A few weeks ago, this image was volleyed all over the internet and celebrated for its khurious yet unmistakhably yoonique charm:
That’s right, Kharringtyn-McKhynleigh is heading to khindergarten where she’ll learn precisely how diffikhult her name is to spell, whether it’s kharefully written on a sheet of wide-lined paper, inskhribed in a kholoring book, or skhribbled on the backh of a plate displaying makharoni art. Ohhh, how Kharringtyn-McKhynleigh Khaybryn Sparks’s elementary school teachers are going to revere her parents. Talk about two intelligent people who know what’s up with the future! They gave BOTH of their daughters names that’ll take them well into the 2030s and beyond, which is pretty smart considering so much of the workforce is soon going to be replaced by robots.
Thinkh about it: How are people going to stand out and appeal to future employers? By being smarter than robots? No. By having individuality. By being different, and what’s the very first thing hiring managers notice about job applicants? Their name. What kind of VP of a global corporation is going to give the rare “human jobs” of the future to candidates named “Steve” or “Linda”?? I’ll tell you who’s going to get those jobs: Kharringtyn-McKhynleigh Khaybryn Sparks and her sister Khayleigh-Huntyr. By the time 2035 rolls around, those names are going to be lukhrative as fukh.
With that truism in mind, and with media outlets oft reporting on the inkhreasing khonfusion over modern parents’ obsession with terrible baby names, I figured I’d put together a new batch of name submissions. In fact, in honor of all the hoopla surrounding the Social Security Administration’s annual baby name findings (*note to self: name future daughter ‘Hoopla’), I even wrote an additional column about baby names for Mommyish. That post includes the name “Leviticus Blade,” if you’re interested in checking it out.
So! Let’s get khrackhin’, shall we? From all-around odd name and spelling choices to baby name drama, here are my khurrent favorite submission pickhs (spoiler alert: I’m not sure any are as khreative as Kharringtyn-McKhynleigh Khaybryn Sparks, because that’s the best new fake name in the world, although there are some very strong contenders).
1. Musical Names
NEGATIVE COMMENTS, BE GONE!!! Kristi’s status update questionnaire is about harmony, so if you happen to be one of the many, many people who think that "musical" names don’t need to be interpreted quite this literally, you can keep your dissonant garbage talk to yourself. Kristi doesn’t need your bad vibes, and little ”Legato” or “Demo” doesn’t need them, either. No one wants this thread to be off-pitch or out of tune, okay??
Other comments that Kristi will not tolerate on this thread:
- Additional name suggestions for Baby B., such as Ophicleide, Mixtape, or Slur
- Suggestions for accent marks on the names. (Yes, at one point Kristi and Jonathan were considering Encorè and Kōda, but they have decided against them for now. Please do not bring this up, as it will cause more tension than you can possibly imagine.)
- Comments about Kristi and Jay’s decision to have the baby in the orchestra pit at their local performing arts centre. This has already been discussed at length, but for all you people in the back, once again: It will be the best place to serenade Kristi during labor and also the best place to record Baby B.’s first cries upon arrival which will be sampled in an upcoming performance. Please do not be offended if you don’t get invited to sit in the audience during the delivery, as there’s only room for 375 people. You will still have access to the live-stream if you’d like to witness Baby B.’s “solo” entrance into the world.
2. When Great Ideas Are Born
You say Phylyisity, I say Phillisity…. let’s call the whole thing off?? Like, for real though, consider calling it off. This name idea is terrible. Poor Phylyisity/Phillisity is almost assuredly going to be asked if she was named after the character in the ’90s/’00s college drama "Felicity" at least 5 million times in her life, and instead of being able to say something like, “No, but the names are the same,” she’s going to have to say, “No, I was named after my dad, Phil, which is why my name is spelled Philliscitee/Philissity/Phillissiti, get it?! PHIL? If I was a boy I would’ve been Phil Jr., but since I’m not I got stuck with this shit.”
I’m suddenly feeling very grateful that my parents didn’t name me after my dad, Harvey. Harvi and Harvette don’t sit right with me.
3. Judgement and Condemnation
This is the train wreck version of baby name drama, where you want to look away but you can’t, because for every rude and unnecessary jab M. makes, those of us who think “Chaestyn” is a dumb name feel slightly more victorious. By the time I got to the comment that mentions 'Designing Women' AND soiled tank tops/Busch Light, I was ready to hand M. a medal. Sorry, R. You’re welcome to name your baby whatever the hell you want in America, and clearly you’re making use of that Constitutional right, so good on ya. Your friend J. is right that M. should stop tearing people down. And yet…M. is right, too, and we all know it. Stop pulling that ‘Sex and The City’ "I’ve loved the name Shayla since I was a little girl" bullshit, because it doesn’t really work after you’re out of high school.
Normally I don’t include comments from forum boards, but in this case the submitter wrote, “I was reading a column of yours about yoonique baby names, and I decided to look up how to pronounce Zhyrhyla and found this gem.” And oh, what a gem it is. I feel like there’s a real education to be discovered in Green’s comment. Namely, that when a person can’t spell “weirdos” or “thier,” yet touts the joys of “unique wonderful names,” she’s essentially saying, “Fuck the English language and it’s stupid, petty rules. We are WIERD and we are AWSOME!” Somehow that is Green’s complete rationale for giving her children yoonique names, whether we wish to accept it or not. Or, as Green might write, except it. Or, as Green might also write, tpecxe it. You may not like the fact that people like Green are going to keep giving their kids names like Azelvynique and Zhyrhyla, but you can’t stop progress, you guys. You kan’t.
