Let’s Talk About…Baby Names

Whew! It’s been a busy week over at STFUP HQ, and I apologize for the lack of posts. To make up for my slack, let’s talk a little trash about baby names, which happen to be the subject of this week’s column on Mommyish.

Despite having covered this territory before, there’s still something so satisfying about "wacky baby name" posts. Maybe it’s because they don’t include a picture of floating poop, or maybe it’s because they’re just genuinely funny; either way, there’s a universal understanding that sometimes, bad names happen to innocent babies (or, “normal” names are given for somewhat ridiculous reasons).

That said, I’m not trying to tell people what to name or not name their kids. If you want to name your child "Vagena" or "Justyce" or “Rope Swing Koala Bear” then by all means, do it! Uniqueness Yooneekness makes the world a better place. Just keep in mind that as immature as it may be, there are going to be people like me who scratch their heads when they hear a goofy name and then amusingly picture the parents writing it on the baby’s birth certificate. Like when parents consciously write the name "Abcde" on their child’s first official piece of documentation…what exactly are they thinking??

Suffice it to say, I know this is a sensitive subject. Every time I run one of these posts someone (or many people) in the comments will point out that Absinthe is a totally popular name in Ukraine, or that I’m a jerk for judging parents for making name choices that they happen to love. To all of you people, I apologize (for the second time in this post!) in advance. I promise if I ever meet your children I will not laugh in their faces. I will just picture Matt Dillon’s musician character in “Singles” saying, "We’re huge in Europe right now." Besides, the more yooneek a name is, the happier the parents are, right? Why should my crummy opinion matter? It doesn’t! 

Let’s check out some recent examples and attempt to get to the bottom of why some parents choose the names that they do for their children:

1. Namesakes

There’s nothing wrong with the name Dante, and nothing wrong with having an obsession over a video game character (I guess), but let’s take a look at the picture Angela is referring to

OK, so, he is “a fine ass piece of pixelated tail” (I guess), but this picture kind of skeeves me out. Angela named her kid after a "sexy" drawing of a dude with a guitar who slays demons? Because the (animated) dude is hot? Is this like a wish fulfillment type of thing? 

Weird.

2. Twin Blunders

Ahhh, it’s like Vagena and Vadgesty all over again. Memories!! What do you want to bet at least one of these two precious angels changes her name the moment she turns 18?

3. When Names Defy Logic

I’m confused by the name Rebluntay. What does it mean? Is it like rolling a blunt in reverse? I tried spelling it backwards to see if there was any hidden meaning, but it’s just Yatnulber. :(

4. Lessons In Spelling

Hmmm, how does the name “Shay’Lenn Heaven Neveah Hope” sound?It sounds fucking stupid. I’m glad that someone finally asked Josh why he needs heaven both forwards and backwards, although that observation merely scratches the surface of what’s dumb about the name. Only Lora stands in full support, ‘cuz Josh is her cuz.

5. Bad Names Stir Confusion

You know you’ve chosen a real joke of a name if the first thing your friend says after reading a good health report about your unborn baby is, “…will that be her name???” Three question marks is also never a good thing. Thank god for pirate speak, because otherwise I’d be running through the thousands of reasons “Adorabelle” is the most un-clever name I’ve ever heard. Instead, I’m just entertained by others’ inanity.

6. Generational Coolness

As I said in my column, I am perpetually (yes, perpetually!) irked by “cool” names doled out by “cool” people. Whether you’re a nerd (who thinks being a nerd is cool), a hipster (who thinks being a hipster is cool), or some other variation of "tubular," if you name your kid something like “Ninja Qwest” then I am judging you. I’m sorry, but I am. I think your kid’s name is dumber than a bag of poop rocks and preschool graduation. Tiberius? Right. Good one, Erin’s husband. You’re a cool dude, and your imaginary son is a Roman Emperor and/or the Starfleet’s youngest captain

Don’t forget to check out even more questionable baby names over on Mommyish! One word: Antione. (That’s the punchline to a double entendre joke. Very meta.)

(submitted by Anonymous)

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