This week on Mommyish, I wrote about one of my all-time favorite subjects: Parents who behave badly in public and then write about it on Facebook. It takes a special kind of person to not only act like a douche rocket in a restaurant, retail store, or waiting room with her child, but to also take the time to write about it on social media. That extra step is what separates the moms from the mombies, so to speak, and doing so results in automatic entry onto the STFU, Parents Wall of Shame.
Whether your friend has considered letting her kid poop on the floor at Dollar General, encouraged her kid to take a dump behind a gas station in a state of manic revenge, or just wanted the entire world to know that ANY flat, horizontal surface qualifies as a changing table for her baby, I’m interested in reading about it. And today, I present to you a motherload of submissions about this societal “trend.” Read my examples below, and then read about even more assholery over on Mommyish!
1. Your Only Option Is Your Only Option
I feel like skywriting “THANK YOU, SARA” over the Burger King parking lot in Wickenburg, AZ, if only because Sara deserves the recognition. Her comment should be printed and distributed on every table at every restaurant across America.
That said, if you look at the facts, there’s really not much else that Rebecca could have done. The supposedly family-friendly restaurant didn’t have changing tables, and well, that was Rebecca’s only real option. Sure, she has a car, but unfortunately her backseat is filled with car seats that have been set in cement and permanently anchored to the interior of her vehicle, the trunk is stuffed with luggage that’s been packed with heavy bricks, and her baby is too darn big for the front seat! What else was she supposed to do? Burger King is lucky she didn’t change her sweet gassy angel right there on the ordering counter!
Plus, hello people, don’t be so OCD. It’s just a little fecal residue. It’s probably healthier than what Burger King puts in its Whopper, if you think about it!
2. “Jobs” and “Other Customers”
Dear Teenage Light-haired Employee,
Taylor didn’t want to act like a cross between a mama bear and a ‘roided out pro-wrestler when she stopped in for lunch today. But unfortunately she was pushed to her limit after perceiving maaajor bimbocity when you told her that she could not change her son in the public dining area. What do you know, anyway? You’re a teenager. You don’t know what it’s like to be a mother with a stinky boy. You don’t know what it’s like to be told to drag a chair into the bathroom like some kind of shameful monster just for wanting to relieve a baby of his diaper dump.
Oh, and to cite a baby’s exposed penis as a reason not to change him in public? HA! Now THAT is funny! Sexualizing a baby??? That is incredibly messed up!! Go back to your “job” worrying about “health code violations” and “getting in trouble with your manager” and never speak to me or my child again!!
3. Administrative Punishment
When I sent this submission to a friend who works at a doctors office and asked her how bad it can really get, she replied back, “I recently had to kick out a person because her kid was throwing all of the magazines and pamphlets off the waiting room tables. The breaking point was when the kid tried to grab another patient’s purse and dump it out.” Sounds fun.
4. Sorry, people
Hahahaha KIDS! They yell, they laugh, they scream, they cry! They throw food! AND IT’S WONDERFUL. Remember the baby who barfed at Chili’s? It was only a little bit of baby barf! And the babby who let out a BRIEF piercing cry but was given the royal side-eye treatment from surrounding patrons? Those jerks didn’t get it at all. You can’t control babies; they’re BABIES! Sorry people, but if you go to Olive Garden at the same time as Amanda, you’re going to be faced with the presence of a child. And if you have a problem with that, don’t tell it to Amanda; tell it to a shrink because you are an anti-baby bigot!
5. Sanctimommy Energy
Wow, Wendy is amazing. She managed to teach her child how not to have a meltdown in public and she doesn’t even have a big head about it. It takes a pretty incredible woman to be strong for her child as well as for a random stranger’s child. It’s like Wendy knows that she’s extraordinary, but she doesn’t even let on for a second. Hope is lucky to have such an intuitive mom. ♥
6. Picasso In Training
Last time we saw a kid drawing on the wall at a restaurant, she was in a much less upscale environment. This, however, is the opposite of that. And yes, if you were wondering, the only possible description for the look on Liam’s face is “shit-eating grin.” Who wouldn’t wear a shit-eating grin after realizing that he can dine on vacation at the *fanciest restaurant in Maui, and draw all over the walls, and have his “wall art” declared “lovely” by his adoring mother? He’s practically reaching Baby Raiden status.
7. Mom’s Gold Star - Bookstore Edition
Joshua wins a Gold Star for essentially reverting from a nerdy bookstore clerk to an imposing security guard, all for the sake of his own sanity. I understand Jake’s mother’s bona fide “mom approach” of ignoring her child’s tantrum to prove a point, but that method is really only helpful when kids are at home. In a store where other people are trying to shop, or god forbid, read, it’s just plain rude.
Thankfully, Joshua stepped in to save
his ears the day by telling the kid that he was thisclose to getting thrown in jail for being a brat. Only a child would believe that line, but it goes to show what a good lesson Joshua taught young Jake. Don’t act overly disruptive in a store, or someone will call security. That’s actually a tip for life. I hope Jake adheres to it.
For more parents behaving badly on Facebook, check out my column on Mommyish! And don’t forget to pre-order the STFU, Parents book, out on April 2nd! It’s toilet humor you can read while potty training (yourself or your child).
(submitted by Anonymous)