Proud Daddy Says Size Is Everything

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Here lies a stinky reminder that Fright Fest 2013 begins one month from today. In just one month, the scents that waft through my inbox and the wonders from which they derive will be explored and on display once again in the migraine-inducing period that leads up to Halloween. Like a deep sea fishing trip, you never know what you’re gonna get during this special time on the blog.

Last year, for instance, we were introduced to Crystal, her newborn baby, and a large bowl bearing her bloody placenta in the first ever lotus birth post on the blog. I’m not saying that I’m breaking my arm patting myself on the back for that, but it was pret-ty magical and an experience not easily forgotten. This year, who knows what colorful delights we may encounter? One thing is for sure: The submissions will be spectacular. Assuming, of course, that you qualify “spectacular” with pictures of bodily goo, disposable diapers, and a front seat to a stranger’s labor and delivery.

But before we get into all that, let’s talk index fingers. Namely, Lui’s index finger, which just so happens to be about the same height and diameter as his daughter’s #massive #turd. He’s one #prouddaddy, and he wanted to show off that #caca on his Instagram page because, well, did you SEE his little girl’s #shit??! It’s perfect! It’s healthy! And it absolutely had to be shared. I’m sure Lui’s friends were all excited to scroll past the boring and predictable pictures of sunsets, puppies, and manicures to arrive at this #prouddaddy moment. Lui’s daughter’s #shit is #1! #Hashtag #Feces!

  

Related: Stool On Stool, Poop In His Hair, Toilet Snake

(submitted by Anonymous)

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Tease & Reveal: Lunch Edition

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I’m not gonna lie to you fine people. Today’s post is harrowing. It makes 'Poop In His Hair' look like an amusement park game. It makes Poop Skating look like an acceptable leisure activity. If Tease & Reveal: Snake Edition is a trip to the zoo, today’s post is a trip to the least sanitary cafeteria one could ever imagine. Not that you’ve ever imagined something like this. No, you haven’t, unless you’re harboring a sick fetish that no one cares to know about — especially me.

I’ve been “saving” this submission for several months, occasionally spying it in my files and thinking, “No no no no no, I can’t post this, it’s too wrong. It’s NOT OKAY.” But today, something happened. I realized that if I don’t eliminate this waste (pun intended) from my files, I will be accidentally opening this picture forever, and I’m neither mentally nor physically prepared to do that. My mind and body cannot process this level of surprise any longer. I must set the submission free. Perhaps if I do that, I will one day know peace again. Or at the very least, I will be able to eat lunch again.

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Fright Fest ‘12: Bath Poop Round-Up

This week on Mommyish, I stunk up the joint with some delightful bath poop submissions in an effort to bring awareness to this smelly posting practice. I don’t know about you guys, but to me "bath poop" sounds like a frightening oxymoron, and the less I know, the better. Am I disgusted by the mere thought of children shitting in the bath? Sure, but I can deal with it. If taken one step further, though, by reading long-winded descriptions and/or looking at photos, I start to feel a little pukey.

It’s not that I’m unaware that kids poop in the bath; I am aware, and I realize that it happens to the best of us (or something). What nauseates me is that for many parents, poop in the bath is an occasion, and therefore all the juicy details must be spilled on Facebook. (Ew.) They can’t just clean up the kid and the tub and call it a night. Nope. They must inform their friends that not only did their child poop today, but that the poop floated in several gallons of bath water, too. It’s revolting, really, and even though we’ve seen and read about a handful of examples on the blog before, I felt that a round-up was due in honor of Fright Fest. Plus, the subject sort of reminds me of the gross games people play in haunted houses (e.g. sticking your hand in a bowlful of “eyeballs” aka grapes). If there was a haunted house dedicated solely to parent overshare, there would definitely be some fake “bath poop” bobbing in an old clawfoot tub.

And with that horrifying image firmly set (ugh) in your minds, here are 6 examples of bath poop updates that never should’ve made it to Facebook:

1. It’s All In The Details

Aw, how sweet is this? Tobi essentially wrote an ode to her daughter! Even when that precious little angel has diarrhea in the bath and bites the [expletive!] out of her mother’s nipple, her mom still loves her. SO darling. I do find it funny, though, that Tobi is more hesitant to write the word “shit” on Facebook than she is to describe “Lulamonster’s” literal shit. I think they call that backward logic.

2. Discard Methods Pt. I

1. “Jace” and “Janessa” = someone’s been watching too much Duggars TV.

2. “gotta love them shitty moments :)”? I know many parents who’d beg to differ.

3. Fun Fact: Mommy never “has” to pick up human waste with her bare hands. That is fucking disgusting. You can pick up kid poop the same way you pick up dog poop - with a plastic bag. You just flush the poop sans bag, and it doesn’t require you to go “fishing” with your bare hands. Come on, people. 

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