Hurricane Sandy Mega-Round-Up

A couple of weeks ago, Hurricane Sandy hit the Northeast. It was and still is a shitty time for those affected, and for that reason I waited to post a round-up. I started thinking maybe I wouldn’t post one at all, but I’ve decided to run this because I do think some people could be more sensitive. And by “be more sensitive” I mean “learn when to be quiet.” I also think it’s worth spotlighting the comically predictable nature of parents’ updates whenever disaster strikes. Status updates can easily be placed into one of two categories: The Jokester and the Woe Is Mom. The Jokester was first mentioned in this post, and was pretty well-covered in this post, but I always enjoy being introduced to new ones; and the Woe Is Mom you all already know, because her sass knows no bounds.

First, let’s check out some Hurricane Sandy Jokesters:

OK, how cute is this? It’s the Disneyfied retelling of Hurricane Sandy according to a mom in Idaho. Such charm has she with her “verbal rain” lifeboat jokes! Teeheehehehe. Someone please pass me the biscotti. 

Just a little wordplay for you folks playing at home. You know how babies are when they become mobile. They’re little hurricanes!! They wreak havoc on your home! They’re unstoppable forces not to be reckoned with! Hurricane Sandy may have seemed frighteningly destructive, but Hurricane Olen is capable of spilling grape juice everywhere. Think about that.

Comparing children’s messes to natural disasters (hurricanes, tornadoes, etc.) is pretty common, but it’s a way better analogy when there’s not an actual hurricane killing people and smashing up their homes. 

Michael could have just said, “Ethan is 10 months old today!” and posted this picture, but that would’ve been completely useless on Facebook. By writing the words “Hurricane” and “Sandy” in his update, the chances that Michael’s post was seen increased exponentially, which I’m guessing he’s aware of. And that is what makes this update so douchey.

Speaking of self-congratulatory parents, let’s talk Woe Is Mom:

Gah! All those hurricane vacationers, living in the lap of luxury! With their flashlights and their bottled water and their canned soups! And all those people who had to commute to work by walking across bridges or standing in hours-long lines — those people were just chilling. Like, literally, it was fucking cold outside after the hurricane, and those people were chilling. Hurricane vacations rule so hard. If only the mommies and the police officers and the electricians could experience what a real hurricane vacation feels like. Instead, they’re just working like always!

I’ll admit that I, too, wondered how the clusterfuck of gas lines was impeding other drivers, BUT, on the other hand, I wasn’t complaining to the MTA when my train line was one of the last to get repaired, because the world doesn’t revolve around me. In the days after a natural disaster, it’s wise to lay off people who are just trying to figure out how to get to work like everyone else. I’m also guessing Purple’s son didn’t do anything particularly constructive at preschool that day, but I could be wrong.

The outrage from parents in unaffected areas of New Jersey was the height of post-hurricane amusement. First, I got this submission. Then, I read this editorial. And now, I’m still laughing. How audacious does a person have to be to spout off about Halloween after several parts of the state have been devastated by the largest Atlantic hurricane on record? And by calling the Governor’s office no less.

Kimberly is sooo pissed because Chris Christie is trying to act like some kind of KING in a DEMOCRACY when Kimberly’s area had approximately zero impact from the strom. Zero. And now children’s spirits are going to be broken forever because they had to forfeit Halloween on the 31st, which is a totally different kind of devastation that no one is even talking about. Plus, the state had to call off Halloween because if some kid slipped on leaves, his parents could call Heidi’s hubster hubby hubalicious hubogram to sue the state, and they would SO win that shit. Which basically just adds up to mean that kids and parents have been ignored in the face of a very important holiday. It’s wrong. The wrongest. And yet, despite all that, I’m fairly certain everyone survived. The cancellation of Halloween, that is.

For information on how to volunteer, donate, or buy needed items directly for people who have lost so much, please visit the Occupy Sandy Recovery page. 

(submitted by Anonymous)

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