MommyJacking Marathon: Milestones Edition

I’m starting to think that mommyjackers have a sixth sense. Whenever one of their friends has a big announcement or updates about a milestone, the mommyjackers are there, ready to pounce with their needless information. You thought your news was big? HA! Dream on. You thought that people could press the brakes on their own lives for a second to acknowledge yours? Think again, you fool. Mommyjacking is a lifestyle choice - a forever commitment - and people should be prepared to have their "big news" trumped by their hijacking friends when they post an update. No milestone will go unturned in the hands of a mommyjacker, and that’s just how it’s going to be.

You can’t fight fate, but as we’ve learned on the blog, you can mock it. So today I’m showcasing the self-centered ways of others when faced with their friends’ important updates on Facebook. Remember, some people can’t help themselves, and others inexplicably think their kids have something to do with your news. It’s not something they can change, and it’s never, ever going away. 

1. College AcceptanceJacking

Congratulations on getting accepted to college! My kid turned S-I-X yesterday. W.T.F. Crazytown, amirite! And now you’re off to college. I guess that means Rya will be heading to college in a mere twelve years herself! Can you believe it?!

2. EngagementJacking

I’m pretty sure V. just replaced punctuation with unwanted details about her kids, as if fast-talking is some sort of excuse for mommyjacking. By omitting all the periods, exclamation points, and commas, V. can squeeze in a few deets about her kids! It’s sort of like not getting an appetizer so you can save room for dessert (except also not like that at all). 

3. WeddingJacking

Hoo boy! Time, she’s tricky. Elizabeth is getting married in a month, and Jason’s kids are - believe it or not - both having birthdays. Which has nothing to do with Elizabeth, per se, but hey, who cares? When Jason hears “next month” he thinks, “my kids’ birthdays”, so why shouldn’t he share the information? It’s a celebration! On Elizabeth’s wall. 

4. AnniversaryJacking

Hey, Vanessa, COOL STORY, but a simple, “Happy Anniversary!” would have sufficed. That’s the thing I don’t get about mommyjackers and daddyjackers - they’re truly only thinking about themselves. I feel like I can see inside of Vanessa’s brain and there are just a bunch of swirling thoughts about how Josh and Stacey’s wedding fits into memories of the day she came home with her baby. It’s fine to recall what you were doing the same day someone else got married, but if you do so on their wall and don’t mention their anniversary in your comment, you’re probably an asshole.

5. BirthdayJacking

I cut off the bottom of this thread, but there were at least seven additional comments that all sounded exactly like David’s and Marcia’s. Mary was the only person who read Laura’s comment about her dress size and managed to think, “ZOMG when I turned 30 don’t even get me started. Talk about being super preggo AND super unable to drink. At least women who aren’t pregnant at age 30 get to drink on their birthdays! I had to drink — *sadface* — pelligrino.”

Pellegrino on one’s birthday, can you imagine?

6. DeathJacking

Poor Charles. He tried to pay proper homage to his feline friend, but someone just had to come along and pull the old “I can tell you have no kids” card. Because, you know, if Charles had kids, he wouldn’t still post this loving tribute to his cat. Or something. 

My favorite thing is when people spell “loss” as “lost.” Remember Michelle? So poetic and sincere. It’s fitting that the last word of this milestonejacking marathon post is meant to convey sympathy, but instead conveys sheer idiocy. Nice one, Luis.

(submitted by Anonymous)

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