Birth Junkies & Sanctimamas Have Some Things To Say

If I had to pick a type of oversharing parent who no one wants to get stuck talking to at a party, I’d probably go with the "birth-obsessed sanctimommy." I know there are many sane and wonderful people out there who just love and/or assist in childbirth for a living, but let’s face it: Nothing’s more grating than “wombyn” chatting casually about how much pain a vagina can endure and how mothers should embrace their inner birth goddess. Remember BEST BIRTH EVER!!! or Ring Of Fire? I’d rather pull off my own toenails than hang out with those women.

For some birth junkies, Facebook has been the perfect outlet for their rants, lectures, and descriptions of labor and delivery, not only because it’s a free platform to spread their gospel, but because they can’t see the bored look their friends get when reading the updates. Or the eye rolls, or the “Bitch, please” facial contortions in response to updates about how epidurals are total bullshit. (More on that in my new Mommyish column!) I can’t personally imagine bragging online about being a “natural mama” or calling out women just for having C-sections, but hey, we all have our own unique ways of talking about childbirth! Here are some more examples of sanctimamas I probably won’t be dining with anytime soon:

1. Lil baby Jayden 

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"And of course, he came into this world via 100% natural, non-medicated birth!” **emphasis mine, cue the sound of my vomit hitting the floor** 

By phrasing her update about her baby’s arrival in this way, Vanessa sort of creates an “us vs. them” approach to birth announcements on Facebook. Did YOU have a full coochy birth without drugs or medical intervention? Do YOU get a cookie that’s the shape and consistency of a meaty 2lb. placenta? Who wins the award for shortest status update about a healthy baby delivery that makes me want to shoot a pint of tequila? It’s Vanessa!

2. Goddamn Tigers & Diagrams

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Facebook groups with names like “Your Body Is Not Ruined, You’re Goddamn Tiger Who Earned Her Stripes” are the reason this blog exists. It’s not the sentiment, per se, it’s the attitude and tone with which sanctimamas snarl that they’re goddamn tigers. Sanctimamas love nothing more than comparing themselves to wild animals. Don’t mess with the mama bear, don’t cross paths with goddamn tiger (<— doesn’t even need an article), and don’t think for a second that you can you can outrun a mother antelope in her Subaru Outback Station Wagon. ‘Cause you can’t. Okay? Give these humble mothers the respect they deserve. They once experienced the pain (and JOY) equivalent of having 20 bones getting fractured at a time. Can u even handle that?

3. VBAC Activists

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While I understand these ladies’ concerns about record high C-section rates, Katy’s update sounds just a wee bit dramatic and a little “end of days.” There’s expressing concern, and then there’s sharing an article on Facebook with hopeless pleas like “When will it stop? What will it take?” Is she referring to a somewhat alarming birth phenomenon, or a doomsday blockbuster action movie? “In a world….where women don’t always get the hospital care they want…and surgery-happy doctors show no signs of changing proceduressomeone’s gonna get cut open.” 

I’d also like to note that this submission is from 2010, which means Katy may have already had that VBAC she always wanted. I hope Jeanette was able to attend. What do you wear to a VBAC party anyway? A denim jumpsuit? Something stylish, but durable and easy to clean.

4. The Gift Of Bowel Evacuation

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Oh SNAP. Pink got the fixin’s of every little girl’s dreams! It’s time to pop open a bottle of bubbly, because ENEMA!!!! Pink’s gonna get her asshole cleaner than it’s ever been before, because HOMEBIRTH!!!! Those Certainty adult diapers are most Certainly going to come in handy once she flushes out her colon. Go team!

5. Special

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Here is what I’d like to say to women like Sabrina: No one, except you, thinks you’re superior for giving birth at home. People might think it’s interesting, beautiful, or even stupid, but no one is IM’ing on Gchat going, “Holy. Shit. Sabrina had a home birth. She rocks harder than anyone else I know!!!!” And that’s merely ONE of the reasons why this baby onesie is dumb. Sweet, perhaps, but also (unintentionally?) polarizing, condescending, and attention-seeking.

6. Taking the Daily Mail Seriously

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Whoaaa there, Corey, simmer down. This is from THE DAILY MAIL. A tabloid-like publication meant to inspire precisely the kind of ire you just unleashed on Facebook for no reason. Plus, who listens to “top obstetricians” about subjective things like whether a father should be in the delivery room? It’s one old man’s person’s several-years-old opinion. And yet, apparently it incited a lurking rage from within, and now everyone knows more than they wanted to about your post-baby sex life and your husband’s superwoman fantasies. This is what happens when you become the type of person who tells birth stories over antipasto. Like Linda, who sounds drunk, I agree with what Corey is saying. But that doesn’t mean I see any reason to freak out on Facebook. Just be superwoman, Corey. Do you. No one needs to know the details.

For more sanctimama madness, including a philosophical rumination on our “Instant” culture as it pertains to C-sections, check out my column over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

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