Mom’s Gold Star

I haven’t gotten much into the topic of all the stuff kids can’t eat at school these days, but for the record I’m one of those “nostalgic (almost) thirty-somethings” who think it’s a bunch of crap. It seems the “banned” list grows each year, and I can hardly keep track of what’s permitted anymore. As far as I know, this is what’s not allowed in school, especially on a kid’s birthday when s/he will likely be sharing with the rest of the class:

- Nuts (Do not ask which kind. The answer is always “ALL OF THEM, ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY???”)

- Milk (EXCEPT BREAST MILK WHICH IS LIQUID GOLD. Mothers should be breastfeeding until their babies are, as Tina Fey puts it in her book, “at their rehearsal dinner,” which means it should not be difficult for children as old as sixteen to have a nutritious snack during the day. In fact, breast milk sippies could easily replace cupcakes and cookies on birthdays. It’s healthier and tastes like strawberry milkshake!)

- Eggs (According to this, “Egg allergy usually first appears when kids are very young, and most kids outgrow it by the time they’re 5 years old.” …unless of course, YOU kill them by sending your child to school with an egg-based treat, which makes you a thoughtless murderer.)

- Homemade Lunches

- Chips, Twinkies, Mini Powdered Donuts and other such snacks (You may as well just plow into your child’s entire class with a Mack Truck. Anything that tastes remotely like Cheetos is banned. Even if it’s slices of apple that you serve with a Cheetos dipping sauce. Don’t try that because it will get you indefinitely suspended from the PTA.)

- Fruits that include the vowels “a” or “o” in their name (These have proven to reduce reading comprehension. Substitutes include kiwis, blueberries, and…that’s about it.)

- Raw meat roll-ups (I’m still trying to understand the ban on this one.) 

In other words, you should be serving cucumber slices, raw ginger, flax seed and sprouts for your child’s birthday. OR, as Stephanie points out, bourbon and cigarettes, which was actually the preferred after-school snack for children in the ’50s. Thank god *someone* knows how to keep it real. I also appreciate Daisy’s suggestion (though oranges conflict with the “fruit vowel policy,” but how was she supposed to know that?), and Annabelle’s comment, because yes, I would rather eat sludge off the floor of a prison kitchen than eat some lameass vegan cupcake or whatever the hell makes sense according to Stephanie’s school’s recommendations. 

Feeding your kids vegan cupcakes is fine, but why not allow them the pleasure of feeling superior about their eating habits when they get to be a little older? The Vegetarian Years typically start anywhere from age 15 to age 22. With that in mind, are all these bans really necessary? Can’t lactose intolerant kids just avoid dairy while the other kids indulge in delicious, milk-based cookie cake from the mall? I know there are a ton of readers who are going to explain to me just how fucked up it is that I would even suggest that, because some allergies are so severe that children are capable of having seizures or going into cardiac arrest or growing nine arms and stabbing their peers with No. 2 pencils, but really, I just think it all sounds a bit much.

Congrats to Stephanie for making light of such annoying modern circumstances. I hope all the children in her kid’s class like Maker’s Mark!

Related: Peanut Allergy

(submitted by Anonymous)

Related Posts Plugin