Maybe I wouldn’t be as disgusted by Jamey’s status update if Stephen hadn’t chimed in with his sweeeet and warrrrrrrm comment, but now I feel grossed out. Can’t parents just stop talking about what their baby’s breath and poop and farts and skin smell like? I’m getting sensory overload over here.

I mean I get it — your baby was born and smelled like a newborn baby. Then your baby pooped and it smelled like microwavable popcorn and made you hungry. Then the baby farted and it smelled like your own shit because you breast-feed and it’s just so WACKY that your bodily emissions smell similar, and then your baby breathed on you and it was like a symphony of sweetness that you’d like to bottle and spray on your pillow before bed. All of that blew your nostrils mind, and I get that, but why does everyone else need to know? And what kind of person says stuff like, “I’ve known some kids with crazy breath.”? That’s like saying, “I’ve known some grandmas with irregular bowel syndrome,” or, “I’ve known some convicts with crazy tattoos.” It’s all relative. Just keep it to yourself, especially if the observation causes you to make comparisons to the child’s father. Does anybody remember this post? Yeah. Me too.

(submitted by Anonymous)

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