Mom’s Gold Star Round-Up: Back-To-School Edition

Last week on Mommyish, my back-to-school column was more cheerful than usual. In past years, I’ve highlighted sanctimommies and mommyjackers (as well as noting the ridiculousness of locker chandeliers and bitches who complain about "buying school supplies for children whose parents are on welfare"), but this year I toasted to the new academic year with Gold Star-worthy parents who are supremely excited that school is finally back in session.

So in that spirit, this post is a back-to-school celebration of kids’ drawings and schoolwork. We’ve been charmed before by the likes of Swingy Dong and Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong, and we were impressed with Porn Gravy, but this post is a veritable gallery of self-expression. The following kids have a real future ahead of them. Doing what, I don’t know, but I enjoy their work.

1. Caillou Coloring Book

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Remember that Caillou post I put up a while back? Parents were pissed off that old episodes of the kids show Caillou were being billed as “new,” especially since the earlier seasons of the show were so whiny and annoying? Well, now we have confirmation that at least one kid feels the same way:

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This kid is like the Banksy of the coloring book scene. I don’t think *Pink should bother disciplining him. When something sucks, it sucks. He’s early to question authority, so she must be raising him right. I would absolutely consider hanging this work of art in my home.

*Update: Pink has introduced herself and can be read right here!

2. The Little Merman

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This drawing is clearly an exploration of Disney and gender. Jason and Jenna’s daughter has a gift for bringing this important issue to the surface with her simple and childlike art. By drawing Ariel’s tail to look like a massive penis, this piece screams “non-comformity” while sending a strong message to Disney executives that children will not be manipulated by heteronormative cartoons. No, they will not.

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Back-To-School 2013 // Click (twice) to enlarge
Over the years, and especially since Unbaby.me came along, more parents have tried to limit the number of pictures they post of their kids on Facebook. I’ve had friends post baby pictures with captions like “Last one!” or with disclaimers like “Warning: Huge family vacation album!” that sound almost apologetic. And yet, despite the anxiety some parents now feel about posting “too many” kid pictures online, the one picture no parent feels guilty posting is the First Day Of School Picture (or FDOSP). While the overall number of kid photos being posted on Facebook has probably gone down, the chances of parents posting at least one FDOSP have gone wayyy up.
Personally, I don’t mind back-to-school pictures. I “Like” my friends’ updates, and I enjoy seeing pictures of their kids with their oversized backpacks and cute outfits. But there’s no question you could turn the month of August into a back-to-school pics drinking game. Mondays (like today) are big FDOSP days on Facebook, although any day after August 7th is a day that kids who are in the same school district will appear in your newsfeed, standing on lawns or driveways or next to idling minivans. It’s likely those FDOSPs that inspired Jamie’s status update, even though she’s pregnant right now herself, because what parent with toddler-aged kids or older isn’t talking about back-to-school on Facebook right now?
Still, Jamie’s tongue-in-cheek joke flew over the heads of *15* of her friends, none of whom considered just how little she (or anyone) is interested in such details. Do people care that their friends’ kids started a new school year? Sure, but only as much as anyone cares that a friend got a work promotion or bought a new house. It’s great information, no doubt, and it’s a milestone for parents and children, but not so much so that Jamie’s update should be interpreted as sincere. Only Tiana got the joke. Everyone else needs a lesson in Sarcasm 101. Especially Kimberly.

Related: Bourbon and Cigarettes and Days of School

Back-To-School 2013 // Click (twice) to enlarge

Over the years, and especially since Unbaby.me came along, more parents have tried to limit the number of pictures they post of their kids on Facebook. I’ve had friends post baby pictures with captions like “Last one!” or with disclaimers like “Warning: Huge family vacation album!” that sound almost apologetic. And yet, despite the anxiety some parents now feel about posting “too many” kid pictures online, the one picture no parent feels guilty posting is the First Day Of School Picture (or FDOSP). While the overall number of kid photos being posted on Facebook has probably gone down, the chances of parents posting at least one FDOSP have gone wayyy up.

Personally, I don’t mind back-to-school pictures. I “Like” my friends’ updates, and I enjoy seeing pictures of their kids with their oversized backpacks and cute outfits. But there’s no question you could turn the month of August into a back-to-school pics drinking game. Mondays (like today) are big FDOSP days on Facebook, although any day after August 7th is a day that kids who are in the same school district will appear in your newsfeed, standing on lawns or driveways or next to idling minivans. It’s likely those FDOSPs that inspired Jamie’s status update, even though she’s pregnant right now herself, because what parent with toddler-aged kids or older isn’t talking about back-to-school on Facebook right now?

Still, Jamie’s tongue-in-cheek joke flew over the heads of *15* of her friends, none of whom considered just how little she (or anyone) is interested in such details. Do people care that their friends’ kids started a new school year? Sure, but only as much as anyone cares that a friend got a work promotion or bought a new house. It’s great information, no doubt, and it’s a milestone for parents and children, but not so much so that Jamie’s update should be interpreted as sincere. Only Tiana got the joke. Everyone else needs a lesson in Sarcasm 101. Especially Kimberly.

Related: Bourbon and Cigarettes and Days of School

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Dad’s Gold Star Round-Up!

Last Sunday was Father’s Day, and in honor of the occasion I dedicated my Mommyish column to Gold Star Dads the same way I dedicated my Mother’s Day column (and blog post) to Gold Star-winning Moms. I like this tradition of giving props, because Gold Star submissions are fun to read and intrinsically good-natured. The post I’m putting up after this one is pretty much the opposite of those things, so enjoy the laughs while you can. Here are the top picks for this year’s Dad’s Gold Star Father’s Day (well, post-Father’s Day) Round-Up:

1. DIY Card

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Once again, I find an excuse to cite Swingy Dong and his best mate Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong. I will never tire of this. (Sorry.) Zachary’s card is legendary and is exactly why handmade cards are 1000% better than Hallmark cards. Hallmark doesn’t make cards about the “sword bond” between fathers and sons, probably for legal reasons, which leaves a major gap in the marketplace. Thankfully, Zachary took matters into his own hands (so to speak) and found a way to convey to his dad how much he really cares. I hope this year’s card is as frame-worthy as this one. The kid’s got a great future ahead of him, either as a controversial cartoonist or as a pornographic knight. 

2. Discount Surprise

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This submission actually made me L out L. Brian is the kind of dad who takes an unwanted iPhone purchase made by a toddler and turns it into a funny joke that inspires other funny jokes. Why can’t everyone on Facebook be like this? I don’t know what Brian looks like, but I’m guessing "The Rachel" (with highlights!) is going to look fabulous on him. (FYI the Wiki page for “The Rachel” is very informative.)

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