This week on Mommyish, I talked about some of the ways that parents sexualize their children on social media. In the last year or so, I’ve received a lot of submissions that fall into this category (a sub-category of “questionable parenting” in my official filing system), and the entries always confuse me. Does it take some special brain chemistry for parents to want their kids to be perceived as “sexy”? Does it require a steady diet of Maury Povich, misplaced priorities, and Four Loko? Or can any moron who reproduces wake up one day and think, “Today! Today is the day I shall discuss my son’s penis on the Internet and purchase pole dancing classes for my five-year-old daughter!”? I’m not saying these are things that keep me up at night, but after reading the outrage to Elizabeth Hurley’s very successful bikini line for young girls, I figured now would be a good time to post some of the “sexy” submissions taking up space on my “sexy” external hard drive. Rawr!
1. FUTURE KING
Ahh, this submission takes me back to Father’s Day, Avrum Zoilo, and this. Except, none of those people made a blow job joke in reference to their unborn son’s penis OR put “Yolo” before their name on Facebook, so clearly Kayla wins this round.
2. Sexy Babies
Some people hope for healthy babies. Alan hopes for a sexy baby. Well, I shouldn’t say “hopes” since it’s more like he KNOWS he’s having a sexy baby. Call it a father’s intuition, call it genealogical certainty…the fact is, Alan is going to have one hell of a sexy boy and he cant wait. His baby is gonna run so much game.
3. Onesie Jokes
Douchebag baby clothes come in a range of sizes, but they all carry the same message: This baby is hung like a horse mobile. It’s really a shame that a onesie can cause me to lose faith in everything from parenting to hoagies. Since when did it become acceptable to compare a baby’s genitals to a sub sandwich?
4. Boobs ‘N’ Bras
Fun fact: I got my first training bra when I was eleven, and I barely needed it. I remember my aunt noticing that I was wearing a bra and feeling incredibly embarrassed despite her good intentions of acknowledging my flat-chested womanhood. If only my mom had put me in a bra at age four or five, maybe I wouldn’t have been so embarrassed. Or flat-chested! Maybe by then I could’ve gotten implants or something. I feel like I missed out on a real opportunity here.
Look at how much fun this little girl is having! Don’t you wish your mom had posted a picture like this of you online when you were little? I sure wish mine had, almost as much as I wish she’d posted about my first period. Where are the time capsules that hold all this information? The letters that went out to our neighbors my about developmental milestones? Ugh, the olden days were so drab, you guys. It’s like parents didn’t even care.
5. Yeah, no.
Let’s end this post on a positive note! Shannon and her 7-year-old son have a close bond, a VERY close bond, and she’s making it official on Facebook with this picture. It’s totally normal. Totally adorable. And something tells me Shannon will be posting an update just like this before she knows it. The kids grow up so fast, don’t they?
Don’t forget to check out my column on Mommyish, featuring several more eye-popping examples of how parents (inadvertently or blatantly) sexualize their kids online. It’s fun for the whole family!
(submitted by Anonymous)