This week on Mommyish, I talk about a section of my poop submissions folder that’s dedicated to just one thing: constipation. When it comes to parent overshare on Facebook, it seems that constipation is a subject that’s hard to avoid (no pun intended). First, it has a universal quality (I refuse to call it “appeal”), so all parents understand. Hell, all people in general understand, except the difference is, it’s not typically okay to discuss feeling constipated on the internet when you’re an adult, and it is TOTALLY okay to discuss feeling constipated on the internet if you’re the adult parent of a baby.
Oversharing parents might not agree with me that that’s the rule they abide by, but based on my inbox, it is. It’s one of those topics that parents will laugh about and say, “Just wait until you have kids! One day, your baby will be super constipated and you WILL talk about it on the internet. Especially if it results in a huge blowout! JUST WAIT AND YOU’LL SEE HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” And while I do get where those parents are coming from, it’s the ways in which they discuss constipation that are super fucking nasty. Wanna know why? Check out the below examples.
1. Tug O’ Poop
We’ve sadly seen this before with Pull a Poop and The Bobby and Whitney Maneuver (RIP Whitney!), and it never gets any easier. I’m guessing Anna might feel similarly, but then I NEVER thought someone would name her baby “Zaylin,” so I don’t want to go assuming anything. (PS: Supposedly Zaylin is derived from Sarah. The person who wrote/conceived of that must have been drunk.)
2. Hot N’ Cold
Applying heat to prunes essentially means, “Hold your baby’s ass over an open flame and watch that shit turn to liquid,” right? I mean, I’m not saying the two have anything in common, but somehow reading Blue’s comment made me think of the final scene in Terminator 2: Judgment Day.
Maybe it’s the way she added, “…it works wonders,” that grosses me out, or maybe it’s the fact that her comment was entirely unnecessary considering this child already pooped as a result of eating prunes! Once the kid has pooped and the mission is accomplished, a comment like Blue’s just sounds like some weird soft prune constipation recipe fetish.
You know what, K? You do sound helpful. You sound like a lady who’s been there, done that, and has the poop stains on her walls to prove it. But the next time you want to give some advice, click the little “message” button instead. And maybe try not to say things like, “…3 kids that had the same issue as newborns.” What does that mean? Did you mean when your kids were newborns, or that they have IBM or something…?
I’m going to stop thinking about this now.
4. Extremely Depressed
I know this is small, and you can’t click on it (sorry!), but we’re talking about a dude who’s detailing his son’s constipation ‘depression’ on Facebook. Even the most hard core of scrapbookers (if there is such a thing) wouldn’t write about that shit. C’mon, Brandon. And thank god for Jacob, the man who’s not afraid to say what a good portion of Brandon’s friends are probably thinking. Facebook should develop some sort of algorithm that systematically removes poop posts from a person’s newsfeed. Too bad it never will, and we’re all stuck (so to speak) with Brandon, whose version of “extreme” has gone from this to this since becoming a dad.
5. Constipation Drama
Um, hey Roberto? How about a nice tall glass of GROW THE FUCK UP. Kalyn’s son has LITERALLY been pushing a piece of shit at least an inch+ diamater [sic] like a plug out of his tiny baby man butt all day, and then look who comes marching along to say, “TMI.” Well whoop-dee-fucking-doo, Roberto doesn’t want to hear about Kalyn’s baby man’s plug-shaped dinosaur poop that’s practically fossilized from being in the poor baby man’s butt for way too long. Like anyone cares what Roberto thinks. Don’t like it, don’t read it. That’s what I always say!
For more tales of constipation woe, including an unfortunate yet pointed use of the word “gloop,” head over to Mommyish to read my new column!
(submitted by Anonymous)