Last week on Mommyish, my back-to-school column was more cheerful than usual. In past years, I’ve highlighted sanctimommies and mommyjackers (as well as noting the ridiculousness of locker chandeliers and bitches who complain about "buying school supplies for children whose parents are on welfare"), but this year I toasted to the new academic year with Gold Star-worthy parents who are supremely excited that school is finally back in session.
So in that spirit, this post is a back-to-school celebration of kids’ drawings and schoolwork. We’ve been charmed before by the likes of Swingy Dong and Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong, and we were impressed with Porn Gravy, but this post is a veritable gallery of self-expression. The following kids have a real future ahead of them. Doing what, I don’t know, but I enjoy their work.
1. Caillou Coloring Book
Remember that Caillou post I put up a while back? Parents were pissed off that old episodes of the kids show Caillou were being billed as “new,” especially since the earlier seasons of the show were so whiny and annoying? Well, now we have confirmation that at least one kid feels the same way:
This kid is like the Banksy of the coloring book scene. I don’t think *Pink should bother disciplining him. When something sucks, it sucks. He’s early to question authority, so she must be raising him right. I would absolutely consider hanging this work of art in my home.
2. The Little Merman
This drawing is clearly an exploration of Disney and gender. Jason and Jenna’s daughter has a gift for bringing this important issue to the surface with her simple and childlike art. By drawing Ariel’s tail to look like a massive penis, this piece screams “non-comformity” while sending a strong message to Disney executives that children will not be manipulated by heteronormative cartoons. No, they will not.
3. Future Architect?
There’s nothing I could say that would top this comment thread. I want to high-five all of these people and award them each a Penis Joke Trophy. That is one hell of a building Hazel drew. Very…muscular.
4. Sophisticated Gerbil Art
This picture rules. I don’t think I could even conceive of it without being on a combination of drugs, nor could I draw it without starting over at least 25 times. I also love the background: a gerbil’s lair of both pleasures (water) and defeat (exercise equipment). Not to mention, it’s an A+ gerbil sling. When does the inspiring movie version of this tale come out??
5. Slight Letter Confusion
Usually when someone says, “This is way too funny!!!!” you can expect whatever it is not to be funny at all. But this time, it’s actually very funny and so much more…
ZING! Yep, Marina’s kid totally went there, and by doing so managed to write one of the single funniest captions I’ve ever read on an illustration. The smiles on those hand-drawn faces seem so innocent, don’t they?
6. B is for Beverage
This submission is from 2011, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s timeless. I’m not really sure who has some explaining to do here — Kendra or her kid — but for now, I’m a fan of them both.
Hey now, teachers don’t give out those Super! stickers like they’re candy, okay? Zoe’s answer happens to be very mature for her age. Plus, it’s a total fluke, which is partly what makes it funny. Zoe doesn’t really know what vodka is, and it’s not like this type of letter association outcome would happen at school again. She’s a child, for god’s sake, not a boozehound.
It’s been a year and a half since Zoe came up with these alcohol-themed instructional lessons, and I have to wonder what her preferred drink is now? She’s seven or eight years old, so I’m thinking she’s probably entering her ‘H is for Hunch Punch’ phase, to be followed closely by her Jägerbomb phase. There are 26 letters in the alphabet, and by the time Zoe is done drink-associating them all, she will be both a qualified artist and a savvy beverage director. Hopefully she’ll offer some affordable letter prints on Etsy. I want to collect them all.
For more back-to-school Gold Star submissions, in which a mother joyfully calls her children “the little inmates,” check out my column on Mommyish!
(submitted by Anonymous)