Hello there! Before we dive into today’s sensible, good-timey post about pictures of naked kids on Facebook, I wanted to acknowledge that the past several days have been duds. As it turns out, my immune system has deeply betrayed me this winter (like lots of other people’s have), and I’ve also had some family stuff to deal with. On a positive note, I was happy to report this bit of information (along with the inside title page of the upcoming book!) on the STFUP Facebook page. In just under a trimester, the world will be able to read about parent overshare and all its splendor in print - at baby showers, in line at hipster retailers, and, of course, on the commode - and I’m very excited that the book is finally 100% finished. Yes!
Now let’s get on with the posts!
This round-up of crazy is the complementary post to last week’s Mommyish column (and to those of you who have already read it, I’m sorry for making you re-live the awkwardness in this post). Like I said on Mommyish, it does occasionally concern me that part of my job in running this site is receiving ANY type of overshare that people see in their feeds, including pictures of kids that could be labeled as “crotch shots” or “ass shots.” I completely understand why people send the submissions my way; after all, that’s what I’m here for … or something. But I’ve been filing these crotch and ass shots into folders for so long, it’s making me think that practically every parent on Facebook has posted an inappropriate image of their kid at some point or another.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think anyone should be ashamed of their body, and I don’t think it’s unsettling to see a picture of a baby in the bath or wearing a diaper around the house. But what I do find weird are the pictures that expose far too much to be considered “appropriate” by any set of standards. Some parents think it’s awesome, hilarious, or just plain adorable to flash the world with their kid’s junk, but I tend to disagree. And I know I’m not alone based on the number of emails and submissions I’ve received. That said, maybe some parents are just too close to their subjects to be truly objective, like a painter or a corporate lobbyist. Perhaps all they need is a guide to help them figure out what’s what in the world of nude photography internet distribution. Below, let’s observe 7 categories in which parents tend to post the most inappropriate pictures of their kids online:
1. Delivery Room Pictures
I’d like to think Lillian was being serious with her comment, but that tacked-on “LOL” just makes me think she’s disappointed that Facebook doesn’t have user-generated thought bubbles. Also, I have done that "hand mirror" thing women do, and I didn’t see nearly as much of my own lady parts as I have of this newborn’s baby parts.
"holy nut sack!!!!” indeed. I dare any person to take a look at this picture unedited and not think of the line in “Clueless” about balls flying at noses. Ironically enough, babies do kind of kill your social life, so I guess the silver lining here is that I discovered something that babies have in common with “Clueless.”
2. Babies in the Buff
This is my latest pet peeve - parents who post pictures of their babies (naked or otherwise) with charming little bits of meditative poetry to accurately express their awe and devotion. Barf. Cover your daughter’s vagina or don’t post it on Facebook, Cedar.
This caption is like Lillian’s comment, except posted with the sole intention of being funny. Because what isn’t hilarious about pretending to be your own baby and scolding yourself online for being inappropriate?
3. Bath Time
PS: Aside from this child’s penis, what’s also evident in this picture is Cassie’s faith in her kid’s ability to “surf” in the tub. Looks safe to me!
This is a publicly shared picture of three cute, lathered-up triplets in the shower. Technically their hands are covering their most private of areas, but I went ahead and covered them with stars anyway because I’m not their dad. I can’t just go around posting semi-naked pictures willy nilly like some kind of parent. I need to be responsible about this shit.
4. Naked In Nature
If there’s something parents get a kick out of, it’s watching their children embrace nature as nature was intended. Whether kids are peeing, pooping, potty training, or building a deck in the out-of-doors, no idyllic scene is off-limits to Facebook. After all, it’s just an adorable toddler tushy we’re talking about. What’s wrong with that? You’ve never seen a baby’s ass before?
The exclamation point is what kills me here. Well, that and the close-up of a young boy’s butt cheeks and the teeny turd that fell out of them. I wonder if the parent who posted this picture is just excited because her kid has never pooped on gravel before? Like, he’s pooped in the grass, on the beach, in a parking lot, but never on unconsolidated rock fragments! Amazing!
5. Potty Training
YEESH. This kid’s wang practically jumped out of the picture and did a song and dance when I first opened the submission email. It doesn’t get more direct than this, folks. If you’re going to post a potty pic, please consider a side-view.
This little girl reminds me of college. The ill-fitting shoes, the messy hair, the way she’s half-falling off the toilet while hysterically laughing. We’ve all been there, amirite LADIEZ?? In just 18 years, she’ll be able to compare this picture to a nearly identical one taken at a place called something like “Triple X Saloon.”
6. Too Old To Be Naked Online
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I *think* this mom just indirectly gave her daughter the most widely-seen wedgie of all time. I thought this was bad, but Andrea’s picture manages to take the ‘big girl panties pic’ to a whole other level.
To be fair, nothing was exposed in this picture that would qualify it as “naked.” Chef Kennady is topless under her zebra-print apron, but the photo isn’t especially revealing. Still, WTF. Why would anyone share this image with hundreds of friends online? Shouldn’t common sense override a sense of pride?
7. General WTF
Oh, you know, just your average blurry picture of a naked child bending over while wearing his mom’s boots. We all have one of those in the baby book!
Last but not least, we have a well-populated panties party:
There’s only one person who contests this picture being posted on Facebook, which comes out to about 17% of the total thread. That seems right, statistically speaking, and is the data I’ll use henceforth if anyone asks me roughly what number of people think semi-naked or naked pictures of kids are bad form on Facebook. Granted, this child is wearing underwear, but did her mom really have to make that joke about “where Belle is hanging out”? There is no way that Mrs. Potts would’ve condoned such a thing.
Don’t forget to read my column on Mommyish, 'The Naked Truth About Children And Nudity On Social Media,' which features a submission with the words “perfect apricot balls.” Apparently there’s a difference between “apricot balls” and “plum balls.” Really exciting stuff.
(submitted by Anonymous)