This week on Mommyish, I glimpse into the very pregnant world of maternity photos. Because maternity pics have become so ubiquitous and gimmicky and popular on other blogs that cover the subject far better than I could, I’ve mostly shied away from posting the submissions I’ve received. Sure, we’ve seen the smiling boob, chiffon belly kisses, heart hands, barefoot woman / bare-chested man, and the Atlas God pose, but out of more than 1300 posts, that’s not really too many. So today I’m going to remedy that colossal mistake on my part and play a little catch-up. Keep in mind these submissions only comprise a small percentage of what I have in my files and are a specially curated selection of trends. They’re maternity pic staples, so to speak, and they deserve proper recognition. These photos are what social media is all about right now. Part-sincerity, part-narcissism, part-ridiculousness, and part-WTF.
1. Pregnancy Is a Gift
Everyone knows that having a baby is a precious miracle bestowed unto every woman from God Himself, but juuuust in case you weren’t sure of that fact, women in maternity photo shoots like to tie a gift tag around their bellies. For proof.
Photoshop plays a different role in a pregnant woman’s life than it used to. Previously, Photoshop might be used to help soften or “correct” a woman’s imperfections, but now it’s used to do all sorts of weird stuff. Like this, or like the photo above, where I guess the couple Photoshopped the now-born baby onto his/her mother’s then-pregnant belly? It’s just so strange to post this on Facebook, like you’re giving your friends and co-workers a window into crazy, but increasingly I’m discovering that I’m in the minority for thinking so.
Some people also do stuff like this:
The blue nails and fuchsia/red robe were clearly stylistic choices. Bad ones. I don’t have acrylic nails but even I know that shit needs fillers. And the baby itself…what can I say? It’s artistic. If it was hand-painted or hand-drawn, it’s a job well done. This whole picture is amazing, actually. I’m with Tiegen.
Va-va-va-voom! Someone’s having a baby and getting sexy. And using clip art to enhance an otherwise blurry, slightly calendar girl-esque picture of a pregnant woman chilling out on the couch in some black lace and pearls. Allyn had a vision and (literally) brought it to life.
This might be my favorite maternity picture submission I’ve received thus far. It’s almost an optical illusion, with all the hearts and bubbles and bright letters. It takes a second to be like, “OH, it’s a bath. OH, those hearts are supposed to represent “love.” Because she’s pregnant. And that’s a belly. And those are her knees. And Christy loves baths. OK, I get it.”
5. Amateur Hour
If you’re going to take pictures of your belly, try to take them in a room with more lighting than a bomb shelter. Also, don’t take them until you actually have something to show. Last night’s 2 A.M. run to Taco Bell doesn’t count, especially if it’s the only reason your stomach is protruding since you’re just five weeks pregnant.
Come on, Julanne (if that it is, in fact, how you spell your name). Don’t scare off your friends before you’ve hit the halfway mark in your first trimester. You’ve got a long way to go, and so do they.
For more (awesome, crazy, just plain weird) maternity pic submissions, check out my column on Mommyish! A self-proclaimed “hot piece of ass” posing in her underwear will undoubtedly impress you.
(submitted by Anonymous)