February 2012
29 posts
1 tag
Current Events // BirthdayJacking Edition
School shootings are sad. Frowny face sad. SO sad. But why dwell? According to the submitter, Orange is planning a rainbow-themed birthday party for her daughter just on the heels of Pink’s daughter’s rainbow-themed birthday party which was last weekend, so *obviously* they’ve got a lot of stuff to talk about. Like cupcakes and test...
1 tag
Mom’s Gold Star
As a music and technology lover, I appreciate this thread of goofy pretentiousness. Jill’s point seems to be, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, who else can you laugh at? Oh right. Your children. Hahaha!” And I dig that about her. Plus, what could be more outdated than plastic Fisher Price CDs? 8-Tracks?
Sure, it’s a little twee, but I like a...
1 tag
DeathJacking: MOMA Edition
If Maureen’s nephew is old enough to have a two-year-old, one can assume that Maureen might be eligible for an AARP card. That’s not to say that people over the age of 50 have poor communication skills on Facebook, but just that Maureen might not be a spring chicken. That said, Laura did begin her status update by saying, “I miss my Mama something...
Angry Parents
Earlier this week, as I was pondering the definition of dick-snot, it occurred to me that now might be a good time to roll out a new category called Angry Parents. Over the years we’ve seen a lot of angry parents on the blog, but many of them conveniently fit into other categories like “Language Butchery” or “Sanctimommy” or “Holiday Lunatics.” Still,...
1 tag
MommyJacking: Ash Wednesday Edition
In honor of Ash Wednesday, I present a couple of “lite” mommyjackings. Because no religious observance or holiday can go by without a hijacking or two, amirite? Why should Jessica get to announce giving up Facebook for Lent (which, let’s be honest, is so 2009) without hearing about how that timeline coincides with Audrey’s due date?
...
1 tag
The literary devices being employed by Green are upsetting me. From the “poop soup” rhyme to the ham hock analogy to the “daily special”-style recipe, I fear the kid-related updates that Green is capable of writing. What’s next? A lullaby about floaters sung to the tune of ‘Day Is Done’? A Mother Goose nursery rhyme about rubber duckies drowning in...
1 tag
Story Hour - PSYCHOTIC BITCH Edition
Well, it would appear that Joy isn’t living up to her name here. She’s managed to stun, impress and confuse me with her rant, but after reading it twice I can safely say that she’s feeling anything but joyful. If I had to sum up Joy in one word, it would probably be “murderous.” And over what exactly? We do not know. All we know...
1 tag
1 tag
The Potty Factor
Since starting the blog, certain forms of parent overshare have become “the norm.” Posting sonograms, setting up an account profile for a talking fetus, and live-tweeting one’s own labor have all become somewhat commonplace, as have potty pictures and potty training updates about toddlers. I don’t even know how many potty pictures I’ve posted over the years, but...
1 tag
Ah, that’s right. Pink must have forgotten about the parent clause. It’s quite easy to forget since it’s only known to parents, and considering Pink doesn’t have any kids, how was she supposed to know?
For the uninitiated - i.e. people who don’t have kids and therefore don’t know what they’re talking about - the parent clause in grocery store parking...
1 tag
Valentine's Day '12: Mom's Gold Star
Let’s end Valentine’s Day on a positive note, you guys. Or at least with a laugh, since Scott’s post isn’t entirely positive. I just love his determination to convince his non-parent friends that a living room covered in plastic children’s toys is less-than-ideal (as if anyone needs convincing). You can tell he probably grits his teeth through Monday Night Football...
1 tag
Valentine's Day 2012: MommyJacking Edition
I always expect to get a few standard mommyjacking submissions around holidays. You know, the old, “Just wait until you have a baby! Christmas has a whole new meaning!” or, “Just wait until you have a baby! Halloween has a whole new meaning!” or, ”Just wait until you have a baby! Good Friday has a whole new meaning!” Those are typical, which is why I...
1 tag
Valentine's Day 2012: Poop Edition
What is it about holidays and poop that go hand-in-hand? Around Christmas, there are “Christmas poos” and “lumps of coal.” Around St. Patrick’s Day there are “green poops,” and around Valentine’s Day there are disgusting jokes about “chocolate.”
I don’t know why some parents find this all so hysterical. Or rather, I don’t...
1 tag
Valentine's Day '12: A Mother's Love
As promised, I’ve compiled a special tribute to “a mother’s love” today in honor of both the holiday and my special Valentine’s Day Mommyish column. For regular readers, you know when I say “a mother’s love” I mean “some weird Jocasta/Oedipus shit” like this and this. I do think it’s pretty normal (though I’m not a personal...
