This week on Mommyish, I brought the conversation back to those lovably apeshit people also known as Angry Parents. The number of submissions about hostility that I receive goes up by the day, and I feel as though I’m doing you readers a disservice by hoarding their crazy all to myself. Why should I get to peruse this fiercely insane entertainment when I owe it to you all of you to share? If anything, you have a right to this information simply for safety purposes.
Let today’s examples be a lesson: You never know who you’re dealing with in the real world. No one is safe from these lunatics. Not even little girls.
1. Woe Is Mombie
It’s no secret that Girl Scouts are little punk asses, what with their enthusiasm and their cookie peddling, but I find it alarming that Lindsey doesn’t think she was just a wee bit hard on the little girl who knocked on her door. Talk about a narrow field of vision. Isn’t this how the so-called Mombie Apocalypse begins? Enraged mothers screaming at Girl Scouts who are trying to sell delicious (if overpriced) cookies? Lindsey better watch out, because if that little girl’s mother is as much of a mama bear as the rest of the women in today’s post, she’s going to get a box of cookies pelted right at her face.
2. Unleash the Fury
People are so stoopid. And not only are they imbiciles, but they’re RUDE imbiciles who don’t know who they’re messing with! Dana is a perfectly nice, relaxed, and breezy person who enjoys long walks on the beach and listening to Peter Frampton Live, but if you go messing with her children then she WILL unleash her
furry fury, and sometimes that fury comes in the form of running her truck all over your front lawn. Other times in comes in the form of a swift punch to the gut, and on rare occasions, it might even come with setting your mailbox on fire as your children say, “Mommy, why is the mean lady exploding our mailbox?” At which point you can turn to them and explain that, “Mommy wasn’t very nice to the mean lady, so now the mean lady is unleashing hell unto our world.”
That might sound extreme but when you’re a mother you will do anything for your child because that’s just what mothers do!!!! Don’t fuck with Dana’s children!
3. Small Towns
To clarify, A. says she didn’t have enough visibility to tell whether the Chrysler was a white drop top, but despite that lack of proof, J. is one hundred percent convinced that it’s the same “wanna-be gangster” who was speeding and weaving past her the other day. Upon reading this, I asked the submitter if s/he thought it was possible that the cars were driven by the same person, and the response I got was, “Not really. Depending on where they’re talking about, it’s either 80k or 20k people. The chances that they’re talking about the same person are exceedingly low.”
This brings me to my next point: Why do people like this seek out this drama? Is life really that boring? “You better hope & pray I don’t see you somewhere, white boy!! I WISH you’d hit my car! I wish you’d sent me to the hospital and gotten to experience my personal version of PAYBACK! Ooooohhhh HOW I WISH YOU’D SMASHED INTO MY VEHICLE GOING 70 MPH!”
I just don’t get it.
4. The Queen Of Anger Management
Stephanie is having a lovely day!! She decided a long time ago to enforce a strident policy that SHE DON’T PLAY when it comes to her family, and that policy has served her well! She’s more vibrant, well-rested, and ready to lace up and throw down the instant someone in her family has a complaint. You guys know the old expression: “You mess with a moma hens chicks you will get that a$$ flogged quick.” Stephanie lives her life by those sacred words!
It’s important to keep your sense of humor, even when you’re doling out beat downs. LMFAO, fools better learn from example or STEPHANIE WILL KICK THEIR ASSES AGAIN!!!!
5. Blood Pressers
When you’re too old to kick that ass, you can still slash a fat ass coach’s tires. Don’t let any person of authority from your kid’s school - be it a teacher, coach, principal, or lunch lady - fuck with your kids, ‘cause if they do, they deserve to get fuk’d with. This is how the world works, and fat ass coaches ought to know better. JS
For more Angry Parents - including mothers seeking revenge in the form of throat-punching, worm-dousing, and a custom license plate - head over to Mommyish to read my column! Those crazy assholes are in abundance!
Related: Angry Parents Inaugural Post
(submitted by Anonymous)