s post apart from the others is that these ladies expand on their updates with an extra dose of information. They’re the menu equivalent of ordering the overshare platter, with a side of overshare. (Although I’m fairly certain none of these examples will make you feel much like eating.)
After posting the link to the column on the Facebook page, a couple of people said, “Yeah, but being pregnant really is freaky and worth writing about!”, and to that I just want to say: “No.” You should not write about this stuff online unless you’re on a parenting forum or some bizarre TMI fetish site. Trust me on this.
1. Leaking Fluid
We’ve read about a hardass uterus and 8 pounds of amniotic fluid, but neither of those women described anything with the word “gushes.” Saying that you’re leaking fluid is bad enough without the extraneous mental pictures.
2. Pap Smears
This is such a weird exchange, and I’m a little embarrassed to say I don’t fully understand what Alyssa is talking about. Yes, I’m a woman myself and I’ve had pap smears, but honestly, WTF? She’s saying her growing baby was rubbing against her and it felt like a pap smear? And then she posted about it on Facebook and mentioned feeling violated? I must be a little slow with the pap smear jokes.
First, let me say that I want a baseball jersey that says “Sparklin’ Larkin” on the back, and I also want a baby tee that says “Bajinga” in a curly, Bedazzled font on the front. Aside from that, I guess this is like The Queen Queefers 2.0, with “butt pain” replacing queefing? PS: Joshua, “fluffy turds” is an affront to all fluffy things everywhere. :(
4. Cinematic Descriptions
I hope Jennifer doesn’t relay that heartfelt story every time someone comments on her baby or she’s going to find herself with very few comments on her pics. Just because someone says, “Cute baby!” doesn’t mean they want the full recap on how the baby came to be in this world. As far as Tessa is concerned, he was dropped by a stork onto a lily pad wearing a cute little onesie that said, “I’m here!” Thinking about him getting “ripped out” and hearing Jennifer’s birth experience just makes a person think of this.
5. Story Hour
Valerie didn’t get a Gold Star, but she came damn close. I don’t even know what Shanna’s talking about here, but I do enjoy the way she closes out her rant by letting everyone know that they can “feel free” to remove themselves from her page. It’s nice to get permission to do what’s only logical after being faced with a few hundred words of nonsense beginning with the description, “…had a child beat me to the color purple in my sleep.” Yikes. I hope she wakes up from that bare mattress nap with an interest in punctuation that extends beyond exclamation points.
Don’t forget to head over to Mommyish to read my column, which includes six more awkward and/or disgusting examples and a truly terrible use of the word “finger.”
(submitted by Anonymous)