How to Write a Perfectly Balanced Angry Facebook Update

The more submissions I receive about angry parents, the more I find myself thinking about the proper ways to express anger on social media. Personally, I try not to express it at all, because like most people, I don’t process my anger intellectually before speaking. I just open my mouth and let the expletives fly. “That stupid fucking bitch gave me a VANILLA milkshake and I said I wanted PART FUCKING VANILLA AND PART ESPRESSO!!!! ASSHOLE!!!” Thankfully, my mama raised me up to know that saying stuff like that doesn’t make me look very good or nice, so I at leasttry to avoid being angry online and in public spaces like parks and churches. When possible, I mean. Exceptions can be made, like the time I cursed out a rental car for breaking down on the New Jersey Turnpike, but you get my point. Most of the time if I’m royally pissed off, you won’t hear about it on Twitter or on my personal Facebook account.

That said, I’ve started considering which "Goldilocks" folder angry parent submissions should fall in when I file them: Too little anger, too much anger, or just the right amount? Speaking as a loudmouth, I do think there’s a way to express anger that makes a person sound lame. It annoys me to no end when people complain while biting their tongue at the same time. “Grrr, I HATE my daughter’s teacher!!! I have SO many nasty things to say about that woman but I WON’T because I don’t want to be rude and insult her on Facebook!!” Ummm. OK? 

To give you an idea of what I mean, here are, in my opinion, three ways of expressing anger as a parent on Facebook:

1. Too Little Anger

"Kiss my grits"? Rebecca, you’re kind of adorable for saying that, but what do you really want to say? Might I suggest changing “grits” to “ass”? You know it’s what you meant, and it sounds so much ruder! Get trashy with it. Being the bigger person means being able to step out of ugly situations with dignity. But is it so dignified to be angry on Facebook? Maybe not. If you’re going to shave a few dignity points off the old resume, why not do it with chutzpah? Tell the person’s who’s pissing you off that they can SUCK IT. You don’t have to name names; just own that rage and flaunt your inappropriate side. Give the people something to fear! 

2. Too Much Anger

"…you will see me turn in to a not so fucking nice courtley!!!" <—- Wait. So this is Courtley at a "6" or a "7"? Yikes. I’m inclined to say that I’d happily pay to watch Courtley on "10" fight her detractors behind some sort of cage, but that would be over-the-line, just as Courtley’s status update is over-the-line. According to the submitter, Courtley is 20 years old, which, judging by her attitude, places her firmly in the "I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" category. Hopefully in a few years she’ll learn to tone down all that hostility, and perhaps even discover the difference between “advise” and “advice.” Poor Weslee is going to be stuck with that name spelling forever, tough though.

3. Just Right

Now this is the kind of bizarre expression of hostility I can get behind.  It’s so concise and full of facts. Belinda’s baby is getting older. He (or she) can do some stuff. They’re still figuring out sleeping through the night, but at 10 months old her baby is doing great. Also, on a separate note, if you have something to say to Belinda, talk shit to her face bitch. :)

Perfect for the baby book! Way to channel that anger, Belinda. I’m imagining you sipping an iced tea with lemon while typing this and possibly watching Judge Judy in the background. That’s my kind of lady. Keeping the crazy at bay…but just barely.

(submitted by Anonymous)

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