This week on Mommyish, I wrote about when it’s not cool to post pictures of your crying kids online. After the internet warmly embraced Reasons My Son Is Crying last week, I started going through my “Crying Kids” folder to compare those submissions with the concept of the blog. What is it about Reasons My Son Is Crying that seems so funny and relatable, while other pictures of crying kids on Facebook seem so cruel and depressing? The dad who started the blog said that the concept originated on Facebook, and I was trying to imagine if I would feel differently about the pictures if they weren’t compiled on a funny blog.

I’ve received a fair number of awkward crying submissions, and most of the time the submitter says something like, “This seems mean,” or, “I’m sooo glad my parents didn’t do this to me.” Because crying is a vulnerable state for adults, but a natural state for kids, there’s a weird disparity between funny crying pictures and shitty crying pictures. Is the person crying for a stupid reason, or a real reason? Did he lose his sock in the dryer, or did his dog just get hit by a car? These things matter, people. 

Here are a few examples of pictures parents shouldn’t post on Facebook (especially now that Reasons My Son Is Crying is a hit; don’t be that asshole who rides coattails by posting sad pictures of your children sobbing, THANKS!!).

1. Trapped In the Closet Underneath the Couch

Whew! I’m glad Dawn managed to locate her son underneath her couch, but um, couldn’t she have gotten him out from under there before grabbing her phone to take a quick picture? This kid doesn’t seem like he’s in the mood to get his photo taken:

I mean, if it were ME, I’d rather my mom just drag me out from under there than capture the moment and post about it online, but who knows what Trevor is thinking? I don’t want to jump to conclusions. Maybe he’s thrilled about it?

2. Mean Mama

Ha ha ha, “mean mama.” What a goof. Just look at the expression on that adorable wittle baby’s face. One day, Mr. Crybaby is going to grow up and appreciate this hysterical picture. Assuming he didn’t topple out of the refrigerator and get a concussion or something. :) Fortunately, it appears as though he had a pretty firm grip on the refrigerator shelf. :P 

The next time mean mama’s bored she can just shove him in the freezer to see how he likes it in there! Ha ha, whatever gets people’s attention on Instagram. ;D Not everyone has time to doll up their child in a string bean costume and prop him on the vegetable rack at the grocery store, okay? Some people have to make do with what they have. =^)

3. Teaching Lessons

Awww, how sweet is this? A horrible crazyperson named Traci decided to shave her daughter’s head as punishment and then posted a picture of her crying for the whole world to see. Now THAT’S what I call hands-on parenting. You guys can’t see it, but Traci’s daughter’s eyes are totally filled with tears and regret in this picture, fully expressing with one look what an excellent disciplinarian Traci is and what an utter moron she feels like for trimming her own bangs. Now she has to walk around looking like a cancer patient or one of those shivering hairless dogs! Serves her little punk ass right for not following Mother’s Orders!

Great job, Traci. You not only cut off all of your child’s hair against her wishes, but you also showed off your photography skills by taking such an emotional picture. Talk about “Mom of the Year” material. Operant conditioning like this certainly puts a person in the running for such awards. Fingers crossed!

To check out more examples of Facebook parents who posted pictures of their kids crying just to be heartless bastards, check out my column over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Ah, yes, the old story of the apple that turned into a tattoo. It’s as old as apples and tattoos themselves! You see, a long time ago, in a land far, far away called Louisiana, there was a woman named Mindy. And Mindy’s adorable little girl took a few bites from an apple, just as cute as they could be. Mindy glanced over at the apple’s tiny holes and thought, “Those bite marks represent everything I love about my daughter. They’re perfect in every way. I must never forget this moment or this apple.” 

Then, suddenly, a wave of what some say was delusion but what Mindy called a mother’s intuition came over her. Sure, apples rot; they get brown and moldy and they’re not good forever. Like people, they begin to shrivel up and assault the human senses as time goes by. But, what if things didn’t have to be that way? What if a moment could be captured forever? Like with a camera, or a painting? Or maybe with ink that’s etched into your skin? How timeless would that be??

Mindy had to make this dream a reality. After all, what are dreams for if you never bring them to life? She had a vision, and she acted on it with the determination of a mom. Just like her daughter bit into that apple with the vivacious zeal of a hungry toddler, Mindy took a bite out of life and scooted right over to her local tattoo parlor.

Well, you heard the woman. She couldn’t bear to part with this special fruit, so she got a picture of it tattooed on her ribs. Mindy and the fruit were destined to be together, and she recognized that from the moment her sweet little 2-year-old bit into that shiny red apple.

And if you’ve got a problem with Mindy’s choice to get a picture of an apple that her daughter ate tattooed on her body, then you should take that problem on down the road, friend. Because even if Mindy *is* acting a little obsessive, it’s a perfectly healthy obsession for her to have. Haha, get it? Because it’s an apple??? 

Okay, let’s check out this Red Delicious artwork to see how the story ends:

Last week on Mommyish, I shed some light on a few of the finer examples of idiocy that were lurking in my submissions folder, and now I’m posting the complementary post in honor of Darwin Day yesterday. It takes a special kind of submission to make it to my “Total Dumbasses” file, and while I can’t put my finger on exactly what the qualifiers are, the submissions do all leave me feeling dumber. In many ways, I rely on receiving them, because they’re a nice break from all the poop and throw-up that I typically see. Reading them is like watching reality TV. I can’t explain why it feels good to numb my brain with shows about Housewives; it just does.

Plus, we all say stupid stuff on social media sometimes. We’re not always pulling out the big guns and struttin’ our A game. Some of us are bored, or tired, or drunk. But there’s a line in which a cheesy joke or a bad pun goes from “silly” to “imbecilic,” and once it’s crossed, you will be on my Dumbass Docket. Here are some more of my favorite examples: 

1. “October Fools”

Ahh. Right. October Fools. Well-played Karen. Not only did you “pull off” a 10-minute long Facebook prank surrounding a made-up holiday, but you subsequently inspired RiaRose to leave a comment that battles the woman from “I Preg.” Impressive!

2. Intellectual Banter

To me, this sounds like a conversation between extremely advanced, yet emotionally average fifth graders. Fifth graders who talk about erections and labor. Anybody remember “Stupid is stupid dose”? I do.