This week, I’m running a three-part series with a bunch of submissions that center around summertime. Because many parents tend to spend considerably more time with their kids when they’re not in school, I wind up with a lot of submissions about all things summer. So I figured rather than post them all on the blog, why not spread the love? You can find Part I over on Mommyish, Part II on The Huffington Post, and Part III right here! Each round-up has special submissions that set it apart from the rest, while all three round-ups feature a common link of ice cream, floaters (not the ice cream kind), and the general theme of summertime overshare.
Let’s get started!
1. Dear Ice Cream Truck
I’ll give Lauren credit for drafting her fake letter to the ice cream truck rather than the ice cream man, since it’s the music playing from the truck that’s “ruining” nap time, but she lost me when she said, “I was about to go out there and shoo him away.”
First of all, as previously discussed about eight thousand times, the world does not revolve around children’s nap times. It’s an utterly tragic fact and difficult lesson for parents to learn, but that’s the deal. It’s also especially ironic when the parents of those napping babies and toddlers suddenly have big kids who LOVE the ice cream man, because all of their complaints turn into, “Why isn’t the ice cream truck coming down our street anymore?? My child LOVES ice cream and LOVES the ice cream truck song and is always asking us about it!”
Secondly, you don’t “shoo” a person away. You shoo pigeons away, or flies off your food. The ice cream man is not a pigeon or a fly. He’s a person who delivers delicious treats practically to your front door for a few precious months each year. Leave him alone! Yes, the truck’s song is grating, but it’s alerting you to one of God’s best inventions idling just up the street. Dont hate on that.
2. Accidents Happen
Accidents happen. Of course they do. And Chena’s daughter Pneuma [Ed. note: Seriously?!] is makin progress on the potty trainn so NO JUDGING. But, here’s a question: Why is this information being posted about on Facebook? And here’s another question: Why isn’t Pneuma wearing swimmies? Chena doesn’t give any indication that her kid was properly equipped to take a dump in her bathing suit, and that’s a Nasty problem for anyone who happens to share a body of water with Pneuma in the near future. Hopefully potty trainning [sic] success is just around the track.
3. Obsessed Mommy
Amanda’s update takes me back to one of the creepiest submissions ever posted to the blog, except that hers is slightly more clever. But by clever I mean, “Holy shit this is weird.” Also, let’s never forget this. I wouldn’t want to be the unfortunate child who winds up with a crush on Amanda’s son, that’s for damn sure.
Here are some things that have nothing in common with each other:
- Having a bad day and a child turning six
- Dead squirrels and getting engaged
- Hawaiian vacations and childbirth
Thanks for the hilarious comment, Pink, but approximately ZERO of your friends want to think about your lady parts getting “shredded” by your baby. Unless “lady parts” is a euphemism for a stack of junk mail, you might want to avoid using a term that makes people think of this. Or this. Or, god forbid, this.
5. “Lime Refresher”
You know what’s fun to Instagram? A plastic cup of your child’s “recycled” pee. What a silly thing to share with friends! Especially with all the urine bubbles floating at the top. Oh the things moms do.
PS: Please note that I wrote “moms.” Not “Moms” as a proper noun, and not “mom’s” as a possessive noun - just “moms.” Plain ole moms. Like “pull-ups” or “lime refreshers.” Since when did pluralization become such a struggle?
6. Summer Freedoms
OK, so Ashley got the pluralization right with “do-dos,” but she also posted an Instagram on Facebook of her daughter pissing in her boss’s backyard. Someday I’m going to round up all of the pictures people have sent me of their friends’ kids peeing and pooping outside just to illustrate how common the practice is. I have whole folders of them. You’re going to thank me!
Oh yeah, and what the hell is Amber talking about?
7. Post-Holiday Questions With Obvious Answers
Sorry for the small print, but suffice it to say I’m with Stephen on this one. Aside from Marci’s question being totally ridiculous (um, her kid ate BEETS and she’s asking why her poop is purple?), why did a picture need to accompany her status update? Did she think people wouldn’t believe her? Or does she derive some kind of weird pleasure from showing off pictures of her child’s “outrageous” purple poop on the Internet?
I think you can guess my answer.
Be sure to click here to read my Mommyish column, featuring a shit-sprayed fan and some cold and creamy breast milk ice cream! And click here to check out my Huffington Post gallery, which inspired this adorable series of comments:
(submitted by Anonymous)