Before I post a series of images that you will never, ever forget, allow me to apologize for taking a little time away from the site. I know the past few months have been like, “Yo, WTF is going on with this blog?”, but I’m working hard to get back to bringing you daily posts filled with horrific poo splatters and sanctimommies galore. Taking a break from posting on a blog that typically has daily content has been weird, especially because I want everyone to know how dedicated I am to being the arbiter of parent overshare — and not just because it sounds fancy at dinner parties to tell people that I sift through pictures of bloody organs all day (humblebrag!). It’s because the people who read this site are awesome, and the emails you guys send clearly spell out a need for this site in the larger conversation about social media and why some parents are so incredibly annoying. So, if you’ll accept my lack-of-posts apology, I will happily continue to make your wildest dreams come true by writing posts about mama drama, umbilical cords yanked into animal shapes (which could totally be a trend), and, of course, the many mommyjackers among us (<— title of a future Lifetime movie).
Speaking of trends, it’s been a whole year since I posted the first Maternity Pics Round-Up, and my-oh-my have I received some bizarre submissions since then! As I wrote before, “wacky” maternity pictures are kind of gimmicky, not to mention errrrwhere on the internet, so I tend to stockpile the submissions and focus on other types of posts. But not today, my friends! Today it’s Round Two, and yes I fully intend to smack you in the face (metaphorically) with some bulging bellies that deserve formal recognition for the way(s) in which they were displayed online.
This isn’t about “body shaming”; it’s about trying to understand why some women choose to show off their bodies the minute they get pregnant, as if their friends are suddenly interested in checking them out. After all, it’s one thing to post a profile shot of your clothed, growing belly, which many friends and family are usually happy to see, and it’s another to post stylized, semi-(or full) nude photos in an effort that screams “I am a goddess!” Sure, every woman who carries a baby is a “goddess,” but that doesn’t mean I want to see my goddess friend’s naked belly, possibly draped in pink chiffon or in an extreme close-up. A growing belly is beautiful, but it can also be jarring, especially when Photoshop is involved. Let’s check out some examples. (You can also see several more examples over on Mommyish in my latest column!)
1. Baseball Stitching
Words Jennifer’s friends used to describe this picture: Amazing, cute, cool. Words I’d use to describe this picture: Terrifying, grim, basket catch. The only connections I see are the round baseball/belly shape and nine innings/nine months of gestation. Everything else makes me want to swear off technology and live in a Wifi-free forest. Anything to ensure that I’ll never have to see this image again, which, by the way, probably won’t happen considering this is one of three baseball belly submissions that I’ve received in recent weeks.
Mmmm. Nothing gets me in the mood like a little spaghetti-in-the-dark and the seminal 1995 classic "Dangerous Minds." Kimberly is truly living in a gangster’s paradise. And just in case you didn’t believe that Jack rubbed coconut oil all over her belly, she provided a picture! Very romantic :)