It’s been a while since I posted a mommyjacking round-up, so today I put together a little collection of one of my favorite subcategories: The Non-Sequitur. Remember Charlie’s Angels, Caroline is 6 Today, and whatever this woman was talking about? Those were good times. Some parents will find any - and I mean any - opportunity to talk about their kids, even if what they want to say is completely unrelated to whatever their friend is talking about.
It’s also kind of sad (but extremely amusing) that a few of the ‘jackers try to “relate” their comment to their friend’s update, usually unsuccessfully. Why bother? I say go the way of Kaitlin Said Mamma and spare everyone the niceties. Unfortunately, the people in the following examples have yet to become the masters of mommyjacking that Kaitlin’s mamma is. These ladies are all lowly grasshoppers, for sure. There is much to be learned.
1. Say What?
I’m imagining Christina cringing as she typed that ‘lol,’ because when you add ‘lol’ to your comment - and your comment is already off-topic - you know you’re not making sense anymore. Not that I’m a fan of cryptic open-ended updates like Bev’s, but Christina’s comment is really reaching. Plus, it’s not like the whole “being pregnant” thing isn’t going to work out. At some point, the baby will come out. It’s a total guarantee. Which makes Christina’s comment even more annoying.
2. Repeating Games
Hey Sophia, STFU. Your friend Katie is heading to the Amazon for a site visit and you’re blabbering about nap time and “I love you”s. I’m not suggesting that the feeling you get after hearing Mimi say “I love you” isn’t equal to the feeling Katie gets while working in the Amazon. I’m saying the two aren’t even remotely comparable and I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. How are these two things related? And why would you “copy” Katie by saying, “All in a day’s work. :)”? Are you trying to prove a point, or are you just letting her know that Mimi said “I love you” by being “cheeky” aka looking like an asshole? Whatever your intentions are, they’re not working. We’re talking about the largest and most species-rich tract of tropical rainforest in the world here. Not a napping toddler with a sweet disposition.
Katie - 1
Sophia - 0
3. Cool Story, Bro
Whoaaa, Naomi, great story but what does your kid waking you up have to do with Courtney’s sneezing fit? I’ll tell you: nothing!
A piece of advice for all the moms out there: If you refer to yourself in the third person by saying things like “mommy’s little sleeping tornado” on Facebook, and it doesn’t lead to a joke or anything slightly funny, you’ve officially crossed into geriatric territory. Your level of sincerity should not be that high on the Internet. That kind of maudlin temperament should be reserved for people aged 65+.
4. Lies, All Lies
I’m sorry, did Patricia just say that Olivia would have as much fun watching Patricia change dirty diapers as she would trying on wigs? And then pull the old, “Come overrrrrrr nowwwwww we gotta hang ouuuutttttt!!!!!!” card? Those are both extremely weak attempts at attracting attention to oneself. For one thing, pretty much nothing in this world is as enjoyable as trying on wigs. I don’t care if it’s a clown wig, a Tina Turner wig, a Raquel Welsh wig, or the kind of wig you put on when you want to go out and get fucked up, the only thing I can think of that’s maybe as fun as trying on wigs is eating tacos.
Aside from that, begging your friends to come over by “joking” about changing a dozen diapers a day is not going to win you any visits. If your friend wants to visit you, she’ll visit. If she’d rather try on wigs, there’s nothing you can do to lure her over. (Probably not even tacos, because who wants to eat tacos while watching her friend change dirty diapers?) Deal with it.
5. Empty Apologies
I honestly stared at this submission for several minutes trying to figure out if I’ve posted it before, which is pretty sad if you consider how truly memorable it is (or should be?). Katie’s comment is so out of left field, I can’t begin to understand why she posted it. Why would knowing that a teenager’s voice is cracking make anyone feel better? If anything, it makes me feel bad. It makes me think of the Judy Blume book “Then Again, Maybe I Won’t,” whose descriptions of a young boy’s embarrassing journey through puberty both endeared and frightened me. I realize Katie is just trying to make her friend laugh, but no one’s going to feel better about a stolen gas cap because of a lame story about a kid’s voice cracking. I think Katie owes Candy a new gas cap just for leaving that comment. I bet it would make Candy feel better, too. :o)
(submitted by Anonymous)