For this week’s column on Mommyish, I put together a post of my favorite (new) Story Hour submissions. There are so many different types! And yet they all have one thing in common: Parents who don’t know when to STFU. (Or, parents who know exactly when to STFU, but don’t. Life isn’t always fair, people!)
To expand on my love of Story Hour, I’ve chosen the most entertaining examples from my massive folder o’ submissions for a little round-up. So pour yourself a tall glass of
vodka something cold, sit back and try to take in all of this shit without saying, “What the fuck?!?!?” out loud. I DARE YOU.
Let us begin.
1. The Constant Updater AKA CRAZY PERSON
If I were Ana’s friend, I would write a message on her Wall as follows:
9:07 notice that my friend Ana has posted a freaking novel about her morning on Facebook. 9:12 finish reading Ana’s novel and consider banging my head on a brick wall. 9:13 decide against banging my head on a brick wall and opt for several consecutive shots of
rum whiskey instead. 9:16 take a long, hard look in the mirror and wonder who my friends have become while reminiscing about the good old days. 9:19 de-friend Ana. 9:20 do a happy dance. 9:21 take myself out for tacos.
2. The Bore
This is what I just read, “Blah blah blah strollers. Blah blah blah $300.00. Blah blah blah Babies R Us. Blah blah blah that’s not how you spell “sleeker.” Blah blah blah opinions?” zzZZZzZZzzzz
3. The Gross-Out
“If you have kids nothing is TMI anymore!” WRONG. That is wrong. Whoever thinks it’s perfectly fine to post on the internet about a PIECE OF POOP that was stuck to her DAUGHTER’S BUTT and wound up getting LEFT ON THE FLOOR has got maaaaaaajor problems. This is not up for debate. We are in Factville, population: Jennifer and Elizabeth.
I know it seems like a funny idea to write letters to your fetus or your newborn or Baby Jesus or your “old tummy,” but it’s still more info than your friends want to know. Starting a status update with “Dear” isn’t usually a great idea for precisely that reason. Do I think Lyndsay has a good sense of humor? Sure. But did I cringe when I read “like the tigger balloon after the Macy’s day parade”??? Ummm YES. YES, I DID. We’re talking about a grossly enlarged version of this, you guys. Not a pleasant visual.
Head over to Mommyish to see more of my favorite examples of Story Hour, including one about a “cord scab!” Ughhh.
(submitted by Anonymous)