Sanctimommy Round-Up!

Inspired by fond memories of this post, I dedicated last week’s Mommyish column to the ever-obnoxious yet ever-amusing sanctimommy. Well, to all the sanctimommies out there keepin’ it real and acting like the world owes them something (or like they’re the best parents that ever stepped foot inside a grocery store). In fact, for all the vitriol people feel toward sanctimommies, they’re extremely popular — on the blog, that is. “Sanctimommy” is not only the best portmanteau ever, it’s also in the top 3 most beloved categories on the site. I should really dedicate more posts to these self-absorbed (but often well-intentioned) status updates. 

So with that said, let’s see what’s happening over on Sanctimommy Lane, where knowing smiles, vigorous back-patting, and being number one reign supreme. 

1. 24/7 Sanctimommy

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Every time I almost forget that some people get pissed off if you call them after 8PM, or expect to hang out in the evening, or aren’t quiet in rest stop bathrooms, I receive a submission like this one. FYI: Nobody contact Jessica for important or unimportant matters for the next 24 hours. Do not call to talk about last night’s episode of Grey’s, or to discuss an urgent stroller recall, or to make breezy lunch plans. Jessica is taking care of her family including her genius son and she doesn’t need her friends calling or coming by and screwing that up :)

einstein 2 smiley

2. Sanctimompetition

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Everyone, I’d like to take a moment to recognize Angela’s excellence in the field of sanctimommyjackingbragging. Not everyone can accomplish this feat with such cheerful ignorance, and I wish to award her with a TROPHY that weighs exactly 95 pounds - one for every pound of weight she pushed into that 15mph headwind on this blustery winter’s day. It takes a strong woman to do that, but it takes an even stronger woman to do that and mommyjack to prove her athletic superiority.

3. Pre-Schedule Sanctimommy

Hmm, so, judging by this laundry list of birthday DON’Ts, I think it’s safe to say Holly shouldn’t even consider having her baby until the next Leap Year. Or, if I may make another suggestion, INVENT A NEW CALENDAR DAY. Think about it: No one else will have that birthday first, or maybe ever again if the day manages to be that exclusive. Like in Being John Malkovich, when LesterCorp is based on the 7 1/2th floor. Why settle for a birthday on September 19th or October 1st when you could celebrate your baby’s arrive on September 19 1/2 or October 1.5? I can’t believe no one else has thought of this. I mean, as if Holly’s baby is going to share a birthday with Alicia’s dog Roxy. I don’t think so.

4. Woe Is Sanctimommy 

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Ugh, stupid freaking students and their whining! Seriously, when are full-time students who work part-time not talking about exhausted they are? It’s such BS that people think they have the right to complain when they have NO IDEA what it’s like to go home after a long day and then play with the kids and then make them supper and then take pictures of their poop in the bath. Now THAT is exhausting, aka something that selfish, joyless, childless people will never ever realize or care about. Ugh, people without kids are unbearable.

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Cut the crap, Melissa. We all know you just answered your own question, which is obviously a two-letter word that begins with an “N” and ends with an “O.” No, it is not okay to feel exhausted, or to think you feel exhausted, or to announce that you feel exhausted, especially if you are any of the below:

A) Not pregnant

B) Not a parent

C) Age 21, 22, or whatever bitchy ages are under 25

D) A full-time student

Go back to bed, rookie. Call Lindsey and her P.O.B. when you finally know WTF you’re talking about.

 

5. Pep Talks

The sentiment here is really lovely, and Lindsey reminds me of a less endearing J. (World’s Best Dad). She’s not only determined to be the best mom she can be, she’s determined for ALL parents to be the best they can be, too. How selfless is that? She’s like one of those feel-good adage apps that clogs your feed with famous quotes and makes you feel both wiser and more jaded. Did you know that your children are your best friends and yours forever? You do now. And Lindsey will always be there to remind you.

6. Mom’s Gold Star > Shushing Sanctimommies

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Everyone in this thread deserves a Gold Star, but as far as I’m concerned, the true awesomeness lies with Melony and her friend. Melony posted this message on a moms forum on Facebook, and boy, am I glad that she did. I couldn’t love her story or her attitude more. She’s like the opposite of rest stop sanctimommy. She and Dawn could be BFFs! More than anything, I just want to say to Melony if she happens to be reading: Please start a parenting blog. Facebook Moms like you don’t come along every day.

For more sanctimonious sanctimommy sancti’ good times, head over to Mommyish to read my column! 

(submitted by Anonymous)

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