A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a column for Mommyish about polite ways to get your friends off your back about having a baby. This is a subject I’m often emailed about, and one popular question is, “Do you ever get submissions where someone tells off a mommyjacker?” I kind of sense that people ask with a gleam in their eye, and they want me to write back, “You bet your sweet ass I do!” Since most people don’t feel comfortable telling friends and family to STFU when they get mommyjacked, there’s always the hope that somewhere out there, someone else has.
So today, on the eve of the STFU, Parents Book coming out, let’s take a look at some examples of people standing up to their mommyjackers. If there was such a thing as Facebook self-defense classes, this is the stuff the instructors might teach. To anyone out there who’s considered asking a friend, sister, co-worker, or Farmville farmer about the state of her uterus: Don’t. And to anyone who been hammered with baby questions (whether you plan on having kids or not), this round-up is for you. Here are 5 ways to talk to a mommyjacker:
1. New Adventures
Blue slays me with her enthusiasm. “Haha! I would probably develop a debilitating addiction to painkillers, ”forget” to pick up the kids after school in the hopes that someone else might raise them, and then run away from it all and change my name!" Nice try, Purple.
2. Try It With Kids
Oh SNAP, Holly. It’s like April shot you with a few pellets, and you casually threw back a grenade. It’s the comment equivalent of nipping something in the bud. “No thanks, I’ll just keep going to the DMV, grocery store, and dentist without any kids in tow.” Can’t really argue with that.
3. Logical Conclusions
I hope Jori let out a long, throaty chortle before she responded to Karen’s comment. “Hahahaha oh HAIL no.” I can think of at least 4000 instances in which I’ve had the same thought. Amirite, ladies???
4. Don’t Complain About Being Tired (Unless You Have Kids)
OH TRIPLE SNAP. Joan and Ryan are both teachers, and Jennie done messed with the wrong education department. Don’t start complaining about a sick baby around a teacher, especially a drama or music teacher, because you will get shut down. “Try 40 kids, muffin," I can practically hear them sneering back. Yawn. When are we going to stop turning "tired" into a competition?
5. The Opposite Of Mommyjacking
Finally, for good measure, let’s bask in the glory that is the anti-mommyjacker, i.e. someone who seeks out opportunities to remind her friends that she doesn’t have kids. What do call that? A childfreejacker? Pretty perfect for April Fool’s Day. Tough blow, Rose. Vida got you good.
Don’t forget to read my column on Mommyish about the various ways to get your friends off your back on Facebook!
(submitted by Anonymous)