Last week on Mommyish, I wrote about parents who whisper sweet nothings about their personal lives for all of their Facebook friends to read. It’s a subject that I’ve posted about several times before, but the submissions never cease to make me cringe and/or stock up on contraception. And since I didn’t run a Sex Edition for Valentine’s Day this year, I thought I’d make up for it by posting both a round-up and a column dedicated to these filterless, emotionally-charged submissions. Sexy! RAWR.
Here are some examples that’ll really get you in the mood (to throw your computer at the wall):
1. Baby-Making, Season 3, Take 2
Everyone on set! We’re gonna need all hands on deck for Baby Making Season 2, Take 3. Marianne and her husband are trying to bring another little miracle into this world, and prayers are guaranteed to help speed up the process. Baby-making isn’t something that just *happens,* you know. It requires community support, occasional donations, collective worship, and a whole lot of Facebooking. Danielle and Mary are both in. Who else is with Marianne on this?
It’s baby season, and Marianne’s not going to lie down in missionary position quietly. She’s a woman who doesn’t conform to society’s harsh demands that married couples procreate in silence. We must all work together to lift these restrictive barriers so that no one has to engage in intentional unprotected sex without all of their friends knowing and cheering them on. Let’s raise our voices and hold virtual hands, like Marianne and Erica, so that we may find relief for those people who are self-diagnosed with Baby Fever. They deserve praise for their fortitude in fighting social norms. These women are on the front lines of couples’ liberation!
2. Sexual Healing
Yee-haw! I don’t know about you guys, but Cindy’s comment just made my whole WEEK. I’m picturing her reading through the above thread and thinking, “Oh my goodness, this is so personal. So revealing! No one should post this much information on Facebook!!”, and then taking off her glasses and pausing to reflect. “Hmm. Well, she could always try straddling and riding him reverse cowgirl, in terms of practicality. Lol.” Poor Kathleen. She’s super pregnant and super horny. :(
3. Wait For It
“I love you, JT, for being my soulmate, my lover, my baby daddy, my Jolly Roger, my life coach, my BFF, my foot masseur, my triple dog darer, my Dirty Diaper Don Juan, my Mr. Snugglepants, my debonair Poop Patrol Sergeant on Labor Doody (…there…I said it…I shit on myself while giving birth…it happens…and it happened to me…with the pooping and the whatnots…okay I’ll stop talking now). Here’s to forever and ever for the rest of our lives…to quote Marilyn Monroe “Happy birthday, Mr. President”… it’s been fun…”
4. Love Notes
I don’t know if Seth is in the army, or if he’s going on a road trip with his buddies, or perhaps doing some research out in Arizona for his upcoming novel about the Gadsden Purchase, but one thing I do know is that Cassie’s vagina just got one hell of a work out. Seth put a real hurting on Cassie’s nether regions, if you can pick up what he’s laying down with that subtle piece of information! He really gave it to her good, because that’s how much he fucking loves her and little Skye and Karsyn. Who’s their daddy?? SETH’S their daddy.
5. Conception Day Keepsake
These two are *pretty sure* that this was the wine-stained evening that culminated in the conception of their daughter, but hey, who knows?! The point is, this picture represents a sex-filled night of enchantment that might have resulted in a baby and is therefore deserving of Facebook status. I mean, just look at those smushed up faces. I can’t imagine going my whole life without seeing that.
6. Mom’s Gold Star
After thinking that this was a little too much information, and this was definitely too much, I’ve temporarily loosened up (*ahem*) to posts about lube and/or sex toys as they relate to children and/or dogs. At least, with this particular submission I have. It just makes me laugh. Not to mention, how much KY do Laura and her husband keep on-hand? Do they buy the industrial size? The word “pouring” implies a more substantial amount of viscous liquid than say, “squeezing.” Are they KY-wrestling? If only we could see the comments. I suppose we’ll just have to use our imaginations.
To read more sex and love updates that never should’ve made it to Facebook, check out my column over on Mommyish!
(submitted by Anonymous)