My Childless Blog Manifesto

For the past week, this blog has received some media attention, which has been both awesome and idiotic. Awesome because I went on The TODAY Show and this happened:

Nothing against Kimberley Clayton Blaine, but how amazing is that sign? And her hand in a slight eating motion, despite the fact that she’s talking about motherhood? Who needs therapists and “overshare bloggers” when you’ve got a national holiday dedicated to potato dumplings?

I also received some really nice emails from some funny people. 

People said nice things on Facebook, too.

Comments even got a little confessional.

Cool, right? It was really wonderful to read the nice emails (many of which I’m still reading), comments, etc. The positive responses far outweighed the negative.

But, of course, there was some of that, too. 

The best thing about hate mail is that so many people feel a compulsion to end things on a nice note. I’m not sure if it’s because it makes them feel more justified or if it’s because human beings are inherently good-natured/guilty creatures, but it’s hilarious. “Hey, B., how about you go fuck yourself? GOOD DAY TO YOU, MADAM. May the sun shine on your stupid fucking face! Have a wonderful day.” 

Jake’s email particularly disturbed me because the name he signs off with at the bottom is insulting to both me and one of my favorite ’80s heartthrobs

Generally, though, the newfound blog attention was great. Except for one little thing. Everywhere I turned went online, people weren’t focusing so much on the hundreds of posts about diaper blowouts and sanctimommies, but rather on my - gasp! - “childlessness.” I wrote a column about this for Mommyish (with several examples of things I won’t be able to do once I have a kid), and I really hope you guys check it out because it came straight from my heart. And right now it just so happens that my heart is seething with rage at the way the media portrays people (women) who don’t have kids, particularly me for writing this blog.

Like I said on Mommyish, I don’t have to have kids to have an opinion on parents who overshare. In fact, no one does. I’ve never claimed to be a parenting expert, or to have kids, and yet the majority of the conversation in the media has been about my apparent lack of empathy for parents and lack of intelligence for writing on a subject that I have “no idea” about. But this blog isn’t about parenting. It’s about the ways parents use social media.

The worst part is that all these people are mommyjacking the hell out of the story in order to find a “hook,” and it results in some pretty catty insults and misinformation. Several outlets incorrectly reported that I troll for submissions, and others implied that I’ll post anything sent my way, like content from personal blogs, even though I only post examples from social media. BabyCenter called the blog “mom-bashing.” 

No one emphasizes that it’s meant to be funny. No one talks about the Mom’s Gold Star. And most people aren’t highlighting the fact that many of the site’s readers are parents. It’s almost like the parenting (and “mommy”) community at large is in total denial that parents can find overshare annoying, or find this blog funny. And I think that’s really fucking stupid. 

Sure, some parents (especially those who overshare), are unapologetic and think the site is full of shit (which it is, thanks to them). There’s no doubt in my mind that this blog is not for everyone, nor has that ever been the goal. You can’t please everyone.

The thing that gets me is the level of assumption people have about me personally. According to a handful of assholes, I’m a “party girl” who likes to get drunk and post a lot of duckface pictures online. And while I do enjoy the occasional cocktail and a good game of shakeface, those things are completely untrue. 

One woman wrote on her blog:

Or what about the woman from The Motherhood who told The TODAY Show, “And I can guarantee you that if she decides she wants to become a parent, she will be there, and she REALLY will appreciate the community that’s there to support her.”

Gee, from what I’ve read this week on Babble, BabyCenter, Lifetime Moms, and various personal blogs, it sure sounds like a kickass community I’d want to be a part of! No thanks, ladies. I’m good. Whether or not I have or want to have kids should not be part of this discussion. It detracts from the purpose of the blog and causes me to write posts like this one, which causes readers to send me tweets like this:

And with that, I am officially ending the week (and a half) o’ me. It’s over, everyone! I’m re-lacing my tap shoes. You can stop leaving comments like this while I relax on the first blog hiatus I’ve ever taken. 

No, wait. One more thing:

Fright Fest begins on Monday, folks. And this year, you can thank all of the people who keep talking about my “childlessness” for examples like the below, because I’m dedicating every single post to them. 

como crear un gif

Oh, and to “Michael mint.”

Michael mint, whoever you are, this shit stain’s for you:

See you guys on Monday! 

cauldron smiley

Don’t forget to check out my column on Mommyish, "Things I Can’t Do Once I Have a Kid!" Did you know that after people have kids they can no longer ride bikes or have decorative plant racks? True story.

(submitted by Anonymous)

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