Last week was Birthday Week, which was *pretty* good, but in all honesty I had like 14 more posts I wanted to run and couldn’t due to time constraints. I will possibly run a few of those posts in the coming weeks/months, but until then, I wanted to formally close out the celebration with a final WTF post featuring three of my favorite random birthday submissions. Each example holds a special place in my heart, and now I’m sharing them here with you. Let us soak up the last rays of Birthday Week sunshine before entering the abyss once again. (Did I mention that I got a submission the other day that’s just a picture of a giant human turd sitting on a PLATE??). The party was fun while it lasted!

Hey Kimmi, way to be a total buzzkill. So what if Stacy wants to get loaded and attend Cj’s birthday party? SO. WHAT. Sometimes people just need to take the edge off a little! It’s not like Stacy is going to cause drama or anything; she’s just going to smoke a little weed, take a few shots, and maybe bump some ketamine in the car before heading in to the party. I mean, hello, it’s a SATURDAY. Don’t be so uptight! It’s not like she’s gifting Cj a bong covered in Elmo stickers or something. Now THAT would be inappropriate, at least until Cj is a teenager.

Ahh, Larry and Vanessa. They’re like the 2013 Facebook version of Jack and Diane from that John Mellencamp song if you just substitute “suckin’ on a chili dog” with “17 years ago, I fucked you.” Poetry, these two! I’m glad I got Vanessa’s permission and blessing to call out her husband for being That Guy who publicly talks about previous sexual exploits that resulted in a baby. Of course, if I’d overheard my own father making this joke when I was 17 I would have vomited on the floor, but hey, that’s family for you! And a lady never knows WHAT to expect from her husband.

This delightful tale is about a dog named Clover that Elisabeth ‘protected’ from an opossum not by bringing the dog inside but by beating the opossum to death with a baseball bat. You don’t want to mess with the mama bear, y’all! She’s so vicious, she’ll beat an animal to death *and* crack a water pipe in one swift motion. And yet she’s also so LOVING, she won’t forget to mention that her twin sons turn six months old the next day at the end of her tale. What a mom. :) They say a mom is a cleaner, a teacher, a maid, and a handyman, but did you know moms are also bat-wielding murderers who casually kill animals and mention half-birthdays in the same sentence? They really can do it all! 

And yes, I did choose to post this submission to reiterate that half-birthdays are birthdays, too, people. More to come on that (and the “half-cake” trend) soon! But for now, au revoir, Birthday Week. You’ve been poop-free this year, and for that, I am most grateful.

(submitted by Anonymous)

This year, as you may have noticed, I scaled back on Mother’s Day posts for a couple of reasons. One reason is that I never got anything even close to as crazy as this. Another reason is that I spend so much time talking trash about sanctimommies and mommyjackers and documoms (who are increasingly dominating my inbox, btw) that I almost feel like reserving Mother’s Day for primarily sincere sentiments. As much as I diss absurd parenting trends the rest of the year, I get a lot of funny submissions written by or about moms. I even get nice emails about the blog from my own mom sometimes, in-between suggestions about not using profanity. So to give props, I put together this round-up and another one on Mommyish. Here are some Gold Star moms whose comments and updates help make Facebook worth reading:

1. Dog Clothes = Baby Clothes

I like the way Katharine doesn’t even add a “Ha!” which would secretly mean, “Return it.” She’s just like, “Yeah, sure, drop it in the mailbox or join me for a happy hour cocktail and we’ll dress up my kid in your dog dress and watch her chase a Frisbie in the front yard.” 

2. Momibalism

This is one of those casual thoughts that provides real insight into a person’s psyche. You don’t only discover that Lindsay equates eating placenta with a sadistic cannibal feeding a victim his own brains; you can also glean that even if Lindsay did eat her own placenta, she wouldn’t go bragging about it on Facebook with a picture of an empty glass bowl and a fork. That’s some hippie twisted serial killer shit.

3. Food Sharing

We have ourselves another Oprah Gold Star thread. Every single person in this thread has earned a virtual reward for being awesome. Screw those ravenous children who already snack all the livelong day. They can’t eat your treats if you don’t share them! These women are like the exact opposite of Candy Apple Mom, who wound up with no Gold Star and no candy apple. Sucks for her.

4. Cock Bock’s

I will never tire of mocking children’s spelling mishaps and confused expressions. Something tells me Swingy Dong and Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong could whip up some delicious Porny Gravy using Mommy’s Cock Bock’s. ZING.

5. Servitude

Is it just me or does “my very own slaves” sound like the adult version of “My Little Pony” or “Kid Sister”/”My Buddy” dolls? I guess I never thought of children like that before, but they’re basically just really expensive, yet human (so they can cook and clean), life-sized adult versions of my ratty old Kid Sister doll. Genius! This kid looks like he’s really going for it over the stove. Slaving away, as it were. Not that I think actual slavery is funny. It’s not. Unless it involves forcing your own children to do household chores in exchange for food and shelter. Then it’s fine! Heidi, I salute you. You teach those damn kids how to work for their dinner! 

Don’t forget to check out my column about more Gold Star Moms over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Every year, moms take “The Joys of Motherhood!” concept and apply it to Mother’s Day through a series of updates about bodily fluids. On an average day, a baby’s diaper explosion is just what babies doo do (“Oh, the joy!”), but on holidays like Mother’s Day, that shitty diaper becomes a “gift” and unfortunate momedy ensues.

Of course, a part of me understands the appeal of potty humor, but can’t we all agree that children’s asses and immune systems have no bearing on holidays or birthdays? Just because your kid took a dump in her pants and it happens to be Mother’s Day doesn’t mean she “made you a present.” That’s gross. Stop ruining perfectly good Mother’s Day lunches with “funny” updates about poop and barf. The jokes have all been made before, and they weren’t very funny the first time around.

1. Laundry

Well damn, Janet, way to call out and scold your toddler daughter on Facebook for shitting herself in the car. I’m sure she didn’t mean to poop all over her carseat so much as it just kind of happened. And considering it didn’t even happen on Mother’s Day, Casey’s accident truly has nothing to do with the holiday whatsoever. I think they call that “projecting.”

2. Extra Special Gifts

If you’re going to bring up your child’s diarrhea in a status update, consider using Meghan’s approach. It’s disgusting and unwarranted newsfeed nastiness, but at least she’s cheerful about it.

3. Woe Is Mom

The opener “Vomitting [sic] toddlers day 2” tells me that Fawn already posted about her vomiting toddlers on day 1, so I’m guessing her friends got a double dose of vomit updates this weekend, too. Lucky them! Thankfully for Fawn, both Julie and Sarah can relate. It’s always helpful when your friends understand what you’re going through, unless that understanding results in an even more disgusting example.

4. Being A Mom

Emily’s update is reasonable enough, minus the fact that ‘Hudson, Everett, and Sawyer’ sounds like a folk band (or maybe just a folksy legal firm) — but Jannell’s comment is what takes this over the edge. I can’t read it and not picture this. But aside from that, it’s important to remember that while Mother’s Day is a celebration of all things motherhood, certain details can be ignored online. Just because your kid’s poo smearing session coincided with Mother’s Day doesn’t mean it needs to be spelled out or remembered from year to year. There’s a reason Hallmark doesn’t sell cards that say “Happy Mother’s Day! Treasure the feces.”

(submitted by Anonymous)