1 tag
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Finally, the day has arrived when you can indulge in any amount of chocolate - or placenta - as long as it’s shaped like a heart. What’s not to love about that?!
Today is going to be full of treats (although not all will be as scrumptious as the above), including a special Valentine’s Day Mommyish column a day early + my complementary...
1 tag
Valentine's Day 2012: Sex Edition
I posted a couple of sexytime submissions in the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day for two reasons. One is that they fit the description of what I consider to be “parent overshare.” The last thing I want to see on Facebook is an update about my friend preparing for a little doggy style action (or doggie, if you’re more of a Chihuahua in the sack) to help induce labor. The...
1 tag
Valentine's Day 2012: Hearts Edition
GAWWWWW. How sweet is this? So sweet, in fact, that I had to ask the submitter if Stephen was being serious. The submitter assured me that Stephen is totes being serious, which amuses me and also makes me feel bad. I don’t mean to mock such heartfelt sentiment, really I don’t. Sure, I laughed at these tattoos and called them the lowest forms of art, and I might’ve made fun of...
1 tag
DivaJacking: R.I.P. Whitney Houston
Here we go again. I will never understand why some parents feel the urge to mention a celebrity’s death in relation to their child and/or parenting. What is it about tragedy that needs to be trumped by a parent’s sage wisdom or a child’s potty “gem”? In my mind, these things do not go together. Whitney Houston and...
1 tag
Valentine's Day 2012: Love Edition
And so it begins. Another excuse for me to rid my inbox of weird submissions related to love, sex, poop and hearts fashioned out of birth cords. Starting today through Tuesday, it’s a Valentine’s Day celebration on the blog! ❤
For the first in a series of “themed” posts, I wanted to talk a little bit about love. Parents have an abundance of love for their children, which...
1 tag
Mom’s Gold Star
I love this guy. He seems like the kind of person who lets simple pleasures dictate his mood. After a long, hard work week, Dan can kick back with a brewski or perhaps a refreshing glass of peach tea and soak in the goodness that is his life. It doesn’t matter if he was stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic for an hour on the way home. Did he make it there safely? Well,...
1 tag
Woe Is Mom
This submission had me at “Being psychic.” There’s a certain adolescent satisfaction one gets from saying, “What am I, psychic?!!!” that must have inspired Rachel’s phrasing, and it makes her sound all the more ridiculous. I’m surprised she didn’t write her rant in the third person. That’s the only thing missing from this Tale Of...
This week on Mommyish, I tackle The Great Breastfeeding Photo Debate on Facebook. It’s a lively, controversial and never-ending debate that finally broke me after I received upwards of three-hundred million emails about the nurse-ins planned or staged to take place this week (on Monday or Tuesday) outside of Facebook offices around the world. I also received this Boobie Beanie an equal...
1 tag
1 tag
First Target got in big trouble (with one person) by creating an ad in which a carseat strap was demonstrated ENTIRELY wrong, and now this. I swear, I’ll be surprised if Target is even in business this time next year if they keep up this insanity. I mean, the carseat thing was a HUGE deal since advertising is seen by thousands of people, and thousands of people are idiots soo, Target =...
1 tag
MommyJacking: Cancer V. Preeclampsia Edition
According to the submitter, “Deana is single, a teacher, probably about 30 and has been battling skin cancer for the past year.” According to me, in light of hearing/confirming this, I really think Sara and Shannon owe Deana an apology. I don’t mean to get all “sensitive blogger” about it, but skin cancer is serious...
1 tag
The Super Bowl Happened...
…and because I was out drinking a cold one with friends like a REAL goddamn American, I didn’t post about it before the game. But I did receive a couple of submissions related to it in case anyone still cares. For those who do - particularly those who enjoy watching the game and kicking back with friends to eat delicious foods like Frito pie - please do read on.
Granted, at least...
1 tag
Mom’s Gold Star
I haven’t gotten much into the topic of all the stuff kids can’t eat at school these days, but for the record I’m one of those “nostalgic (almost) thirty-somethings” who think it’s a bunch of crap. It seems the “banned” list grows each year, and I can hardly keep track of what’s permitted anymore. As far as I know, this...
1 tag
Cold & Flu Season Updates Are Making Me Sick
This week on Mommyish, I switch up the usual content for a rant that’s near and dear to my…stomach. Ever since mid-December, I’ve been getting submissions related to illness, and with illness comes some pretty disgusting stuff. A few have made me downright queasy, particularly when they involve vivid descriptions, photos of what can only be deemed as Viscous Horror (a personal...