Since I’ve been focusing so much time on the “STFU, Parents” book lately, I’ve had reading on the brain. It got me thinking about the great Mom’s Gold Star submissions that I’ve received about reading and writing, and how I don’t really do enough to promote those things on the blog. I spend plenty of time talking about poor spelling and making fun of language butchery and yoonique names, but what about the good submissions I receive?

This picture couldn’t be funnier if it was staged. And frankly, I wouldn’t care if it was. Something about watching kids “play” with books before they can even read them warms my heart. Whether they’re chewing on them, shitting on them, or sleeping with them, you get the impression that those are the kids who are going to appreciate reading and writing when they’re older.

Considering my mother taught English for close to 30 years, “rough giraffe” may be the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. Move over, “Porn Gravy.” There’s some new made-up terminology in town, and it sounds like this. 

Last but not least, let’s take the blog full-circle, shall we? A little over four years ago, my real life friend Leigh helped to inspire this blog and wound up being the first screenshot I ever posted (and without commentary! Clearly I had no blogging direction whatsoever.) Leigh’s is the only post from my personal friends list on the blog that’s not in the Gold Star category, and while it would never make the cut today, I’ll always think of it fondly. Anyway, a few months ago, she posted this on Facebook:

I’m not just saying this because she’s my friend, but that was a brave stunt that Leigh pulled. She swooped in like some kind of Reading Superhero that appears when the “bad guys” stand in the way of children reading. When I read her status update I was like, “Oh, damn,” because I’m not sure I’d have had the balls to do the same thing. 

So kudos, Leigh! Thanks for being a “reading activist” and showing that mother what an asshole she was being (even though she probably didn’t realize it at all and just thinks you’re an elitist bookworm). Congrats to Gretchen and Leah on their Gold Stars, too! Funny jokes about books are always welcome around these parts.

Related: The Giving Tree

(submitted by Anonymous)

As we approach the end of this year’s holiday coverage (next post!), I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to dole out one last Mom’s Gold Star in 2012. Let’s give it up for people like Danielle who post funny pictures of their kids being both adorable and moronic, because they make the blog a happier place to be. Chloe’s candy canes decoration speaks to me, actually, because it’s something that I would have done as a child, not out of apathy but because kids are stupid. And while I’m not a big fan of “kid-shaming,” sometimes it’s important to celebrate that age-appropriate stupidity, because with any luck, they won’t be as stupid by the next year. 

I know, I know — I’m getting all sentimental. But hey, it’s the holidays! 

Congratulations, Danielle, on winning the final Gold Star of the year. Your tree looks hilarious and tasty!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Mom’s Gold Star

I enjoy this submission because it shows that Jen is willing to do whatever it takes to get her kids off her back. Mason wants to go to Burger King? Can’t, it’s on fire. How about a fun trip to the zoo? Ahh, unfortunately all of the animals died in a tragic stampede. Maybe a slice of pizza at Chuck E. Cheese? NOPE, that franchise has turned into a bunch of violence-prone bars. (OK, that one is mostly true.) It’s so easy to lie to children to get your way as an adult, why not take advantage of warping those precious minds before they start forming intelligent thought and conspire against you? 

Congrats on winning this week’s Gold Star, Jen! I only ask that you not reverse your decision to lie to your children. Lies help children grow up to be big and strong. That said, the next time the kids want to eat Burger King, just tell them that their dreams will be haunted by this guy. You won’t even really be lying. 

(submitted by Anonymous)