One of the most common retorts in a mommyjacker’s comment arsenal is some form of, “Just wait until you have kids.” In a sense, all of mommyjacking can be explained in those six words, so for a while I found myself more interested in submissions that didn’t include some variation of that classic response. It wasn’t that I was bored of those submissions so much as I wanted to highlight other types of mommyjacking, like deathjacking and shamejacking and milestonejacking. But while I was busy posting those slightly “edgier” examples, I was still collecting a diaper pail’s worth of classic mommyjacking submissions that, when read together, are simply hilarious.
I suppose I just enjoy rounding up analogous submissions and then reading them in succession for kicks. Read independently, the submissions are slightly obnoxious, but together, they create a megamommyjacking entity, like a force field of narcissism. Below, I’ve collected some (not even all!) of these classic hijackings to take things old school, mommyjacking style.
1. Your Good Week < Your Firstborn
Hey, Lindsay, did you get a promotion or a clean bill of health or eat an awesome plate of nachos or something? Just wait til your lil first child is born [self-righteous winky face]. The feeling is out of the world. THE WORLD!
2. USPS Delivery < Baby Delivery
I love Alexandra’s response here. It’s a three-pronged approach:
- I don’t want to have a baby right now and find your comment laughable.
- I’m actually hoping for the opposite of a baby, as I plan to dedicate the next several years of my life to medical school.
- I’m now spelling out what USPS means.
3. Napping Hierarchy
Ohhh, the unladylike things I want to say to Stana but won’t because my mother occasionally reads this blog. I will say this, though: What kind of monster “ranks” napping? “Your nap wasn’t as pleasant as my nap! Your nap was like falling asleep on a dirty hammock made of rusty twine and my nap was like falling asleep on a fluffy cloud over the ocean! Baby Naps Reprazent!”
As long as you’re not napping with a rake, a hornet’s nest or an open bag of tacks, who gives a shit? It’s probably pretty relaxing.
4. Puppy Birthdays < Children’s Birthdays
Hurry up, Katie! You’re LATE! Haven’t you looked at a calendar? You’re not getting any younger! Which you should know because your little puppy is now a dog! Hurry, hurry, hurry…your children’s lives hang in the balance!!!
5. Your Laundry < Mom Laundry
This one is factual: Moms do have more laundry to do than “non-moms” like Meggie. But, because it’s factual it almost makes the laundry mommyjacking argument even more pointless. What is Meggie supposed to say to Rachel? “HEHE, yes, when you have more people, you have more laundry, and when one of them poops their pants all day, you have three times as much!”? What a fun discussion. This is why minutiae is so uninteresting on social media. You wind up literally talking about doing laundry on the internet when you could be watching this.
6. Entrepreneurs < Moms
Children are exhausting! They’re like owning your own business times a million! Never been so tired in my life! And they talk back, too! Congrats!
7. Mothers Who Don’t Feel Appreciated > Everyone Else Who Doesn’t Feel Appreciated
I totally understand where S. is coming from here, but it’s also kind of sad that mothers are automatically associated with “people who get dumped on a lot” or “people who sacrifice the most and get the least return.” I’m all for ladies speaking the truth, but I like to think that if we stopped correlating ‘mom’ with ‘under-appreciated person,’ we’d all be better off. Which is to say, S. should take an afternoon off and do something fun. More “me” time, less woe is mom Facebook time.
8. No End In Sight
The best part of all of this mommyjacking madness is that it never, ever ends. Even if you have kids, it won’t end. Before you’re a mother, you don’t know what exhausted is, and after you become a mother, you have the pleasure of having people point it out to you around the clock! Having a bad day? “You’re a mother.” Having a great one? “You’re a mother!” Feeling exhausted? “You’re a mother…” And so on.
(submitted by Anonymous)