This week on Mommyish, I zeroed in on Baby Name Drama, which is kind of like if a yoonique baby name submission had a lovechild with a mama drama submission. It’s the provocation of the drama, plus the fun of stupid names! And it’s not hard to see how we’ve arrived at this genre. Parents carefully choose their children’s names with yooniqueness in mind, and they get charged up when they discover those names aren’t being shown the respect they deserve. You may not be able to reinvent the wheel, but you sure can come up with an original baby name if you give it enough thought (and/or shuffle around some Scrabble pieces with your eyes closed).
Truly authentic names deserve appreciation, and heck if there aren’t some special names out there being taken advantage of literally as I type this blog post. Every day, someone loses a baby name to a thieving friend or overhears a teacher butchering a poor child’s name (HELLO, it’s spelled F-h-r-y-d-h-n-a-k and it’s pronounced FRANK) — and that kind of name treatment is downright disrespectful. It’s probably a crime. Okay, it’s not a crime, but it should be treated as such, because name drama can ruin lives. Let’s check out some examples of parents losing their cool over this highly important, yet often overlooked, societal calamity:
1. STEADY NAMEJACKING
Excuse the cut and paste, but clearly the second part of this submission is crucial. Brittany steps in like she heard a bitch whistle going off, and NO, her baby’s name is NOT spelled “Serenity Prayer” with the letters in that order because that’s how ALL babies who have the name “Serenity Prayer” spell their names. All babies except for Brittany’s, that is. LMAO, suckers.
The rest of these ladies could be doing something other than gossiping about baby names, but I understand where they’re coming from. Take Ashley, for instance. All of a sudden everyone is stealing her baby’s name, Ahmauri, and there’s nothing she can do about it. Artists get ripped off all the time. Groupies and hangers-on admire babies from afar and then they want to be those babies. For moms like Ashley and Ariel, that’s a struggle they’ll have to live with for the rest of their lives.
2. Nickname Propers
Whoa whoa whoa, Laryn gets called LAUREN??? And Edmund (the little gent!) gets called EDDIE? Ew. Yucky yuck yuck! What kind of monster would do such a thing?
Oh, right. The kind that doesn’t give an Ember’s ass about fancy name nuances that parents think are essential to a child’s survival in the 21st Century. I get why Lacey prefers her daughter to be called “Victoria,” since that is her child’s name, but in life people are going to call you whatever they’re going to call you. I once knew a homeless jeweler who called me Blair Underwood for years. It happens! Also, here’s a hint: If you’re the type of person who writes things on Facebook like, “I really don’t see what the big deal of saying 4 syllables is…are people just that lazy??”, there’s a decent chance your friends are calling your baby by a nickname just to piss you off.
3. Naming & Claiming
Tee-hee! Josie has a snazzy way of glossing over her “hormonal mommy rants,” which tells me she’s a snake in the grass. Anyone who’s made the mistake of telling Josie a favorite baby name should probably kiss that name goodbye, ‘cause it just shot to the top of Josie’s list. She may not have thought of it first (necessarily), but if it fits Josie’s baby’s personality perfectly, well, too bad! You can’t lay claim to a name! :P
4. Mild Irritations
Lisa is irritated that a certain someone — not going to say who — copied her daughter’s name, but she’s not like UPSET-upset. Yes, she’s complaining about it on Facebook, but she doesn’t want to make a bigger deal out of the situation than is necessary. It’s one thing to passive-aggressively call someone out, but it’s another thing to call someone out by name. Note the distinction. Bye-bye original name Karlei James…yet another victim of identity theft.
5. Nickname Drama
It takes a ballsy person to refer to a child he or she doesn’t know by the nickname “sis” or “sissy,” but it takes an even ballsier person to name his kids Makayla and Makenzie. I don’t think anyone comes up a winner in this argument.
Ugh, people, orientate your brains!!!! The child’s name is DEKLAN, and it’s not that hard to say!!!! Stop assuming that you know what you’re saying and try LISTENING for once. “DEK-LAN.” Not Dek-Lynn. Not Dek-Lun. Not Dek-Lin.
7. Sanctimama Drama
Hey, all you assholes out there (and yes, Green is talking to YOU): How about going back to elementary school and getting an education in linguistics? How about studying some fucking phonetics? Did you not grasp the concept of phonetics back when Green had to explain her band name to you dirtbags? Attention, McFly!! Attention! The name is I-Y-R-I-N (pronounced “eye-rin”), and anyone who fails this test is a fuck. Duh triple-squared. IYRIN. Look it up. (Oh, wait, you don’t have to, because Green already did it for you…dumbasses.)
Lisa raises some VARY good points. It can be difficult for people to spell even the most bay[sic] words, so Y not give your kids unique names? Spelling out L-I-S-A over and over must get soooo old; it’s like she may as well be named LeeSuh. At least that wood be different and somewhat desireable to spell. Traditional names are a thing of the passed. Yoonique is magnifique. Just don’t name your kids Rhyleigh and Draedyn, ‘cuz those two r taken!
To better learn your smarts on baby name drama, read my column on Mommyish! (FYI: Jagger Atreyu isn’t a common name, so some idiots look real stupid right now.)
(submitted by Anonymous)