Story Hour - PSYCHOTIC BITCH Edition

Well, it would appear that Joy isn’t living up to her name here. She’s managed to stun, impress and confuse me with her rant, but after reading it twice I can safely say that she’s feeling anything but joyful. If I had to sum up Joy in one word, it would probably be “murderous.” And over what exactly? We do not know. All we know is the person on the receiving end of this PSYCHOTIC BITCH’s rage is a dick-snot with a big fucking cocksucker [Ed. note: !!!]. And that Joy apparently uses Facebook as a way to communicate her raw emotions to the world. Why vent to someone when you can vent to everyone?

Besides, Joy isn’t expressing her anger in a vacuum; her voice represents MOTHERS everywhere. She’s just saying what every MOTHER has wanted to say to all the ‘douche bags’ who tell MOTHERS how to RAISE THEIR CHILDREN. Which is to shut their stupid cocksuckers, because MOTHERS are going to raise their kids however they see fit THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH! It’s like the MOTHERS are SHOUTING but the douche bags aren’t LISTENING. EVEN WHEN MOTHERS YELL, THE LOUDMOUTH COCKSUCKERS DON’T FUCKING LISTEN!

Related: Language Butchery - Bitchez Edition and Story Hour Edition

Also Related: Mama Drama - Asses On Blast Edition

(submitted by Anonymous)

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Story Hour

I think it’s safe to say that Madelyne “liked” all of her own comments, considering she “liked” the original status update. Which is to say that Madelyne’s self-perception is probably very different from my perception of her. In her mind, people really want to know that she and her kids “reaxed a little bit” before she “vaccummed,” but in my mind, girl be crazy. Who needs to know this much detail about another person’s day? Shit, I don’t even remember this much of my own day. Once I’ve eaten lunch I’m pretty much checked out for the afternoon, so don’t bother asking how my morning commute was. I don’t care, and I probably don’t remember.

Madelyn’s story hour updates remind me of moms like Amanda who take the time to list every single thing they do in a day. Hot damn it looks like we all do a lot if we write everything out. Like just now, I got up, opened a window, walked into the kitchen, debated over whether to eat a pint of fudge brownie ice cream or a few handfuls of raw cashews, kneeled down and said hello to my cat (which may or may not have turned into a 5-minute discussion about the nutritional value of hairballs), contemplated knocking back a shot of Maker’s Mark, AND THEN I shuffled all the way back to the living room and thought about how productive I was, and now I’m actually a little pooped! Kind of like this lady, who never gets a break: 

Michelle and Shannon, you’re both awesome. 

Related: ONLY 15 MONTHS OLD!!! and Laundry Story Hour

(submitted by Anonymous)

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Story Hour Round-Up

For this week’s column on Mommyish, I put together a post of my favorite (new) Story Hour submissions. There are so many different types! And yet they all have one thing in common: Parents who don’t know when to STFU. (Or, parents who know exactly when to STFU, but don’t. Life isn’t always fair, people!)

To expand on my love of Story Hour, I’ve chosen the most entertaining examples from my massive folder o’ submissions for a little round-up. So pour yourself a tall glass of vodka something cold, sit back and try to take in all of this shit without saying, “What the fuck?!?!?” out loud. I DARE YOU. 

Let us begin.

1. The Constant Updater AKA CRAZY PERSON

If I were Ana’s friend, I would write a message on her Wall as follows:

9:07 notice that my friend Ana has posted a freaking novel about her morning on Facebook. 9:12 finish reading Ana’s novel and consider banging my head on a brick wall. 9:13 decide against banging my head on a brick wall and opt for several consecutive shots of rum whiskey instead. 9:16 take a long, hard look in the mirror and wonder who my friends have become while reminiscing about the good old days. 9:19 de-friend Ana. 9:20 do a happy dance. 9:21 take myself out for tacos.

2.  The Bore

This is what I just read, “Blah blah blah strollers. Blah blah blah $300.00. Blah blah blah Babies R Us. Blah blah blah that’s not how you spell “sleeker.” Blah blah blah opinions?” zzZZZzZZzzzz

3. The Gross-Out

"If you have kids nothing is TMI anymore!" WRONG. That is wrong. Whoever thinks it’s perfectly fine to post on the internet about a PIECE OF POOP that was stuck to her DAUGHTER’S BUTT and wound up getting LEFT ON THE FLOOR has got maaaaaaajor problems. This is not up for debate. We are in Factville, population: Jennifer and Elizabeth.

4. The Comedian Comedienne 

I know it seems like a funny idea to write letters to your fetus or your newborn or Baby Jesus or your “old tummy,” but it’s still more info than your friends want to know. Starting a status update with “Dear” isn’t usually a great idea for precisely that reason. Do I think Lyndsay has a good sense of humor? Sure. But did I cringe when I read “like the tigger balloon after the Macy’s day parade”??? Ummm YES. YES, I DID. We’re talking about a grossly enlarged version of this, you guys. Not a pleasant visual.

Head over to Mommyish to see more of my favorite examples of Story Hour, including one about a “cord scab!” Ughhh.

(submitted by Anonymous)

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