After the intense reaction to yesterday’s post, I decided this week’s Mommyish column should be about “What Not To Say To Your Childfree Friend.” Interestingly, since posting that column I’ve received an email from a pregnant reader who also hears the same annoying shit all day long, so perhaps my title was off. But regardless, the purpose of the column is to call attention to something we see a lot on the blog: mommyjackers talking as though everyone in the WHOLE WORLD wants to have a baby someday (or today!) simply because the mommyjackers themselves think having kids is awesome. OR, they think it’s awesome, but they also think it sucks ass so they figure out ways to sneak in bitter parenting “jokes” alongside claims of parenthood being the best thing EVER which kind of pisses off their friends.
It’s no secret that I want kids someday myself, but these are the types of comments that would annoy anyone regardless of wanting kids or not. They’re mommyjacking at its purest, full of stupid smilies and parenthood prosthelytizing, and they serve no real purpose. So in honor of yesterday’s “babyhaters” post, I present to you five (more) examples of things parents should stop saying to their friends - childfree or not!
1. The Meaning Of Life
If you’re looking for the meaning of it all - and I don’t mean “the meaning of PowerPoint” or “the meaning of LOST”; I mean like “life” - try not to think so hard about it. It’s actually quite simple to discover the answers that you seek. Easier than one might expect, actually! All it requires is having a baby. No “clicking your heels” or “looking deep within your soul” or “peyote” necessary. Just have a baby and you will get it :)
2. Lack of Sleep
Heh, silly Moira. You want to talk about what, now? Something called “sleep”? Am I spelling it correctly? If you’re a parent, you don’t know what sleep is! Forget about experiencing what sleep feels like. No, instead of actually sleeping you’re resigned to a life of complaining about never sleeping, which - believe me - makes a person deliriously tired. Who the heck would keep a sleep journal to track how much sleep he or she gets? Parents should keep sleep journals to track the amount of sleep they’re loosing! Amirite, parents??!!
3. Wink wink
Hey, Green, you’re already a mother, which is so great, but have you thought about having more babies? SQUEE!!! Winkity wink wink winktown! Think about it! :)
4. Childfree Mama Drama
Ha ha, when was the last time you played with toys of a non-sexual nature? If you were a parent, you would get to do that! You would get to play with PUZZLES. Remember those? They’re amazing. And as a parent, you’d have the youth-extending opportunity to adore your children. They’re all yours to run after! If you don’t want to be a parent, ah, well, okay, I guess, but seriously, the little buggers keep you young. Easter bunny! Santa Claus! You get access to it all.
5. Mom In Training
Too bad you’re not a mom, Melissa, ‘cause if you were, you’d be a verified Expert Manager. You’d have eyes in the back of your head. Your arms would sprout arms, and those arms would sprout other arms so you’d have at least six sets of hands. Your feet would have a “wheels up” option, and your body would run on caffeine instead of sleep. It’s incredible really. You just hook yourself up to an IV of whatever preferred energy drink and whoooosh! You’re off like a mom to tackle the day. From the sounds of it, you’re already a mom-in-training. Good woman! Have a great day.
Signed, Cheri the Expert Manager Veteran
Don’t forget to head over to Mommyish to read my column! You’ll learn a little trick about being comfortable with human waste, even on a subway platform!
(submitted by Anonymous)