Hello, and welcome to 2013 on STFUP! After receiving many New Year’s Eve submissions, it’s finally time to unleash ye olde round-up along with this week’s column on Mommyish, aptly titled ‘5 Ways Parents Rang In The New Year On Facebook.’ Regular readers are aware that every year, parents post a series of noise complaint updates in response to their neighbors, who may or may not be illegally shooting off dangerous fireworks near homes surrounded by dry leaves, but hey, THIS IS AMERICA. The submissions are very predictable, and I would find them completely boring by now (like how I feel about Daylight Saving/Standard Time submissions), except the parents who complain about such crimes are so pissed off that it’s impossible not to be entertained. Hell, if I was friends with them I might even be tempted to park in front of their houses with a stack of Roman candles myself just to keep the rants coming. People who complain about fireworks on the Fourth of July and New Year’s Eve are practically begging to be taunted.
Don’t get me wrong, I think most people in America shouldn’t be allowed to sing karaoke, much less set off fireworks in residential neighborhoods. But when it’s New Year’s Eve, and it’s time to celebrate, there are certain party essentials that make the night complete: fireworks, champagne, and those giant paper top hats that you just know someone’s going to use as a barf bucket. That’s how the party goes down, and that isn’t changing anytime soon. Anecdotally, I remember the New Year’s Eve that my parents’ lame neighbor came outside to broadcast to the neighborhood that “the party was over” because “his girls needed to get some sleep,” and everyone in the cul-de-sac stared at him as though he wasn’t wearing pants. It was only 10PM, and from that moment on we all knew which neighbor had the biggest stick up his ass. My point being, if you’re going to complain about holiday celebrations, do it with your spouse/partner/pet/plants, not on Facebook.
With that in mind, here is this year’s round-up, which comes fortified with several other submissions I enjoy. This was a good year for New Year’s submissions. Here are some of my favorites:
1. Get Off My Lawn
All of these examples feature a rant followed by a short comment. Posted back-to-back, it’s almost like STFU, Parents poetry.
If you’re ranting so hard on Facebook that four sentences in a row end with multiple exclamation points, you might as well erase everything you’ve written and just write “GAAHH!!!” That seems to be what most annoying people do, and I don’t see why Mickey aka Mick should be the exception.
Dannielle’s statement isn’t too bad as firework updates go, but Veronica sounds like she eats a stack of smug sandwiches every day for breakfast. What comes on a smug sandwich? Well, it’s a flavorful combination of pickled outrage, sautéed condension, fried sanctimony and egg whites on whole grain toast. 100% organic.
Colleen’s comment takes me back to the "Plus dogs barking for no good reason!" post. Memories! Why do people have to play basketball after midnight on New Years?! It’s like they may as well be in bumper cars at a goddamn carnival! What are they going to do next? NIGHT SWIM??!?!
Seriously though, there’s a difference between doing this online:
….and walking outside and asking your neighbors when they might be done shooting off fireworks because you’re trying to sleep. Lucky for us, Heather chose Option A, where she just shouts at the internet about something that’s happening 20 feet away. Effectiveness is not a strong suit of these fireworks complainers.
Speaking of complainers…
2. Woe Is New Year’s Eve Parents
Okay, so let me get this straight: Sol complains that someone managed to include his annoying ass in a “Happy New Year!” text at 2AM, but then promptly reports to Rebecca that he sent her a text at midnight the night before? And then, even after Melody makes the VERY BASIC suggestion that Sol might be acting like a doofus because he can silence his phone, Kate and Jason march in with their little Opposite Day comedy routine? “Who’s on first?” “Someone who doesn’t have kids?” Shut the hell up, you two. (and Sol, you freaking idiot)
Waahhh. You know you’ve got issues if you’re whining about not getting paid to “babysit” your own child. Honestly, I think there are two kinds of people in this world: Those who consider feeding/raising/educating their children to be a joyful responsibility that they brought upon themselves, and those who scratch their heads and wonder why they aren’t getting paid $9/hour to change their offspring’s diapers.
I don’t know if any of you readers were “Who’s The Boss?” fans, but if you say Angela’s name out loud with Tony Danza’s accent, it makes the Angela in this submission seem mildly tolerable. She reminds me of Kerri of “Permanent Babysitter” fame, except Angela’s friends are totes cool with her acting like a petulant child on Facebook. I’m picturing her sitting on her porch at 12:42AM, knocking back a bottle of Strawberry Hill, wearing a slanket, and texting everyyyonnee she knows. Sometimes life is as shitty as you make it. (Although, full disclosure: I would have NO PROBLEM ringing in the New Year with a slanket and a bottle of Boone’s Farm. That’s just how I roll. But it is clearly not how Angela rolls.)
3. Poop Hands
What was I JUST SAYING about poop hands??? It’s like a special curse - every time I rail against something on the blog, it comes back to us three-fold. What’s next, more poop stuck to a child’s head? Poop is not an accessory, people. And sorry, Brooke, but you lost all your poop joke posting privileges when you named your son Mitchell.
This is a rare instance in which a mother is asking a pretty reasonable question on Facebook, and her annoying uncle comes along to be a wiseass and hijack her update just to make her feel small. Good going, Maynard. You managed to alienate everyone with that single text block of assholery. There’s an exercise that can help you work out your inner dickhead; it’s called “being quiet.”
5. Miscellaneous Mix
Finally, here are three submissions that showcase different ways people celebrated the New Year in a “progression” of sorts.
Amanda keeps it real. Not only does she admit to getting a surprise, but she goes into details about why. I’m torn between saying “You go girl” and “Congratulations, you just told the whole world that your future child is an accident.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Last but most CERTAINLY not least, we have…this. First, I have to give a Gold Star to Kathryn, who came up with the only remotely acceptable and funny comment that anyone could leave in response to this picture. We’re talking about an “ass up” situation here. It’s not okay. While I’m thrilled for the kid for achieving this level of comfort, bearing witness to it makes me feel extremely awkward. Happy New Year, indeed. Cheers to you and yours.
Don’t forget to check out this week’s Mommyish column right here! Also, I sort of forgot to link to my last column, entitled ‘Top 6 Overshare Tips For Parents In 2013,’ but give that a read while you’re over there!
(submitted by Anonymous)