5. Hello, My Name Is Kemistry
Spelling isn’t an exact science, as proven by the reconfigured name of Rosalind’s friends’ new baby. In fact, the name ‘Kemistry’ is kinda meta when you think about it. Konceived out of love (aka “chemistry”), a baby named Kemistry reminds us that the state of matter can always change forms, much like spelling can. Who says a word, or a name, isn’t volatile? Not Dajuan and Kalyse, the parents of baby Kemistry who know that if you mix 1 part yooniqueness with 2 parts kleverness, you can rearranje lettars of konventional werds to kreate sumthing knew! It’s like a kemikal reaktion.
6. Laughter Is the Best
Medicine Baby Name
The submitter who sent this in deadpanned, “This girl I know named her child Laughter. No joke.” Something about that solemn introduction made the name Laughter seem suddenly depressing. What do you do when you’re in a bad mood and your name is Laughter? And what kind of parent gives their kid a name that references a human behavior? Are we naming the future leaders of the world, or are we casting the new dwarf in "Snow White"? Granted, Laughter is no Sing Praises, but it still gets pretty low marks on the scale of acceptability. You can pray for a successful VBAC and prevail, but you can’t prevent people from snickering at the name Laughter.
7. Baby Name Drama: Kristin Cavallari Edition
First of all, Stacie loses her superficial argument out of the gate by misspelling Kristin Cavallari’s name. Second, who gives a shit. And third, the submitter says that this status update jumped out at her in part because Stacie’s kids are both younger than Kristin Cavallari’s oldest kid. So, her whole point is moot, I guess? Also: I realize Stacie’s being playful here, but just as a reminder we are talking about the names Camden and Jaxon. These names still appear as farcical to me now as they did when I first saw them. “New trend” does not always equal “good trend.”
8. TOE-MAY-TOE, TOE-MAW-TOE
Remember when I posted a whole round-up (and column) about people who get amusingly aggro over their kids’ names? Who ARE these people? And does Sarah not realize that by typing “SAW-YER” next to “SOY-ER!!” in all CAPS, she sounds like a braying donkey? I hope she does.
Brooke’s well-timed use of “just saying” after the extended ellipses shows her earnest dedication to telling Chantelle to stop whining. Plus, “Shanquay” isn’t even remotely like “Chantelle.” A more accurate comparison would be “Chantelle” and “Chantal,” or perhaps “Shawntel.” Fun fact: All three of those names belong to former contestants on 'The Bachelor.'
9. Time Flys
This is one of those rare occasions when a context-less, stand-alone comment qualifies as worthy of posting. Whatever the original status update says is irrelevant (even if H. appears to be mommyjacking it), because the poetry of her comment supersedes its importance. H. has a daughter named ‘Pheytan Madisyn’ who will be 1 year’s old in five short months, and the line “Time flys by so fast enjoy every moment in and out.” is so beautiful, I might get it tattooed across my back with a grandfather clock and a pair of wings on either side. H. may not be an ace with spelling or grammar, but she’s chock full of exceptional wisdom.
10. 1 for Da’Monie, 2 for Da’Show
Here’s the thing with apostrophe names: They’re not all bad, but we already abuse the apostrophe so much more than we should. We trot out apostrophes like they’re here for our fucking amusement, and they’re not. Soon, no one will have a freakin’ clue when to properly use apostrophes. In da’future, the me’aning will be lost forev’r.
11. …and Baby Makes Thr33
If you’re feeling pretty confident that no parents would actually name their baby Trilyn Thr33, allow me to confirm that this baby’s name is Trilyn Thr33. According to the submitter, “This couple has a little girl, their first kid, bringing their family total to three (that’s known as foreshadowing). She’s named…wait for it…Trilyn Thr33. With the numbers and everything.” Uh huh. Is it just me, or does the expression on that that teddy bear’s face say it all? There’s a quiet desperation in those sunken, beady eyes.
12. Nevaeh and Lleh
Last but not least, a little intentional comic relief provided by Evie, who is pregnant. The best part of this status update — aside from Evie openly mocking the name Nevaeh — is that for a split second, Natasliah appears to be a real name similar to “Natasha.” Evie went with the perfect counterpoint-backwards fake baby name to mirror the stupidity of Nevaeh, and for that, she has earned herself a Gold Star, otherwise known as a Rats Dlog.
Nice job, Evie. You really should start telling people that you’re naming your baby Natasliah just to see whether they “get it” or they merely smile and nod like most people have been trained to do whenever they hear a nü baby name. My guess is the baby could be named Tsirorret and no one would bat an eyelash. Ignorance is bliss!
For more baby names that’ll make you squint, shake your head, and slowly reach for a cocktail, head over to Mommyish to read my column!
(submitted by Anonymous)
*Update: This post is now one example short, as I received a request from Ceilidha and Rhynli’s mother to remove that submission.