This week on Mommyish, we’re heading back to school. Sadly, this year’s round-up on the blog doesn’t include any locker chandeliers, but hey, we can’t hope for glitz and glamour every school year, can we? Let’s just get back to basics by taking a look at some typical back-to-school submissions written by some pretty average folks. Oh, and one woman who came up with the brilliant, never-before-conceived idea of taking a picture of her kid every single day for an entire school year. Seriously - every day! For a year! It’s called ART, people. The woman is a freakin’ genius. We’re talking about stepping into unprecedented territory here.
But first, a few other thoughts parents had on back-to-school:
1. Early Judgement
What Meredith is saying here is that she’s trying not to pass early judgment (or “judgement with an e,” if you’re into that kind of thing), as opposed to say, passing plain old regular judgment, which will automatically commence when the school year begins as it does every other year. THIS year, she’s considering throwing a dollop o’ judging on top of her Judgement sundae, starting with a brief, passing thought of light judgery, later congealing into a status update on Facebook, and then perhaps - if Kip’s teacher is lucky - resulting in a fully formalized judge-a-thon via email or through an official school complaint. I mean really, who does Kip’s teacher think she is? A woman absent of obligation?
Yes, the world would be a better place with two “mini-Davids” in it, one can presume, but that would only make sense if David was actually going to have twins. As it stands now, he’s just teaching them. But thanks for the comment, Margaret; you make an EXCELLENT case for “scanning” not counting as reading.
3. Woe Is Mom
LOL those weeds aren’t going to pick themselves! And that housework isn’t going to get done by stuffed animals! The car can’t be driven by the family dog, and the bills won’t get paid by a pack of adorable mice. Nope! These things will only get done by the CEO of the household, otherwise known as a mom. Who needs a job when there’s mom business to take care of? LOL
4. Welfare Handouts
Hey, you know who doesn’t deserve to get school supplies this year? POOR KIDS. Those little bastards (in some cases literally bastard children, amirite?!) may not be to blame for existing and desiring an education, but their lazy-ass parents who don’t have jobs sure as hell are! Who knows why a poor kid’s parents are on welfare; the point is, those parents should have thought of their kids needing school supplies before ever giving birth to them!
Why should someone who wants for nothing contribute to society’s desire to be lazy? Why should the GOOD parents be punished by all the shitty parents? So what if little Billy needs to blow his nose or use a spiral notebook in class? Whose fault is that? Why should a tax-paying citizen who’s already paying for Billy’s food, clothes, housing, and toys be forced to cough up another dollar or two when it’s not Michael’s responsibility to be a parent to these disadvantaged children?!? Tell those kids to work for their own damn snot rags! It’s this exact reason that child labor laws should be more relaxed in this country.
5. Mom’s Gold Star
I like these people. They all deserve Gold Stars, really, as do the employees of this particular Walgreens for their strategic wine display placement. It reminds me of this sign that I saw at my local Walgreens here in Brooklyn. I guess the employees just have a knack for all things alcohol-related.
6. Daily Photo Opps
Finally, we have little McKenzie, who has just entered preschool and will forever associate “school” with “motherfucking picture day…EVERY DAY.”
You can’t see it, but the look on her face is, “Didn’t we do this yesterday? Now I know what “grinning and bearing it” means. Thanks, Mom!”
Arms crossed. The look on her face is “complacent frustration.” If I was a body behavior expert like the ones consulted by Us Weekly to determine whether Rihanna was actually turned on by a hot dog vendor in SoHo (“Her smile says it all!”), then I would have to say that McKenzie is thisclose to “accidentally” dropping her mom’s camera in the toilet.
OK, so McKenzie’s got a genuine smile on her face in this one, but mostly because it’s her birthday and she’s dressed up like a princess. Fast-forward to tomorrow’s post-ice cream hangover, and I’m guessing that smile was replaced by a scowl that only a mother could love.
McKenzie is full-on rocking that side ponytail, but instead of calling attention to it, her mom apologizes for forgetting to take a picture on Day 60. It’s like she doesn’t even recognize an opportunity when she sees one anymore. She’s just drowning in Day 60 guilt.
[Ed note: Unless she’s saying that it’s Day 62, and she forgot to upload Day 61 on Day 61. Either way, hellooo, you’re ignoring your kid’s side-pony.]
I think Chelsey (she of “no”/”know” confusion) might be McKenzie’s mom, but I’m not positive. What I do
no know for sure is that McKenzie’s expression here is the facial equivalent of the phrase OVER IT.
In case you were wondering how many photos were in the 2011 McKenzie-Preschool folder as of the time of this submission, there’s your answer: 109. Which, by my estimation, is several dozen pictures off, but hey, maybe the submitter took this screen shot a few months shy of the end of the academic year? We already know that McKenzie’s mom may have stupidly forgotten Day 60, but I’ve got high hopes that she remembered the remaining 70. If anything, she got a good year of practice in. Now that the 2012 year is starting, she won’t make the same mistake twice!
Don’t forget to check out my column on Mommyish, featuring an attitudinal sanctimommy, a teacher-mocking moron, and a little bit of language butchery for good measure!
(submitted by Anonymous)
****NOTE: If you have the means, Donors Choose is a great organization through which you can help support students by making a donation. My personal recommendation would be to donate a dollar for every asshole in example #4, which, depending on if you’re counting “Likes,” pans out to either $5 or $13. Your dollars go a long way, you guys. Thanks!*****