Last Sunday was Father’s Day, and in honor of the occasion I dedicated my Mommyish column to Gold Star Dads the same way I dedicated my Mother’s Day column (and blog post) to Gold Star-winning Moms. I like this tradition of giving props, because Gold Star submissions are fun to read and intrinsically good-natured. The post I’m putting up after this one is pretty much the opposite of those things, so enjoy the laughs while you can. Here are the top picks for this year’s Dad’s Gold Star Father’s Day (well, post-Father’s Day) Round-Up:

1. DIY Card

Once again, I find an excuse to cite Swingy Dong and his best mate Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong. I will never tire of this. (Sorry.) Zachary’s card is legendary and is exactly why handmade cards are 1000% better than Hallmark cards. Hallmark doesn’t make cards about the “sword bond” between fathers and sons, probably for legal reasons, which leaves a major gap in the marketplace. Thankfully, Zachary took matters into his own hands (so to speak) and found a way to convey to his dad how much he really cares. I hope this year’s card is as frame-worthy as this one. The kid’s got a great future ahead of him, either as a controversial cartoonist or as a pornographic knight. 

2. Discount Surprise

This submission actually made me L out L. Brian is the kind of dad who takes an unwanted iPhone purchase made by a toddler and turns it into a funny joke that inspires other funny jokes. Why can’t everyone on Facebook be like this? I don’t know what Brian looks like, but I’m guessing “The Rachel” (with highlights!) is going to look fabulous on him. (FYI the Wiki page for “The Rachel” is very informative.)

Every now and then, I get a Gold Star submission that requires me to show a baby’s face (or head) as a punchline. I don’t feel badly about this, mostly because every example I’ve posted has been amazing, but I’m not sure any has made me smile in earnest the way this one does. Even in light of the relentless hipster mustache craze, which I typically mock with all of my being, I found this picture funny. The submitter’s email said, “A friend of my brother’s just had a baby… Or a middle aged man. You be the judge!”, and I was surprisingly won over. 

This picture makes me so happy in its simplicity, especially since he really would look like Teddy Roosevelt with a monocle — which is precisely what sent me into a 20-minute clipart frenzy of decorating this baby’s face like my life depended on it. I have no regrets. I love this mustache baby and wish more babies had thick, creepy-uncle or man-with-a-van mustaches because it would be extremely entertaining. 

You think your Facebook friends want to see your newborn propped up on an alpaca blanket or “holding” a pair of wedding bands in their hands? They don’t — at least not compared to this. Save your high-end photographer dollars and just buy a pack of stick-on, felt facial hair clippings. Everyone wins! 

Congrats to Jamie and Lindy on their Gold Star and their presidential baby. This (recent) submission is from a while ago, so I’m guessing by now the baby looks more like a toddler Teddy Roosevelt and walks with a stick.

Related: Michael Jackson Impersonators 

(submitted by Anonymous)

Since I’ve been focusing so much time on the “STFU, Parents” book lately, I’ve had reading on the brain. It got me thinking about the great Mom’s Gold Star submissions that I’ve received about reading and writing, and how I don’t really do enough to promote those things on the blog. I spend plenty of time talking about poor spelling and making fun of language butchery and yoonique names, but what about the good submissions I receive?

This picture couldn’t be funnier if it was staged. And frankly, I wouldn’t care if it was. Something about watching kids “play” with books before they can even read them warms my heart. Whether they’re chewing on them, shitting on them, or sleeping with them, you get the impression that those are the kids who are going to appreciate reading and writing when they’re older.

Considering my mother taught English for close to 30 years, “rough giraffe” may be the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. Move over, “Porn Gravy.” There’s some new made-up terminology in town, and it sounds like this. 

Last but not least, let’s take the blog full-circle, shall we? A little over four years ago, my real life friend Leigh helped to inspire this blog and wound up being the first screenshot I ever posted (and without commentary! Clearly I had no blogging direction whatsoever.) Leigh’s is the only post from my personal friends list on the blog that’s not in the Gold Star category, and while it would never make the cut today, I’ll always think of it fondly. Anyway, a few months ago, she posted this on Facebook:

I’m not just saying this because she’s my friend, but that was a brave stunt that Leigh pulled. She swooped in like some kind of Reading Superhero that appears when the “bad guys” stand in the way of children reading. When I read her status update I was like, “Oh, damn,” because I’m not sure I’d have had the balls to do the same thing. 

So kudos, Leigh! Thanks for being a “reading activist” and showing that mother what an asshole she was being (even though she probably didn’t realize it at all and just thinks you’re an elitist bookworm). Congrats to Gretchen and Leah on their Gold Stars, too! Funny jokes about books are always welcome around these parts.

Related: The Giving Tree

(submitted by Anonymous)