Every year, I naively expect the level of excitement for ridiculous baby names to decline. But here we are, just one month into 2013, and there’s already been a lot of discussion about yoonique names both around the internet and here in the comments section. So I figured, why should I deny myself and all of you the opportunity to once again mock a bunch of terrible names just because it’s immature and none of our business? I complain about plenty of stuff that’s none of my business. Why should I feel badly for laughing at parents who have crappy taste in baby names?
Is it because names are so personal and stay with a person forever? Embarrassing poop tales are inappropriate, for sure, but those stories can be flushed from our memory over time. A name, though — that’s when people start getting defensive. “Screw you! My great-grandmother’s name was Hortence!”, an unfortunately-named child might say. ”So what? My first name is Bugle Boy! My dad liked their jeans!” Things can get downright awkward depending on how many branches a person’s name hits on the way down the ugly tree. And yet, despite the fact that it’s childish to make fun of “different” names, I do it anyway. Apologies to all the Ninja Qwests, Abcdes, Espns, and Rylee Nycols out there. Perhaps one of you can start a charitable organization to help new parents come to their naming senses before they fill out their children’s birth certificates. In the meantime, I’ll be posting round-ups like this one.
Here’s my “handpicked list” of yoonique names that you’ll want to avoid this year — and over on Mommyish I wrote a column about several more!
1. Backwards Name-Spelling Is Diputs
The name Alucard has many references, but none of them have convinced me that the name should be foisted upon a baby for life. I’m not suggesting that the debate only be between names like “Alucard” and “John,” but I am saying that if I ever met an Alucard at a party, I’d probably ask how many centuries he’s been alive and invariably piss him off. I just can’t take it seriously.
Oh ATHAN. Everyone’s favorite farting stinky man! The only thing cuter than a baby farting in his sleep and giggling about it is a baby with a name like Athan. If names had to be purchased rather than dreamed up for free, Athan’s tagline would probably be “Like Ethan…Only Better.” ‘Cause it is! ;)
3. Reductive Conversation
Things we can glean from this exchange:
- Kristen is excited for her friend because “boys like to show off their "junk".” It’s kind of like saying, “Congratulations on giving birth to the male ego!” Interesting compliment.
- The name Corbin is not with an “i.” It’s Corbyn with a fucking Y.
- Korben with a K would be hideous with an H. Kristen is a liar.
- Kristen probably thinks her friend’s baby’s name is
- The name “Rayland” sounds like a New York City pizza theme park that would have a competitor theme park called “Not Rayland.” Can someone please make this happen?
4. Name Choices
In case you were wondering, “J” names don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. They’ve been popular ever since Britney Spears named her son Jayden and the Duggars started building a
cult family, and the names are continuing their meteoric rise in 2013.
However, just because it appears that Jeni is willing to take any rambling collection of letters so long as it begins with a “J,” she’s not. Fuck your “Jaylee” suggestion, Audra. Nobody cares what you think. Also, I’m pretty sure the name “Libertie” goes against the Constitution.
5. The Sound Of My Palm Hitting My Face
If I was a doctor and this submission was my patient, I’d tell it that it should probably stay overnight for observation. We all know a “Crystal” — hell, most of the “Crystals” we know are actually named Crystal — but submissions like this still don’t cease to amaze me.
6. Sing Praises
The person who submitted this said, “This is the child of a family with 10+ children. Her name is Sing Praises. I wish I was joking. The family already has a Zephaniah, Alleluia, and Victory Dawn.”
I like the way Lisa says, “We just think she’s it!”, as though using a “hip” throwback expression will blur the sharp focus of her kid’s weird name. Sorry, Lisa, but no one will ever stop asking you about why the hell you named your daughter Sing Praises.
7. Name Vomit
Heathyr named her baby girl Hensli, but this particular status update is about taking a moment to reflect. Ah, remember the good ole days, when the name “Hensli” hadn’t yet been decided upon, and Heathyr regularly regurgitated name vomit like Havilyn, Kayten, Hadlisyn, and Tribeca because she “loves names”? Back when she was considering naming her baby AveNYC “bc of the tie into her fave place”? That was such a creative time of letter exploration.
8. In Conclusion
Am I the only one who feels like she’s staring into a portal to the future? This is what social media will look like in 10-15 years. Just a bunch of people STDH at their own names. “Eighmey”? “Marraine”? “Kendyl”? There should be a support group in place for folks who have suffered this kind of name abuse. Just look at how these people cling to each other in times of despair. I can practically hear them taking turns at a Name Abuse Victims meeting now:
"Hi, everyone, my name is Kendyl… and it’s got a bit of a jacked-up spelling. My mama had a thing for "y"s, I guess." *shrug*
May today’s generation of children with terrible names be so lucky.
Don’t forget to head over to Mommyish to check out my new column! I guarantee that you’ll see a name you haven’t heard of before. At least, I hope you do. Otherwise we’ve got some major problems.
(submitted by Anonymous)