Last Sunday was Father’s Day, and in honor of the occasion I dedicated my Mommyish column to Gold Star Dads the same way I dedicated my Mother’s Day column (and blog post) to Gold Star-winning Moms. I like this tradition of giving props, because Gold Star submissions are fun to read and intrinsically good-natured. The post I’m putting up after this one is pretty much the opposite of those things, so enjoy the laughs while you can. Here are the top picks for this year’s Dad’s Gold Star Father’s Day (well, post-Father’s Day) Round-Up:
1. DIY Card
Once again, I find an excuse to cite Swingy Dong and his best mate Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong. I will never tire of this. (Sorry.) Zachary’s card is legendary and is exactly why handmade cards are 1000% better than Hallmark cards. Hallmark doesn’t make cards about the “sword bond” between fathers and sons, probably for legal reasons, which leaves a major gap in the marketplace. Thankfully, Zachary took matters into his own hands (so to speak) and found a way to convey to his dad how much he really cares. I hope this year’s card is as frame-worthy as this one. The kid’s got a great future ahead of him, either as a controversial cartoonist or as a pornographic knight.
2. Discount Surprise
This submission actually made me L out L. Brian is the kind of dad who takes an unwanted iPhone purchase made by a toddler and turns it into a funny joke that inspires other funny jokes. Why can’t everyone on Facebook be like this? I don’t know what Brian looks like, but I’m guessing "The Rachel" (with highlights!) is going to look fabulous on him. (FYI the Wiki page for “The Rachel” is very informative.)
3. Life Lessons
ZING. Michael’s kid rendered him speechless and thirsty at bedtime, prompting a status update that’s refreshingly unapologetic. The most grating thing is when a parent writes an update like Michael’s and ends with a lame flourish like, “Don’t worry, fellow parents, I explained that he’ll have to wait a few more years!” or, “Don’t worry, fellow parents, we don’t typically drink beer in front of the kids!” I see that kind of thing all the time and it actually drives ME to drinking. Nothing makes me want a cocktail more than a sanctimonious parent backpedalling on a joke in order to save face. Fortunately Michael is so laser-focused on cracking a cold one that he’s not remotely concerned about such perceptions.
We’ve seen Katherine as Gollum. We’ve seen a baby with the hair of Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg. We even saw a fetus that slightly resembled John Ratzenberger. And now we’ve got a John Waters-inspired mustache created by eating Oreo cookies. The only thing that would make this better is if she happened to be wearing an audacious blazer with a necktie.
5. States of Matter
Last but not least, let’s check out what young Audrey’s education has taught her about natural science:
1. Audrey’s dad has gas.
2. Audrey’s cat is a ‘solid’.
The best part of her fart drawing is probably the picture of Audrey’s mom (?) telling Audrey’s dad that he should stop farting. Gas is no laughing matter, people. Except, of course, when it is.
To read more Dad’s Gold Star submissions, check out my Father’s Day column over on Mommyish!
(submitted by Anonymous)