Let’s Get To Know Some Mama Bears

I’ve made no secret of my burgeoning appreciation for mothers who identify as “Mama Bears,” so it’s high time I devoted an entire post AND a column to all the ursine mamas (and papas, though there aren’t as many on social media) who are out there ripping shit up on the daily. It isn’t easy being a mama bear, constantly sizing up the next person whose limbs you want to tear apart with your razor sharp teeth and your great, big paws, and yet thousands of women take on the role with a visceral fierceness. Their primal instincts raging, mama bears rise from their slumber each and every morning (there’s no hibernating when you’re a MAMA BEAR!), ready to take on the world and defend their babies against a myriad of both real and imaginary threats.

Whether it’s protecting a toddler from a grumpy cafe ownerbullying another child on the playground, or throwing a plate of food on a bride at her wedding, mama bears know that attending to their children’s well-being and survival is always of the utmost importance. Even if that means screaming in a stranger’s face because she parked in a “parent parking” space. Even if it means growling at a fellow department store shopper for literally no reason at all. The mama bear is focussed. She is alert. And she *will* kill you — or write a semi-crazy status update about you on Facebook — if you’re not extremely careful. 

Now, let’s get to know some mama bears! GRRRRRRRR.

 

1. A Mama Mumma Bear’s Mission Statement

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I’m guessing that before Jen had kids, she was one of those people who went around saying stuff like, “I’ll be your best friend in the world until you cross me or one of my friends. After that, you’re fuckin’ dead to me." That’s like the drama queen precursor to the mumma bear mission statement. If it sounds like Jen might be starring in a crime-thriller drama meets National Geographic documentary of her own design, it’s because she probably is.

2. LOUD AND PROUD AND IN CHARGE EXCLAMATION POINTS

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If you mess with the bull, you’re gonna get the horns. And if you mess with the mamma bears nest, you better watch out cuz she will fight back!!!!!! I mean, right?? This is like a slogan for a new generation. Amen!!!

Mamma Bear Erica appears to have many redeeming characteristics (spelling not chief among them), but being an effective communicator has to be her strongest trait. Do I believe that Erica is a nest-keeper and CAPS aficionado who loves her kids more than anything? Probably. Do I think that Erica’s version of “fighting back” involves permanent facial scars, shattered glass, busted tires, and light arson? Oh hell yeah. 

  

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Deadbeat Dad Psychotic Breakdown

Hello, there! Long time no post. Last week, I mentioned that the next post wouldn’t be all rainbows and butterflies, and that’s because the following submissions were written by a woman scornedI try not to focus too much on mental breakdowns, but every now and then I get a submission ‘batch of crazy’ worth sharing. Brenda is an excellent example of this. Except in the case with Brenda, I was merely shining a light on someone who deserves her own reality show. I wasn’t necessarily saying, “Check out this angry lady who has real problems.” Today, however, is a slightly different story.

The woman in the below examples not only wants to malign her ex, but she’s oddly chosen to do so from her teen daughter’s Facebook account. This post was originally going to be part of the Father’s Day round-up of posts, so apologies for the delay and strange timing. Every year, I dedicate at least one post to the depressing subject of "deadbeat dads" around Father’s Day, because relationship/spousal bashing is one of the crappiest yet most entertaining ways that parents use social media. It’s a Maury episode playing out in real time, and it’s happening to someone who’s not you. There’s a deeply satisfying and sort of guilty appreciation that comes from reading Facebook tirades. We all have “a story to tell.” For some people, it’s a steady stream of content that makes their lives look more awesome than they really are. And for others, it’s the exact opposite. 

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I’m not arguing the validity of Purple’s statement. Her kids’ father should wake up, pay child support, and do his part, goddammit. But why would Purple post this from her daughter’s Facebook account? Also WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO SCREAM AND NOT USE PUNCTUATION

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Is ORTHER ORTHER supposed to sound like a seal barking? Because that’s how it sounds in my head. It’s too bad Purple’s reaction to being called out for impersonating her daughter is “they know how he is,” because the only acceptable answer is, “Oh shit. I posted this from my daughter’s account? I had no idea.” Instead, she’s like, “Yeah well I’ve been telling them how terrible there their father is every day since they were born so it’s not a big surprise. They know his problems are coming back to hit him in the face. I tell them over breakfast every morning.”

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"I AM THE MOM AND DAD TOO. MY DAUGHTER IS HAPPY I AM USING HER FACEBOOK ACCOUNT TO BASH HER DEADBEAT DAD. NONE OF THE BUSINESS THAT I POST FROM HER ACCOUNT IS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS. STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS YOUR COMMENTARY IS NOT REQUESTED BYE"

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The most effective way to get a deadbeat dad to step up and do his job is to yell at him on Facebook through your child’s account. It seems to be working out well for Purple, *and* this way relatives on both sides of the family will see the updates. Men need to be taught there their lessons and the more publicly those lessons are taught, the faster they learn. Soon, there might even be books and weekend-long seminars about how to shame your ex into paying child support on Facebook, because THAT’S how effective it is. Just ask Purple’s daughter’s friends. They’ll tell you.

(submitted by Anonymous)

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Mama Drama: Sneak Attack Edition

You guys know me — I love a good sneak attack. Whether it’s an unexpected warning on a toddler’s birthday party invitation, or a particularly vitriolic response to some friendly "suggestions and advise," it’s always nice to see mama bears taking matters into their own paws on Facebook.

Clearly in this case, there’s some back beef* between Lisa and Nicole, and Nicole was asking for it by baiting Lisa with her comment. It was her small way of saying, "Try me, mama," and Lisa was all, “BITCH, I WILL TRY YOU SO DO NOT STEP TO ME.” When you disown someone’s ass, you’re basically saying that you will not tell them when they get food in their teeth, nor will you tell them when their skirt is accidentally tucked into their underwear or when they misuse the word “climatic.” You might not even tell them that they’re about to get hit by a bus. It’s over. You’re just a legal document away from a restraining order. Blood is thicker than water, and Facebook fights are forever (also known as FFF). I hope when Nicole said, “but there’s slot me to everything and idc anymore,” she knew what she was getting herself into. She put her own ass on blast, and now that ass has been disowned. 

   

*Note: back beef is a lot like beef back, except instead of coming with a special sauce it comes with tension and drama.

(submitted by Anonymous)

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