Earlier this week, as I was pondering the definition of dick-snot, it occurred to me that now might be a good time to roll out a new category called Angry Parents. Over the years we’ve seen a lot of angry parents on the blog, but many of them conveniently fit into other categories like “Language Butchery” or “Sanctimommy” or “Holiday Lunatics.” Still, I’ve received a ton of submissions that don’t seem to fit any of those categories any better than they do “Angry Parents.” You know the types I’m talking about - the mama bears and papa bears who are mad as hell and take to Facebook to unapologetically vent about their problems. I also like to call them “parents gone
To kick off the inaugural post, I decided to spread the
love hate and post a bunch of submissions here and in this week’s Mommyish column. After all, I’m sitting on a lot of examples, and what better way to introduce a new category than by beating you guys over the head with it? You know, like a mama bear might, with a sledgehammer after using her nonretractile claws to scratch off your face. GRRR!!!
1. Allergy Anger
While I understand why Patty is frustrated that her child received a few sweet potato fries with her regular fries, here’s what I don’t get: Why didn’t she check out the fries herself to make sure there weren’t other fries mixed in, knowing that the restaurant serves sweet potato fries? If a kid with an allergy isn’t old enough to avoid certain foods on her own, I think most chefs assume it’s the parents’ responsibility, particularly if the chef wasn’t given any dietary instructions.
Irregardless, beginning a status update with, “Why I don’t own a handgun” doesn’t inspire a lot of sympathy from me. If Patty thinks it’s cool to joke about shooting someone because her daughter is going to suffer a 12-hour bout of diarrhea, then I’m here to tell her she’s wrong. Dead wrong. (See what I did there?)
2. Scary Mommy
Listen up, Paula: One day the kid yelling down the hall is going to be your precious baby bothering the hell out of someone else, so how about cutting the obnoxious child some slack? I know what it’s like to
want to wring high-pitched children’s necks feel annoyed by screaming children, but that’s no excuse for acting like an even bigger brat by threatening to “slap your neighbor’s daughter silly” on the internet. I know seven people “liked” this update, but trust me, this shit is wack.
Kayli had me all the way up to “Grrrr.” In my experience, once you’ve entered grrrr territory on Facebook, you’ve gone too far. And if you’re talking about people who “need to be shot” because they cut you off, then you’ve definitely gone too far. Yeah, it sucks that idiots populate the roads and make stupid vehicular decisions, but if we shot every person who ever made a poor driving choice then there’d be no one left. Saying things like “some ppl need to be shot lolololol” makes me question who the real moron in this situation is.
4. Old People
We’ve discussed how parents feel about “old people” (otherwise known as “fucking old cunts”), but it’s always nice to revisit the subject. Especially when the reason for a poster’s ire is that the “old cunts” on a bus didn’t move out of the way for her stroller, which greatly amuses me. Not only do I get a kick out of geriatrics acting like assholes about a stroller, but I get an even bigger kick out of knowing they messed with just the right person. Sounds to me like H. needs a major attitude adjustment. Maybe she can work on that after teaching her son to steal old ladies’ purses out of their bags.
5. Teacher Hate
I think it’s worth noting that I’ve never, ever thought about or looked upon my mortal enemies and contemplated what I would do if I “seen” them on fire on the side of the road. And more importantly, now that I have contemplated such things, I can honestly say that, much like in that episode of Friends when Monica gets stung by a jellyfish, I would be happy to pee on each and every person who’s ever done me wrong should I become faced with any fiery roadside obstacles.
Do I think that makes me “better” than Leslie? No, not necessarily. But I do think Leslie is batshit crazy for imagining that scenario in her head and then publishing it on Facebook along with the line, “I would let the bitch burn!” Leslie = one of the more frightening moms I’ve encountered since starting the blog. Man, do I feel bad for that teacher.
Remember, there’s still plenty more crazy to check out over at Mommyish, including an example about a “little future whore.” Yay, Angry Parents!
**Note: Angry Parents will be added to the category box on the sidebar in a couple of weeks, along with a few other new categories!
(submitted by Anonymous)