Contrary to a popular belief held by morons, having sex will not kill your unborn baby. It won’t kill your unborn baby if you’re full term, it won’t kill your unborn baby if you’re doing it in a waterfall, and it won’t kill your unborn baby if you hump ‘til the break of dawn. It just won’t. BUT! If people like Jessica continue to think such things, perhaps they will also begin to believe other absurd rumors with no basis in reality, like, “Having unsafe sex will lead to a full-body rash,” or, “Having unsafe sex will cause a person to go spontaneously blind.” You know, all those urban legends surrounding masturbation, except applied to the act of making a baby so that people like Jessica are less likely to, um, make them. At least, until they know that sex doesn’t kill a baby, which is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. I’m not one of those people who likes to joke that “there should be a test people have to pass before becoming parents,” but if there was such a test doled out then I’d like to think the question, “Can you kill your baby by having sex?” would be on it. That and the classic “infinite loop” question, along with everything else that’s ever been on Yahoo! Answers.
Not that I think Jessica has cruel intentions with her comment. If anything, I think she has the best intentions. She wants Mary’s baby to be healthy! She was merely offering a suggestion! She just doesn’t want Mary’s baby to be subjected to hard freaky rough sex, that’s all. How was she supposed to know that sex can induce labor? It’s not like she has a degree in Knowing Shit About Babies. Plus, how do we learn things? BY ASKING! Or, by making ridiculous public errors on Facebook and getting told we’re wrong by everyone we know. Either way, the truth - much like Mary’s baby - will come out.
And speaking of sex, this week’s Mommyish column is all about my thoughts on “slut-shaming” (and, tangentially, “body snarking”), and it can be read right here. It’s different from my other columns in that I somehow manage to yammer even longer than usual, which is really quite a feat. I talk about things like the way I feel when I post DNA test submissions and the comments depress me, and there’s also a submission involving a P.O.B. attacking Jessica Simpson for reasons other than her saying, “I’m such a blonde. It just doesn’t make sense for me to have dark hair.” Click over to Mommyish to check it out!
(submitted by Anonymous)