Last week on Mommyish, I wrote a column in honor of World Breastfeeding Week, as I do every year. And as I do every year, I’ll quickly point out that I don’t actively pump my engorged ‘Breastfeeding’ submissions folder because I’m terrified of lactivists. As a supporter of breastfeeding (inasmuch as I’m a fan of sustaining life), I know that talking shit about people who discuss it online could be viewed as more harmful than helpful. Especially since I can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be discriminated against just for feeding a tiny helpless hungry baby at the gym/sushi restaurant/Drake concert/absinthe bar.
That said, I learned to own my anti-breastfeeding-TMI feelings a long time ago, and I refuse (REFUSE!) to be bullied by scary women who think that breastfeeding is next to godliness. Or, goddessness, or whatever the appropriate lingo is. Yes, it’s magical free food, but it’s not at the top of my (or most people’s) list of things to read about or see on social media. Perhaps I should just go with the flow, but I’d rather read stale Chuck Norris jokes than stuff like this, and I don’t think I’m alone in that thinking. Check out this year’s
breast best breastfeeding submissions and let me know if I’m just being a boob.
1. 2 Girls, 1 Cup
K. is thisclose to setting up a LeakCam for her friends to watch in real time. Why miss out on all the action or read boring text updates when K.’s friends could watch her fill various cups with breast milk faster than they can say 'galactopoiesis'? Who knows, it might even lead to a web series. Picture it: Several women sitting around discussing the issues of the day a la The View, but lactating! It’ll be called The Leak, and there will be many terrible NSA jokes. Jenny McCarthy can guest host.
2. Sweet Breast Milk Baby Breath aka SBMBB
I’m always amused by the "sweet breast milk baby breath" updates because it’s kind of like a woman saying, “Do I smell good or what?" I mean I get it — your baby smells like freshly-baked bread that rolled around in fairy dust after drinking a batch of the finest unpasteurized milk that a mama’s breasts have to offer, but really, it’s not worthy of a Facebook update. Just the word “breath” sounds hot and steamy and worth avoiding. Also, "…and only mom" is something you might read in a breastfeeding-themed Hallmark card. Michelle, you may need a SBMBB detox.
3. Milk Drunk
"Milk drunk! Milk drunk! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" is all I hear in my head when I read about parents obsessing over nursing their children. I hate the term ‘milk drunk,’ and I don’t want to read about a baby’s eyes "rolling to the back of his head" in ecstasy. That’s what happens to me every time I eat delicious pork buns but you don’t see me writing about it on Facebook now do you??
Purple is so pleased with herself, she actually typed the words “drowsily grins around your nipple” on Facebook like that’s an acceptable way to chat with your pals.
Purple’s friend: “What’d you do today? I had a bagel, went to work, hit the gym, and then watched a movie.”
Purple: “Oh, not too much, I just provided love, nourishment, and contentment to my baby and watched her drowsily grin around my nipple.”
The 'Got Milk?' expression *might* be more annoying than ‘milk drunk,’ although this is a debate I’ll probably have with myself for years. Nothing thrills a nursing mother more than a picture of a kid with a breast milk mustache or milk dribbling down her chin. Not even a stack of freshly washed cloth diapers.
4. Calling Bullshit On Formula Sanctimommies
Thanks, Holly — and Stephanie, and Leigh — for your comments! But fuck off, Camarie and Megan. You ladies aren’t doing anyone any favors by acting like cows about baby formula. Okay, so maybe formula is a little gross in the sense that it’s sour-smelling (as opposed to breast milk which smells like fields of lavender, as previously established), and you have to shake it up like you would a protein shake, but other than that it’s not really so bad. As a matter of fact, it keeps babies alive! Millions of them! The only debate dumber than “stay-at-home vs. working moms” is “breastfeeding vs. formula-feeding moms.” I’m all for breastfeeding advocacy, but the common goal parents share of keeping a baby alive really shouldn’t be a competition.
Oh snap! Jill’s serving it up to Sarah fresh and hot! If only she’d slung a little shit over to Tabitha and Kelley, her comment would’ve been even more perfect. The way Kelley writes “WHAT OF IT” tells me everything I’d ever want to know about her. That reactive CAPS LOCK nature in response to a discussion about breastfeeding marks a certain brand of hostility that I prefer to avoid. She and Sarah can be “latched-but-unhinged” together in front of a Nieman Marcus or wherever the latest nurse-in protest is being held. I’ll stick with ladies like Jill and Joelle.
5. Throwing Away Breast Milk = Your Dog Getting Hit By a Car
Hey, thanks a lot stupid fucking gnat. Not only did you ruin Red’s breast milk and her child’s chances of benefiting from all those nutrients, you also inspired her to compare dumping 3 oz. of milk to watching a dog get hit by a car. Now she sounds depressed and completely unsympathetic.
6. Nutrient-Rich, Visually Blinding
Mmmmmm colostrum. “Looks like earwax, tastes like your mom.” And just look at how well it cleans up for picture day! Talk about taking "express yourself" to the next level. “Excuse me, Ms. Colostrum? We’re ready for your close-up.”
Unconditional love is: harsh lighting, black & white photography, cursive fonts, and a Facebook profile pic of sideboob. The unfortunately named ‘Justus’ is a delightfully trashy addition to this display of wholesome affection. #MommyandRuru4Lyfe
Last but not least, we have a picture that caused my nipples to temporarily invert. Holy Mother Of Areolas, this photo makes my chest hurt. Why would anyone share this on Instagram, a photo app known for its abundance of sunsets? Who among us takes a picture of a child using a nipple as a chew toy and uploads it to share with the world? I’ll tell you who: hardcore breastfeeding advocates who should probably re-think their updates if they can’t keep their kid’s nipple-chewing to themselves. It may pain some women to hear that, but not more than this photo pains me to see. Oh god, does it pain me. Ouch!
(submitted by Anonymous)